Tuesday, December 10, 2013

30 Days of Truth, Day 25 ~ The Reason You Believe You're Still Alive

This is one of those questions that still makes me shake my head a bit, because it pre-supposes that everyone has had a brush with death, been suicidal, given up on life at some point. I don't think that's always the case though.

The first time I wrote on this prompt, the timing worked out well. We had just been in a major car accident while driving cross country to get home for Christmas. I don't recommend that, by the way.

I'll try to dig a little more this time.

Day 25 ~ The reason you believe you are still alive

If we're strictly talking being physically alive....it's a loaded question. A friend of mine who was in a similar place isn't with us anymore and I'm still here and it doesn't make sense to me at all.

A lot has changed since the last time I did this, and there were more than a few times that I felt like I wasn't sure about much anymore. I've lost a lot. Both of my parents, my best friend, the life I thought I had, years of memories gone, places I loved have been ruined. I can't look at pictures without it triggering something else.

There aren't many people who know the story, the real story, and no one knows all of it. It's that bad. It's so bad that I don't bother even telling people tiny snippets of it anymore because it's too exhausting for me to tell it, then spend however long making the other person feel okay about what happened to me. So I don't.

The reason I'm still alive is a simple one...I decided to be.

I could allow myself to sink to the bottom of the pit that calls my name. It lures me in and keeps me safe. I've spent enough time down there, and occasionally still sit in the darkness for a while. It's not a good place, this place I have been. I drug myself out of it because it wasn't fair to me, to my children, to anyone for me to wallow.

I was a victim of the things that happened, this is true. I had no role in them, I was hurt more than anyone else more than once, I couldn't have changed anything if I tried. All that is true.

I also refuse to allow my life to be dictated by victim hood. I'd rather be a survivor.

I have to tell you, since we're all being super honest and that here, that allowing myself to finally be happy again was the single most terrifying thing that has happened to me...worse than any of the things that made me a victim in the first place. I had to put everything out there to do it. I had to take a leap of faith that things would be okay when I knew how bad they could go. I had to.

It's easier to stay sad. It's easier to be a victim. It's easier to sit at the bottom of the hole.

So much easier.

Being trapped in that place isn't living though, it's merely existing.

I'm alive now because I choose to be.

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