When I did this the first time, I talked about never wanting to take a pet on that last walk. I talked about how hard it would be to put a deeply loved family pet down. Less than six months later, the puppy that we brought home to fill a void left after we lost our first baby, the dog that became a part of our family, the beagle that alternately drove me crazy and made me laugh had a seizure.
Or at least we think that is what it was. It was serious enough that she was fully disoriented. My son found her on the garage floor in the spot where she always stood after my husband left for work. She couldn't get up. Her eyes were all glazed over and she wasn't responsive to me at all. Her heart was about to pound out of her chest.
I took a blanket out to her, lifted her on to it and took the kids to school, promising them that I would take good care of her.
I got home, hoping she would be up and running around, howling at the neighbors like she always was. She wasn't. She was in the same place. My heart broke. I sat with her in the garage for a good long time that morning before I made the call. First to the vet to set up a time to bring her in, second to my husband.
I carried her into the office for the last time and let her go. It was as awful as had imagined it would be.
I'm almost afraid to write whatever else I might be afraid to do, just in case the cosmic worst case scenario gods that seem to be following me lately take me up on the offer.
Day 6 ~ Something you hope you never have to do
I hope with everything in me that I never have to file the divorce paperwork that I have filled out three times now.
I hope I never have another reason to fill out those papers.
I have stayed, I have fought, I have tried everything I could to keep my family together.
I hope that it wasn't all a waste of time and energy.
I hope that we can find a way to fix it.
I hope that I never have to worry about shared custody and holidays without my children.
I hope that I never have to sit them down and tell them it's over.
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