Thursday, November 6, 2014

The Hole

I like it here, in my hole.

I like it too much.

There are no people here, aside from the small human dependent on me for all his needs. I don't need to put on pants. I don't need to shower. I don't need to smile when I don't mean it. I don't have to talk to anyone.

I can wallow in my hole, feel all the feelings.

I can sit and cry as long as I need to.

I can get lost in a television marathon, get sucked into a youtube vortex, ugly cry over songs that stab me in the heart.

I can sit and stare at this beautiful child for hours on end.

I can get lost in his eyes and stay lost until reality snaps me back and tells me it is time to go and pick up the rest of the kids.

I can be frustrated about all the things that have happened and no one can tell me that I'm wrong.

I can worry about all the things, the things that are justified and the things that aren't, and no one can tell me that I'm being ridiculous.

I can wonder where the time went.

I can dream of what the future might be.

I can mourn what cannot be.

I can mourn what wasn't already.

I can do all these things because no one is here to tell me I can't.

I just can't stay.

I can't stay here in the hole, not for too long.

I know how comfortable it can be down here.

I know that the comfort lies.

I know that it is misleading.

I know it is self destructive.

I know that my fears and anxieties will eat me alive if I let them.

I know that the darkness calls my name and I know that I can answer it if I stay here too long.

I know.

I know because I've been here before.

I've been here and I couldn't find a way out.

I have to talk about all this because I don't have a choice.

If I keep quiet, I stay here.

If I stay here, it gets worse.

I can't let that happen.

I won't let that happen.

I won't.

1 comment:

  1. I also find myself there and have been way to long.

    I'm talking with the husband about it some so it's a start. The lose of our twins in 2011 has let me dwell there way to long....

    I know what you say , I feel this ever day, I say this also I won't let you keep me here
    . I must fight to bring myself back. I'm struggling but baby steps is what I'm taking.

    Always makes me happy seeing you be so open and honest. Please keep going so others like me can see we are not alone.


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