What a difference three years can make. When I did this the first time, I spun it in my sarcastically humorous way and talked about needing forgive my husband for making me get rid of a pair of boots.
God, I must have seemed shallow. And I was, I suppose, but it was totally intentional. I wasn't really writing about the first thing that came to mind, if you know what I mean. I was struggling with my father's illness and impending death, and that was as good as it was going to get.
This time around, I'm really trying to push myself with the prompts, and at least get closer to my first answer.
This one won't be about a pair of shoes.
Day 4 ~ Something you need to forgive someone else for
There's a list, and it's much longer than it was when I did this three years ago. I have spent most of those three years working towards forgiveness for the greatest of them all. Though I will never forget, I've forgiven the one who needs it the most already.
I try to let little things go. I even try to let the bigger things go. Some hurts though...they stay with you.
Some things hurt too bad to just get over and move on.
I've tried. I've told myself that I forgive her. I've told myself that she did what she did because of her own messed up reasons and that none of it ever had anything to do with me. I've told myself that she didn't mean to hurt me, that I was collateral damage. I've told myself many things. Many, many things.
When someone you considered one of your very closest friends in the entire universe betrays you, though, it doesn't matter what you tell yourself. You can't hear any of it.
She was a part of my life in so many ways, in too many ways. There were too many things I had to process, too many memories that were altered, too many pictures that needed to disappear. Too much time spent wasted in trying to help her, only to have her turn on me in the worst way imaginable.
I've lost a lot in the last few years.
Losing one of my best friends is up near the top of that list.
I hated her for a long time, but then I realized that I was expending too much energy on someone who clearly hadn't bothered to give me the slightest hint of kindness, of grace, of friendship back. I was wasting my time on someone who, even when the betrayal had been revealed, just couldn't help herself and had to keep making it worse. I was wasting my time on someone who apologized but didn't mean it. I was wasting my time on someone who would never stop hurting me as long as she was a part of my life at all.
Over twenty years of a friendship, gone. Just like that.
I was always there for her, no questions asked.
And I was disposable.
I meant nothing to her.
I know that now.
I need to forgive her. I know that I do. In some ways I have, but not enough.
I forgive her now.
But I will never, ever forget.
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