Wednesday, July 24, 2013

This is just what I do

I'll warn you in advance that this post probably isn't going to be funny.

I'm sitting in the dark with my computer, and I can feel the walls closing in on me.

This happens sometimes, and I've learned just to let it. I pull it together and do whatever I need to do almost all the time. I stay balanced and focused and calm. I don't freak out. I don't yell or scream even when I want to. I bite my tongue and sit on my hands when what I really want to do is capslock a throwdown with someone online who clearly doesn't understand.

But I don't.

I don't because there are so many things about me and why I am the way I am now that I won't write about. I choose not to as much for the protection of others as for the avoidance of the judgment of others. I know what enough people think that I hold back now. I don't reveal much. I don't want pity, I don't want people to tell me I'm crazy, I don't want people to make the sad eyes at me when they realize what I've actually been through. I don't. So I don't tell anyone.

People assume often that I miss my father, and that is why I struggle.

Nope.

I miss him, sure.

I can tell you it's not a good sign when the death of a parent is one of the least traumatic things you've been though recently.

I just want it to go away sometimes. And sometimes it slinks off into the background enough that I am free of it for a while. Until it's back.

Here it is, again.

Things were good. Really good. I have hope that I can get back there, but I need to shut myself off from the world for a little bit to do it.

I don't expect people to understand, particularly when I don't tell them what is going on.

I just can't always do it. I can't always be funny and witty and sarcastic. I can't always will it away. I can't. PTSD is a real asshole that way.

Sometimes I'm just a girl who wishes things were different.

Sometimes I'm just sad.

5 comments:

  1. Huge hugs. I'm so sorry. Breath. Do what you need to do for you. And, it's okay to be sad.

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  2. It's ok to wish things were different, to be sad, to write about being sad and to not explain to the world why. It's ok. Sometimes you have to just BE. You are a strong person, but when that strength is eluding you, it is ok to be fragile. You Will rise up and be strong again.

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  3. Just breathe. Take a time out for yourself. This too shall pass. xoxo

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  4. Some people don't want to judge you or pity you. They just want to know you.... the real you good and bad. So they can read and know that they are not alone every night with the walls closing in on them. To know that another woman out there wakes up feeling like they were right back there, all those years ago, with the same feelings and the same chaos and the same pain as then. Feeling like you didn't sleep at all.knowing it doesn't matter what you just went through because the sun is up and so are the kids. And now you're a mom. They just want to know that another mother is struggling, just like you, to be who they are in this life. At times barely hanging on. So write about your life. Little at a time. And we will be so grateful that you could share, the good, funny and even the shockingly horrible. Ooooooxoxo.

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  5. Kelly, thank you for your honesty, bravery and courage. You inspire me on a daily basis. I keep everything inside. Until it explodes in a very destructive way. I am too afraid of what people would really think, if they KNEW me. So again I say thank you.

    ReplyDelete

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