I'll be honest.
At first I was going to go totally superficial on this one, like I did last time. Last time I wrote about my eyes, because they are without a doubt my favorite physical asset. The picture I included was awful though....and tells me that I've come a long way with my photographic skills.
I intended to write about my hair this time, but I stopped myself because that's actually a pretty loaded issue for me.
Being the stumpy acne covered four-eyed brunette in a sea of thin gorgeous blondes will do that to a girl. And I'm not just talking about the whole societal comparison thing, here. For me it was more personal. A lot more personal. I was, quite literally, the black sheep of the family and the most obvious part of it was the color of my hair.
I made my peace with who I am a long time ago, but it took me a very long time for me to get to that point.
Anyhow, we're going deeper this time. Remain seated please.
Day 11 ~ Something people seem to compliment you the most on
At this point, I've had a few public spotting experiences. What I mean by that is when I have been out in public somewhere and a fan that I don't personally know recognized me. The first time it happened, I have to admit that it freaked me out a lot. The first time that someone I didn't know commented on my blog did the same thing, just like the first time that I picked up a follower I didn't recognize. It's weird and surreal, I have to say.
I forget sometimes how much you all know about me.
I forget that, until someone starts to compliment me on my writing abilities. Inevitably, they talk about some post that touched them or some topic I am passionate about. I mostly blush and stare at the floor. Most of them, the people I know personally and the fans that I don't, usually say something about how I am an open book. How I carefully articulate things. How I lay it all out there.
They tell me that I am brave to share the things I share.
It sure doesn't feel that way.
I expose some of the ugliest pieces of who I am for the world to see for a reason. I have done it in part to share the story, in part to keep myself honest. If I admit that I have anxiety or PTSD or trouble focusing or depression I will be less able to hide it from the world. If I tell you that when things get rough, the first place my mind goes it to starvation, it's more likely that I won't let myself go there.
I do it because I have to.
I know that there are many people who think I reveal too much.
Am I brave? I don't know. I certainly don't feel that way most of the time.
Am I losing my mind? Maybe.
Most of the time, I'm just a girl who is scared of the person staring back at her in the mirror, of the person she's been, of the person she could be, the person she would be if she tried to keep too many secrets.
I can't keep them or they'll keep me.
There are times that it takes everything in me to hit that publish button.
Maybe from the outside it looks like courage.
From here it's just a refusal to let fear win.
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