Tuesday, December 5, 2017

All I want for Christmas, 2017

This is my ninth annual Christmas list. Which is crazy. Some of you lucky people have been here that whole entire time. OR at least I think you have. I've managed to scare most everyone away over the years, but especially this past one. When this here blog started it was fun and whimsical and full of little tidbits about the kids...and then I became fueled by coffee and rage and thought that maybe this would be the year I start biting people. Which might still actually happen, btw. Year ain't over yet.



2017, the year that was actually a bigger trash fire than 2016. AMIRIGHT.

If you're so inclined, you can read some of my previous lists here. I didn't include them all because let's be honest...no one cares what I wanted five years ago. Not even me.

2016

2015
2014
2013


Yes, I really am an enormous child who writes Christmas lists. Every year around this time I think that I won't do it, and then I remember that it's basically the only tradition I've kept for this many years, soooo...

If this is your first perusal of my wishes, I should warn you that some of the things I want are silly. Some are unrealistic. Some are never even a remote possibility. Some require a Tardis to be built and functional and at my disposal. Some are entirely realistic. It's all random. Like me.

1. I want Congress to pull their heads out of their asses. Nearly all of them. There are a handful of people in there trying to keep it together, trying to do the right thing. Most of them are short sighted selfish assholes determined to do whatever it takes to ensure they get re-elected, totally willing to sacrifice whatever morals they once had in exchange for power and influence. Very few of them actually care about their constituents, but they sure are good at convincing people they do just long enough to get the votes. 

2. While we're on the subject of politics, I am totally in the mood for a coup right about now. A round of impeachments (one won't be enough...) would be okay too. Thing is...it is going to take decades to recover from the damage already done, IF we even can. Yeah, I've started to really think this might be the end of our country as we know it. I promise all the things I want won't be so melodramatic. Or political. Because you know, people are "tired" of politics....except it isn't politics. It's lives. Livelihoods. Safety. Security. Equality. Shit that is so much bigger than politics. If you can ignore what is going on, that's a direct result of the privilege you occupy in this fucked up society. 

3. I really want the DOE not to fuck with loan repayment programs, I really want the tax code not to fuck with people repaying loans or receiving tuition benefits from employment. I really want to live in a world where we don't punish anyone who isn't already independently wealthy for seeking knowledge. I'd love to live in a world where science is respected, where graduate students are encouraged and supported. I want to live in a world where kids can get food at school for free because they won't learn a damn thing if they are hungry. Wait. I said I was going to stop being political, right? There's always #4.

4. Here's some first world shit, okay. Jesus. I want to actually sit down for an hour a week and paint my nails. I don't need to go get manicures. I don't have the extra cash sitting around for that anyway. This is 100% on me, but I need to make time to do it. 

5. I want an uninterrupted chunk of time every day to write or record podcasts. A few hours would be amazing, but I'll settle for anything at this point. As I write this, my three year old is literally perched on my shoulder, squeezing my face with his chubby hands. Oh yeah, I started a podcast. HERE IS THE LINK

6. I want to be able to write an unlimited number of things for work. YOU GUYS I actually found a way to get paid for writing sarcastic shit, and I'm totally happy about this and also really annoyed with myself for not having done it sooner. But I can't flood them with too much content and need to pace myself so that I can keep doing this. 

7. I need more time in general. This past year has been SO busy that it isn't even funny, and it just keeps getting more busy. My way of dealing with all the stress in the world is to do whatever I can to try and help, which right now means that I've signed up to do a whole bunch of work, all volunteer of course...because our society is not designed to actually help people who need it and there sure as shit isn't funding. If you need me, I'll be at a coalition meeting or planning a support group or managing an online photo challenge or attending more trainings or coordinating fundraisers or working bingo. It might take me a second to get back to you, but I will. Because I also restarted my photography business too. FFS.

8. I want a better camera. I need a better camera. I need to make more money before I can buy a better camera. Santa....do your thing. 

9. I want a fancy schmancy wide angle lens to go with that camera. Make it so, fat man!

10. I need a few weekends with nothing to do so I can do some serious binge watching of all the television shows I am now behind on. Like, I need to not feel my legs and have my eyes glaze over and eat nachos.

11. I would love a pause button. My oldest kid is starting the whole process of looking at colleges, will be a senior next year. And even if he's ready, I'm not really. 

12. I need a money tree so that he can go to college without ending up under a mountain of debt like I did. Like I still am. Strike that. I need multiple money trees.  

13. I want to get my sleeve done. I have three tattoos on my left forearm now: the Wonder Woman symbol, a semicolon, and my dad's handwriting. I want a queen bee with a honeycomb background that weaves around all the existing work. I just need...wait for it...time and money. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

14. I want a massage, but the kind that actually relaxes me, not the kind that just makes it worse. The last massage I had was YEARS ago, and the masseuse whined about her life the whole time, and I was thinking the entire time that she needed to STFU and give me my money back because I am here for my blissful high priced relaxation, not to be your captive therapist. Of course I didn't say anything because she probably needed to vent, but damn. I've had pockets of tension built up in my shoulders and back since October, and I'm starting to think this might just be who I am now. 

15. I'd like my puppy to eat dog food and stop eating everything else. She's chewed up parts of the siding on the side of the house, the corner of an antique cedar chest, windowsills and more. Her current favorite thing to eat are LEGOs. Doesn't she know how hard that plastic is?!?! Stepping on one is basically the worst thing ever, so how she can voluntarily chew on them is beyond me. Dogs. 

16. I need all my favorite people who live inside my computer to live closer to me. Distance is dumb. I posted a thing about how adults are so quick to blame phones for increased rates of depression in teens, which of course meant that someone had to argue with me (because internet). Here's the deal though....the internet actually helps a lot of us make connections with people we have more in common with than the humans we might interact with on a regular basis in person. Proximity isn't a great predictor of compatibility, at least it hasn't been for me. I've got a ton of issues, and it's taken me forever to find people who understand...and they almost all live in my phone. They've helped save me a few times, so don't argue with me about about terrible phones are. Sigh.

17. While we're at it, could we just build a commune? My husband is pretty handy, plus he can make all the beer. I already cook for a small army. Let's go off the grid somewhere, but still have wifi. The only people who can find us are UPS drivers making Amazon Prime deliveries. Oh, and pizza. We will need pizza. Only the cool people are invited. 

18. I want a custom built spice rack. I cook nearly everything at home and I LOVE me some spices. All the spices. My pantry is teeny and I've been trying to get the handy husband to build me shelving on the door. He still needs to grout the tile on the fireplace and build the mantle though, so I need to have patience. He still hates Pinterest, btw.

19. I need a new purse. I got a crossbody bag a while back that is fine, mostly...but it's a little too big and I don't love the color and it's already showing signs of wear and I'm super picky and cheap (that's usually the limiting factor here). Gray crossbody, moderate size, lots of pockets all with zippers because five kids who think I am a pack mule and I need 17 pens all the time. Shut up. I need them. Sooooo, if you find one of those that doesn't cost more than $30, hook me up.

20. I want still world peace, an end to hunger, freedom for all, true equality and for Citizens United to be overturned. I want Ginsburg to stay on the Supreme Court forever. Someone get her some vitamins immediately. 

Merry Christmas. I guess. 
#stillagrinch

Also, the war on Christmas isn't a thing. It's bullshit drama created by one "news" network (air quotes intentional here), to rile people up.


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