This question goes hand in hand with the one from yesterday about the reason that I am still alive. When I answered it the first time, I thought I had been through a lot. Oh, how naive I was.
The funny thing about being naive is that you never realize just how oblivious you are about it.
I wrote about how I had never thought about giving up and how I'd been tested and so on and so forth. It's almost comical to read it now.
Day 26 ~ Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
I've been to hell and back since the first time I did this. A few times. There were certainly moments in that three years that I thought my life had gone to shit, that it was unrecoverable. Many, many times, I fantasized about leaving, running away from it all and never looking back.
I craved irresponsibility. I wanted to be selfish. I longed for just a moment of not having to worry about anyone else.
My fantasies always involved giving up on this particular life, not life in general. I wasn't ever suicidal, I just wanted to get away from the set of circumstances I was in. I am in.
I have never once thought about ending it all.
I haven't for four reasons.
They need a responsible parent. They need me here. They need me stable and grounded and sane.
I would never do anything to jeopardize their lives, their happiness, their stability because of my own selfishness.
I know this now without a doubt.
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