I like it here, in my hole.
I like it too much.
There are no people here, aside from the small human dependent on me for all his needs. I don't need to put on pants. I don't need to shower. I don't need to smile when I don't mean it. I don't have to talk to anyone.
I can wallow in my hole, feel all the feelings.
I can sit and cry as long as I need to.
I can get lost in a television marathon, get sucked into a youtube vortex, ugly cry over songs that stab me in the heart.
I can sit and stare at this beautiful child for hours on end.
I can get lost in his eyes and stay lost until reality snaps me back and tells me it is time to go and pick up the rest of the kids.
I can be frustrated about all the things that have happened and no one can tell me that I'm wrong.
I can worry about all the things, the things that are justified and the things that aren't, and no one can tell me that I'm being ridiculous.
I can wonder where the time went.
I can dream of what the future might be.
I can mourn what cannot be.
I can mourn what wasn't already.
I can do all these things because no one is here to tell me I can't.
I just can't stay.
I can't stay here in the hole, not for too long.
I know how comfortable it can be down here.
I know that the comfort lies.
I know that it is misleading.
I know it is self destructive.
I know that my fears and anxieties will eat me alive if I let them.
I know that the darkness calls my name and I know that I can answer it if I stay here too long.
I know because I've been here before.
I've been here and I couldn't find a way out.
I have to talk about all this because I don't have a choice.
If I keep quiet, I stay here.
If I stay here, it gets worse.
I can't let that happen.
I won't let that happen.
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