So I waited. And it all festered.
It festered because that is how my brain operates. If I don't have an opportunity to let the things bothering me out, it doesn't fade away with time. It gets bigger and louder and angrier.
So when Mr. Hive came home from work and I had to blurt out a bunch of stuff with hand gestures and high kicks he was a little overwhelmed. Thankfully, he's used to me. And I'm writing today, so there's that.
Anyway, there is a lot going on in this head of mine, so let's go do that.
Done pretending to be fine with what happened because it might offend someone else...
You guys know how much I work here to be a voice of compassion, to have patience for the stories of other people, to be sensitive to the realities others face. And I try very hard to be all those things.
What happens sometimes, though, is that my stories get lost in the process because I'm working so hard to be that safe place for other people. Here's the thing, though...each of us have our own stories and those stories have nothing to do with anyone else. We can honor ourselves and others at the same time. We can tell our stories and communicate how we feel about them without denigrating others.
So, I'm just going to come out and say it, because this isn't about anyone else. Just me.
I hated my c-section. Hated it. Hate it still. I hate, hate, hate that the last baby I will ever have came into the world that way. I hate that I feel like I missed out so much of what I had with my other children with him. I hate the way the medical profession has taken birth and screwed with it. I hate that I tried everything to get the baby to turn and it all failed. I hate that the doctors are afraid to to do breech deliveries, that they are not skilled in them, that they labor under this delusion that surgery is safer. I hate that people tell me that as long as they baby was healthy that is all that matters because it isn't. I hate that I don't get a do-over because he was my last baby. I hate that I missed out on so much of the immediate bonding because of the circumstances of his birth. I hate it. I hate it all.
I'm done pretending that I'm okay with it because someone else might take something I say about my experiences personally and assume that I'm implying that however they feel is unwarranted or unjustified. This is how I feel and I get to feel this way.
Tragedies and How We Respond
The earthquake in Nepal is a vast tragedy, made no greater simply because some of the people killed happen to be Americans. It says a lot about how selfish our society has become when the coverage of the earthquake was almost immediately dominated by the news that there had been an avalanche on Everest as a result. The only reason the avalanche was deemed more important news? American climbers.
Now, don't go thinking that I'm trying to make light of the avalanche or minimize the deaths that happened on the mountain because I'm not. The point I am making here is that thousands of people died in their homes and their places of work just doing whatever they were doing in their daily lives. Thousands.
Certainly that should be tragic and newsworthy on its own.
Instead the media switched gears and focused on the fate of a handful of people engaged in an activity already well known to be dangerous just because the ratio of Americans was substantially higher.
A tragedy is a tragedy is a tragedy. It doesn't become one simply because of where those who die called home.
The trial of James Holmes began this week. I've made no secret here as to what my opinions are. I believe that the entire trial is a vast waste of time and resources. Holmes offered a guilty plea in exchange for life in prison. The prosecution didn't offer it, the defense did...and the prosecution refused it flatly, instead opting to go to trial and press for the death penalty. Holmes, in turn, is claiming insanity.
The first witness to take the stand was Katie Medley. 9 months pregnant the night of the shooting, she nearly lost her husband Caleb that night. At the hospital for a dear friend in the same unit, I spent days sitting with Caleb's family. I was there when Katie was in labor with Hugo. My friends, Caleb's friends and family, all shared the same space for days on end, waiting and wondering if the people we loved would make it, if they'd ever be made whole again.
My love and support to the Medley family, to the survivors, to the families of all the victims.
An apology is good, but WTF were you thinking???
Oh, Anheuser Busch.
What in the actual fuck were you thinking?
And the rest of the internet.
Oh, you apologized and said this was a bad idea after the internet called you on it. Not good enough.
You cannot honestly tell me that no one in your offices stopped and thought...hmmm....maaaaaybe this isn't a good idea.
Let's just totally ignore the implication about drunkenness and the inability to say no and date rape and all those things.
When One Dude Gets to Decide All the Things...
The Supreme Court is set to rule on the issue of gay marriage. Again. Due to the nature of the way the system works, the court doesn't just make blanket rulings about entire subjects. They only rule on the case before them, generally with the narrowest possible holding.
Which is fine. I suppose. Whatever. It just pieces out subjects like this one and drags the situation out for years and years and years, muddying the waters in the process. Marriages in one state aren't being recognized in another. Whether that issue is even resolved, we won't know until the decision comes down.
Oral argument was heard in the case yesterday, and there are so many issues involved that make me want to throw things. So many things. Ultimately, though, whatever the court decides is essentially going to come down to what one dude thinks.
Yep. One guy. Kennedy.
We know where everyone else stands.
He's the swing vote.
I want to be optimistic. I try to be optimistic.
Gay rights aren't gay rights. They are human rights. Equality. Period.
I'm sick over everything that is going on, why it is happening, how we got here, what the vast majority of people seem to believe about it, the assumptions being made, the way that it is all being misconstrued in the media.
We aren't living in a post-racial society. Racism is alive. End of story.
Not everything is related to race, because it just isn't...but a hell of a lot still has to do with it. We can't just declare that racism is over because we wish it was or want it to be or believe that it should be or because we haven't personally experienced it. It's not.
No one person's experiences in the world mean anything when compared to someone else.
There are systemic, institutional issues in this country. There are biases that exist. There is a police state mentality in this nation that is working against some communities more than others. There is rampant hypocrisy.
Pretending that these things don't exist is what got us here today.
And people are angry. So angry.