Wednesday, November 20, 2013

30 Days of Truth, Day 9 ~ Someone You Didn't Want to Let Go, But Just Drifted

This challenge doesn't get easier, you guys.

The last time I answered this one, I wrote about a dear friend from college. We've since reconnected, though still not as often as I would prefer. One of these days, I WILL get out to see her and her new baby girl. Distance is such a jerk, sometimes.

Like everything else it seems, the answer to this one will be different this time, and not because I ever wanted it to be.


Day 9 ~ Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

I could take the easy way out with this one, come up with someone or something else aside from what is actually on my mind. But I won't because I am forcing myself to do this the right way this time, no matter how hard it is.

The person that comes to mind immediately isn't someone that I just drifted away from, though. It was a conscious choice. A heartbreaking one. Probably the single hardest thing I ever had to do.

It hasn't come without consequences for me. I've been vilified by many, misunderstood by more. I may wear my heart on my sleeve, but there are a great many untold stories in my life, and one of them revolves around this person.

My Mom.

In the last few weeks of my father's life, he asked me and asked me and asked me, pleaded with me with tears in his eyes to take care of her. I tried. Oh, how I tried. I want with everything in me to believe that I didn't fail him, that I didn't fail her.

I'm not convinced.

I tried.

It didn't work. She wanted to destroy her life, and there wasn't anything anyone could do to stop her. We tried. We all tried.

She pushed us away, then reeled us back in. Over and over and over.

It was eating me alive, this game of manipulation and lies, the things hidden, the words said to other people to turn them against me. I could have handled it if it was just my sanity, my heart on the line. I can take it. I could take it. My ability to put my head down when I have to and do what needs to be done has been tested several times. I could take it.

My kids couldn't.

They were being thrown into the middle of it all. They were being manipulated. They were put in danger, usually emotional, but sometimes very real physical danger.

I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't let it happen anymore.

I had to protect them, even if it was from her.

Trust me when I tell you that if you've never been put in that position before, you never want to be there. You never want to spend hours on the phone with the police and the district attorney and social workers. You never want to have your hand forced to the point where you tell the school not to release your children to your own mother.

I had to do that.

I didn't want to.

I wish, oh how I wish that things could have been different.

I loved her. I miss her. But I had to let her go, even if no one understands.

In fact, I wish no one ever had to understand.

I'll carry this burden because I have to. I hope you never do.

3 comments:

  1. gods I love you woman!

    I had to do this very thing with my brother~ can only *begin* to imagine how hard it was and continues to be for you with your mom.

    Parents are supposed to protect their children, love their children, shield their children from as much of the hateful brutal world as humanly possible.

    your mother DID NOT
    you DID and DO for your kids

    in my book~ that makes you a hero of unparalleled proportion.

    Love and Light,
    G

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  2. I have had to do this with my own mother. I'm sorry, love.

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  3. This makes me sad. My mom and I are so close and that makes me lucky I know. My dad and I were not - a whole other story. I just found you via Meno Mama. I can already tell you I love your blog. I just do. Talya via Grace Grits and Gardening - your newest stalker.

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