Tuesday, September 15, 2015

To The One I Never Thought I'd Meet

Dear Sweet Boy,

I started this letter to you a few weeks ago, actually, sitting on the front porch of the house, staring up as the breeze blew, the afternoon sunlight filtered by the movement of the leaves. The air filled with the sounds of those leaves just beginning to dry out and crinkle on the edges and of you, talking to yourself as you played beside me. 

It's coming, fall. The tops of the trees are turning color ever so slightly, daylight shortening with each passing evening. It was this time last year that you arrived. I knew that you'd be here soon, though I wished that I could have altered the way you came. 

I tried and I failed to change that. 

It won't be the last time that I try and I fail to do what's best for you or for me, child. I know that with more certainty than I've ever known anything in my life.

Parenthood isn't easy. It's filled with times when I've wondered if I was doing the right thing, times when I questioned my abilities. I've learned now, through having done this for so long with your siblings, that my instincts are generally good ones and that I should trust them.


It's been different with you. It's all been different with you.

I'm different.


Your father is different.


With you, I think that we've become the parents we always wanted to be. Calmer, gentler, quieter. We're more in tune with you, we pause more, we hold back more at times, give more all the rest. Maybe it is you that is so different. There is a reason I call you my sweet boy. You adore your siblings, your smile is huge when you see one of them across a room. You eagerly crawl to them, walk to them, with open arms.





You love big, with all the wild eyed open mouthed kisses to accompany it.

You are stubborn and independent. You started walking a while ago, figuring out how to stand up without help just this past weekend. 

You are inquisitive and curious in a way I haven't seen since your oldest brother was a baby. You want to open everything, see everything, try everything.


You are good natured and already have a sense of humor that tells me you belong here with us. You've been laughing at yourself since you were just 3 or 4 months old. Keep doing that throughout your life.


Your hair is as unwieldy as can be. Double crowned, you are. They say that it's associated with intelligence, which would make sense. You seem to just know things, about life, about people, about the world around you. You figure things out quickly, already.


Your eyes are truly the windows to your soul, one that I'm convinced is an old one. I think maybe you've been here before. There are times that I look at you and I see your father, times that you resemble all of your siblings together, times you are just like one of them alone, times you remind me so much of my parents, of other people in our family, and then there are all the times that you are uniquely you - a force to be reckoned with in this world all your own.


I never knew that we'd meet someday. I thought for certain we wouldn't. And then one day, one year ago, you came into the world.

You told me that though I thought I knew so much, I really knew nothing at all. I had to learn you. Then I had to learn us.


You rearranged my priorities in a way I wasn't prepared for, wrapping us all around your tiny fingers from the moment you arrived.

You taught me to slow down, to soak up everything you are, and then you forced me to do it.


You still insist that I give you all of my attention every time you are nursing, demanding to hold my free hand with yours.

You forced me to accept my powerlessness to so many aspects of parenthood in a way I'd never confronted before. You forced me to accept a lot of things, and that acceptance has brought calm with it.


You healed me and heal me every day with your presence.

You've given me wisdom and peace.

I never knew I'd meet you someday, but now I know for sure that you've always been meant to be here.


We just had to wait.

I love you, sweet boy.


Happy birthday, baby.

Love,
Mama

4 comments:

  1. Beautiful. Happy birthday to your sweet boy. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Such a sweet, sweet post full of love and wonder. Happy anniversary of your baby's birth to you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautifully written!! Happy birthday!!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    http://www.flyingplatypi.com

    ReplyDelete

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