Friday, December 14, 2018

All I Want for Christmas, 2018 edition

Good morning, loyal readers. Not that I'm much of a blogger these days...

I realized this morning that I hadn't yet written my annual Christmas list, which is something that I really must do because as much as I hate it sometimes, I am a creature of habit. And writing these ridiculous lists is something I started many, many years ago when this here blog began. Back in the time of the dinosaurs.


Here, I made you a graphic. It is awful, but it's for you. I hope it brings you a mediocre, but appropriate amount of joy for a graphic that literally took me 90 seconds to make.

Don't worry, I won't force anyone to read the old crap I used to write. I don't even want to read that stuff. If you want to peruse the lists from the past few years, though, here they are for your rabbit hole reading pleasure.

2017
2016
2015
2014
2013


Seriously, though, don't go any further back than that. (Waits patiently for a comment on a 2009 post...)

Let's get to what we are here for, which is my list. Since I know that you all care. Also because I am actually four years old and still write a Christmas list.

1. I want a time machine. Especially this week. I'd like to be able to travel back in time by a few weeks and make people do the things that they were supposed to do back then so that we wouldn't be sitting in limbo for longer about a huge life thing that I'm being deliberately vague discussing. Vague enough? Good.

2. I want more hours in the day. And no, this is not some glorification of busy thing, so spare me those comments, sanctimommies of the world. I really am that busy, and not by choice. I would love nothing more than to have glorious unplugged down time with my entire family, but that just isn't the way things are working out for us right now. It's rare that we are all home at the same time anymore. Between the seven of us, we have 6 people in school at least part time, 1 full time job, about 9 part time jobs, a holiday theater show schedule, drumline practice for two kids lasting 6 hours a week (until that jumps up after NYE, right around the time I pick up another job), all while working every imaginable bingo shift to try and raise money for band trips and dues. I know that someday I will look back fondly on this time in my life, that I will long for the days when I had to put everything in my calendar on my phone so that it would send me reminders to do the 73 things I need to do today. I know. You don't need to remind me or tell me how lucky or blessed I am. I am aware. I'm also really fucking exhausted. 

3. I want people to believe victims when they tell their stories. Period. I don't want them to be doubted or questioned or disbelieved. I don't want to listen to them explain or justify what they were wearing. I don't want to extend the benefit of the doubt in every circumstance to the accused, particularly when there is a pattern of behavior. We live in a society that treats victims like shit for saying anything...so WHY would anyone make this stuff up? Easy. They wouldn't. Your whole entire false accusation narrative is in and of itself a part of toxic misogyny. 

4. I want people to understand that politics aren't politics, that politics are life...and if you are fortunate to believe that politics are just politics, that comes from whatever privileges you occupy in this society.

5. I want more tattoos. And I want my nose pierced. But I can't get any more tattoos or piercings for a while, which is fine. I don't have the cash for them anyway.

6. I want a Disney budget that won't eat into every other single aspect of what little breathing room we have. The older two kids are marching in the parade at Disneyland this spring, which is a once in a lifetime thing. They're going, and because they're going (and the big one is the drum major), I want to go too. I've already sent him on trips to places I have never been with the band, but this is his last big thing in high school, and I want to be there to see him do it. Disneyland costs a goddamn fortune though. For real. I know that there are all these people who claim that money isn't the path of happiness, but for fucks sake not having to worry about it once in a while would be life changing. I wonder all the time what it must be like to actually not have to worry about money. And then I go back to work.

7. I want the track at the gym to be empty when I want to use it, or to be populated only by people who can stay in the lanes they are supposed to stay in and who pay attention when someone is trying to pass them. I don't know which is worse - the obnoxious tweens weaving in and out of lanes, the clueless old ladies chatting with friends three wide on the track, or the guy who has to turn around and watch me run every.single.time. I pass him. Dude. What the hell. 

8. Speaking of running, I'd like to make progress faster on my pace. I've been doing this religiously for months now, and have gotten much better at it. Well, I haven't gotten better, I've slowly sucked at it less and less. Accuracy. But it would be nice to feel like I am getting better at it faster. But alas. I'll go anyway. Because right now running is saving my sanity.

9. Totally a first world thing, but I applied to sit on the parks and rec advisory board and I'm probably jinxing myself by even mentioning it, but I would like to know if I got selected. My dream is to become Leslie Knope. Yes, yes it is.

10. I'd like my middle dog child to mellow out. She's an enormous bony freak of a lab mix, and she still has at least 2 years of puppy left in her, but I'm tired. The upside is that she isn't eating the actual house anymore. And yeah, she totally did that for a while. 

11. I'd like for the people who live in my house to see all the stuff that is everywhere. You know. The stuff that only I CAN SEE, that only I PICK UP. It drives me a little more insane every day. Why did you finally snap, Kelly? The hair ties. It was the hair ties. 

12. Speaking of which, I'd like to not have to lose my mind and get all yelly to get people to help around here. Or not have to do any of those things. Like, if people could just empty the dishwasher because they walk past it and see that it needs done, or swish the toilet after they drop a nasty deuce, or move the laundry to the dryer before it starts to smell like feet, that'd be great. This wish is evidence of the fact that I am delusionally optimistic. 

13. I'd like to deal with a little less anxiety in the house. All the way around. We could all use some chill. I include myself here.

14. I'd like to actually go on an anniversary trip with the husband this year, knowing that it probably won't happen because of the wonder that is Disneyland and having 5 kids that insist on eating and outgrowing their clothes and shoes. 

15. I want an unlimited supply of protein almonds and other crazy expensive keto snack foods that I refuse to buy because of that whole Disneyland and 5 kids thing.

16. I would LOVE my wardrobe to just change sizes as I do. I don't have the cash flow to buy new pants every couple of months, even if I need them. If the dryer could actually just start shrinking stuff, that would be rad.

17. I want to be able to clean my carpet and have it stay clean for 24 hours before someone spills or pees or barfs on it. 

18. I want my inside the computer people to not be so far away. And I want to actually SEE the friends who live here way more than I do.

19. I want to make good on the plans to start a game night this year.

20. I still want world peace, an end to hunger, freedom for all, true equality and for Citizens United to be overturned. I want Ginsburg to stay on the Supreme Court forever. Someone get her some vitamins immediately. 

Happy Festivus. I got a lot of problems with you people. 

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