Tuesday, December 6, 2016

All I want for Christmas, 2016

This is my eighth annual Christmas list. Which is crazy.

There's simply no way I have been doing this for that long.

If you're so inclined, you can read my previous lists here.


Yes, I really am an enormous child who writes Christmas lists. Every year around this time I think that I won't do it, and then I remember that it's basically the only tradition I've kept for this many years, soooo...

If this is your first perusal of my wishes, I should warn you that some of the things I want are silly. Some are unrealistic. Some are never even a remote possibility. Some require a Tardis to be built and functional and at my disposal. Some are entirely realistic. It's all random. Like me.

1. I want my puppy to stop chewing up clothing, specifically the clothing that someone is actively wearing. She's cute and actually quite smart, but I am SO OVER this puppy stage. 

2. I want new flooring. For the entire house. I need it. We've been in this house for over eleven years with seven permanent residents and at least 8 different dog inhabitants at times. It's been torn up, scratched up, dug up, peed on, barfed on. It's been run over by bikes and scooters and skates. It's seen things...and it shows.

3. I want my left knee to stop being an asshole. I know that I'm overdue for surgery but I don't wanna. I just want it not to hurt.

4. I want a new coat. I've had the same one since we moved here and it's fine. Really. It's functional and does all the things a coat is supposed to do, but when I bought it all those years ago, I prioritized function over style. It's boring. I mean, it's fine. Whatever. 

5. I want my kids to stop swiping my eyeliner and mascara and boots and sweaters (at least without asking first). 

6. I want my van cleaned, and not just a sweep of all the trash tucked into every nook and cranny, but a thorough analysis of what is that smell and why does it exist. I know it wouldn't stay clean longer than 12 hours anyway, so this one is basically an exercise in futility.

7. I still want a wall full of bookshelves with a rolling ladder and a comfortable reading chair and a tiny table beside it. I managed to get my husband to build us a huge storage bench dining room nook, so maybe 2017 is the year I get the bookshelves. p.s. he REALLY FUCKING HATES PINTEREST

8. More tattoos and piercings. Some people start running marathons as they approach 40. Not me. No fucking way. I don't actually hate running, I am just terrible at it and my knees won't let me. Which is fine. I have the pace of a slow, overweight, three legged turtle. I just want more ink and piercings. What? I have gotten three new tattoos this year and...um....five piercings, but I just want more. I have a list. 

9. I want more regular teams at work. I know, I know. This one is totally about practicality and it entirely self-serving, but I'd like another 3-4 regular teams to show up. I know it's a late quiz. I know. I'm tired too. Let's be tired and drink beers and know things together. I'd like to keep my gig, and I'd like a few more teams on a weekly basis to ensure that I do.

10. I want new boots. I got two new pairs two years ago and while they're okay (as in they aren't actually falling apart yet), they're not the greatest. They were the doorbuster black friday online specials and not really designed to be worn as much as I wear them. 

11. I want the walrus Lularoe leggings. This one is totally unnecessary. But, hey. TC. Help a girl out.

12. I want a really amazing pair of Wonder Woman earrings.

13. I want the new Wonder Woman movie to not suck. We need it right about now. Fuck, the world needs Wonder Woman for real. 

14. I want an unlimited budget for homeschooling and music education for my kids. I have carts online that I'm constantly filling and then emptying with curriculum materials. Constantly. It's been a struggle this year as I had to re-evaluate almost everything I'd had prepared, but now I'm to the point where I have the things I didn't get initially and needed, and now I want to be able to get the fun stuff. Also, having teenagers in band is really fucking expensive, especially when they decide to not suck at playing their instruments and their teachers recommend upping the quality of their instruments for better sound quality. p.s. French Horns are $$$$$$ and does anyone know where I can get at least an intermediate quality, decent used one for under $2k? Kthanks.

15. I want to be able to go and get pedicures every six weeks and not be allergic to whatever is in the salon. Again, this is an impossibility, but a girl can dream.

16. I want my kids to all stay the ages they are right now for a while. I know that I'm on borrowed time having them all home and together. I know that it's not going to last much longer. I know that things will be fine and different and amazing in a whole new way as they get older and branch out on their own. I know that. I LIKE IT THE WAY IT IS RIGHT NOW though, so don't try to minimize my feelings, internets. 

17. Last year I wished for Donald Trump to disappear from the face of the Earth and that didn't exactly go as planned. Since I write one of these every year, and I hope we're all here to do this again in 12 months, I'm writing this list just to cover the next 365. So. I want him to waffle on the crazy shit he promised to do. I want him to reveal himself to be even more of a liar than he already has when it comes to all the things he promised to do to illegal immigrants, refugees, Muslims and more. I want him to stop naming assholes to Cabinet positions. I want him to stop thinking he can just call anyone he wants and fuck up decades of international relations. I want him to wait at least a year before being impeached because Pence is a walking dumpster fire. I want him to admit that he is at least partially responsible for the increase in hate crimes and tell people to knock it the fuck off. I could go on here, but I'll stop. I just hope I'm writing this list next year. 

18. I want the keyboard warriors of the world to go outside and find a person in real life to talk to. Yelling at me in all caps isn't going to do anything.

19. I want world peace, an end to hunger, freedom for all, true equality and for Citizens United to be overturned. I want Ginsburg to stay on the Supreme Court forever. Someone get her some vitamins immediately. 

20. The last few years, my last wish has been reserved for Daryl Dixon sitting under my tree with his crossbow. I still have mad love for Daryl, even if Negan has given me a permanent 703 Easy Street earworm. But. In the past year, my husband discovered tattoos. So, I'd just like him to get more of those....because.....well.....

I know, right???


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