I feel like I've been keeping something from you guys.
That's probably because I have been.
Actually, there is a lot about me that you don't know, but this one is a pretty big something and my ability to hide it shrinks more and more with each passing day.
For a person with a public persona, I'm actually a very private person. This is all new and strange for me, so bear with me if you will.
I have been holding onto the hope of this thing for years now, the hope that maybe someday it would happen. Hoping, for so many reasons.
Now that I'm here, now that it is all real, I'm taking each second in. I'm wrapping myself entirely in it. I'm immersed. Fully.
I'm also completely distracted.
I am because I know this is the last time for sure, this is the last time that I will ever be pregnant.
The last time that I will ever feel life inside me.
The last time that I will reconfigure everything to accommodate one more.
The last time that I will have news like this to share.
The last time.
And this time, so much is different.
So, so different. So much so that words alone could never suffice to describe all the differences.
You are here and social media necessitates that I tell the world my news somehow. That I make this completely intimate life change public information. That I tell people and that I do it in some amazing way.
I didn't have this platform the last time. My youngest son was six months old already when I started writing. Though I have been doing this for many years now, it all feels foreign and strange because of this new and unfamiliar journey we're taking.
The last time I was pregnant, I picked up the phone and told my parents.
This time, they are both gone, and there is nothing fair about that. It is strange to be navigating this world without them, stranger still to be bringing a child into the world that will never share a moment with two of their grandparents.
I have no parents to tell this time, though I suppose they already know anyhow.
It won't be easy, it hasn't been already. My pregnancies are complicated ones, for sure. There are times that I envy those who can go through this period in their lives blissfully, without all these concerns to contend with. And then I push that envy away because envy is an emotion wholly lacking in utility. It serves no productive purpose, only makes us aware of the void we seek to fill.
And then I remember that not so long ago, I was envious of anyone fortunate enough to be pregnant at all. I so desperately wanted it for myself that it hurt to see others in the place I longed to be.
I try to do the best I can to remember that, what it was like to be in that place when I was there, how it is for those there now. And my heart goes to all of them, for today and for always.
I've prepared myself for the inevitable questions, for the comments, for the shock and disbelief sure to be evident in the faces and voices of others.
Yes, we know how to avoid this.
Yes, we know what birth control is.
Yes, we know that we already have four children.
Yes, we know that I am older now.
Yes, we know that it will be hard. p.s. we already have four kids...
We are aware of all those things, more aware than those who will question us assume we are. This was not an impulsive decision.
Telling you all hasn't been impulsive either. We waited. We didn't even tell our other kids or my in laws or our brothers for over a month. Once you've been pregnant and lost the baby, you don't ever want to have to untell someone that news again. Even when everything seems fine. Even when it's been fine four times between. Even then.
So, we've kept it quiet. For a long time, only my husband and I knew and it was like a magnificent secret for just us to have for as long as we could. I'm over the moon happy, and I think he really is too.
It's time to let some of that joy out.
As I near the end of the first trimester, I really can't keep this quiet any longer, not physically anyway. I've looked pregnant for a few weeks already. I am due in October, but the baby will arrive sometime in mid-September. I'll keep you all posted about how things are going, and I promise I will try to do it in the least obnoxious way possible.
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