I wonder the same thing myself sometimes. Why I would voluntarily put so much of this out there.
I guess part of it is just who I am. Truthfully, I write mostly for myself. The fact that there are so many of you out there reading along is a bonus.
Part of it is because I a terrible cheerleader for myself. I write this stuff because then it's out there in the world of the internet. Someone else knows.
It's easier not to be open.
It's easier to keep thinking I can do this alone.
It's easier to make promises quietly to myself that I'll do something, because then when I fail to keep up my end of the bargain, there are no repercussions or consequences. Sure, I've let myself down, but no one else knows unless I tell them.
I talk about having ptsd and going to therapy and having anxiety and all that because I need to. I need to know that it's out there. I wear my heart on my sleeve because I have to.
I have to because I'm exceptionally good at hiding things unless I force myself to reveal them.
I hid the fact that I had postpartum depression from everyone, even myself, for almost a year, until it started to eat me alive from the inside out.
I can suppress things well. Too well.
That exact ability is what has allowed me to endure the things I've been through in the past few years, but now that I've survived them, I need to undo some damage too.
When I need help, I need to say it, out loud, and I need someone else to hear it because I know that if someone else knows, I'll be far more likely to stay on track. I won't quietly and unassumingly derail again.
Let me be clear in what I am saying.
I am not asking for reminders. I am not asking for support. I am not expecting anyone out there reading this right now to take any active role in my recovery here. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to be a part of anything. I don't.
The mere fact that you are reading this right now is helping, because it will keep me honest.
I share this journey because I have to.
I share this journey because there might be someone else out there who needs to know they aren't alone right now.
I share this journey because there might be someone else stuffing it all down, trying to manage it all on the inside right now.
I share this journey because it's hard and scary, because it's a path I haven't walked yet, because I know that it will be difficult at times.
I share this journey because it will be worth it in the end.
because nothing lasts forever
and some things aren't meant to be
but you'll never find the answers
until you set your old heart free