Like so many other times of the year anymore, June is...well, complicated.
It seems like there isn't much in my life that isn't complicated anymore, but I'm working on accepting this as the new normal.
I'm also working on dealing with all the hows and whys it's as complicated as it is. Part of that has meant that I've had to face a lot of things that I didn't want to in the last few weeks.
I like to believe that I can manage all this on my own, that I can get through anything.
And I can. I can get through anything, but that doesn't mean I'm not coming out on the other end with new scars and trauma. It doesn't mean I walk out on the other side unscathed.
It doesn't mean that I can handle everything I've been through without help.
I'm asking for help.
I've recently become more and more convinced that I have a form of post traumatic stress disorder. Turns out that when too many tragedies happen in too short a period of time, when you lose too much, when too many people betray you, when too many people hurt themselves and hurt you, eventually something has to give. When you've been told by too many people that you don't matter for too long, this happens. It's all been too much, for too long.
I'm saying uncle.
Not because I want to, but because I need to. Because I can't keep trying to keep it together all the time. Because even when I feel like I'm doing okay most of the time, all it takes is one stupid trigger and I'm back at the bottom of the hole. Because in this universe I occupy, those triggers I speak of are everywhere, invading every piece of my home, my town, my mind.
There is a limit to how much I can take, and I'm there.
I have to do this because I can't let myself live in a world where I need anxiety meds when panic attacks surface over a single phone call or song on the radio or envelope in the mail. I have to do this because my children need me to do this, they deserve to have a mother who doesn't flinch over a plastic pool.
I have to do this because I deserve to be happy.
I have to do this because in order to live in the now, I need help to stop getting dragged kicking and screaming into the past.
I'm telling you all this because I know you'll keep me honest.
I know this process will likely get worse, A LOT WORSE, before it gets better.
I know that it's going to hurt, but that eventually it will hurt less and less.
I know that at some point in this process, I'm going to want to quit.
I know that I can't.
PTSD isn't just something that affects combat veterans. It can happen to anyone as a result of any type of trauma, physical, emotional or otherwise. The symptoms can include recurrent memories, insomnia, nightmares, avoidance of social situations, panic attacks. More information on PTSD can be found here.
PTSD isn't a reflection of me, and I know that.
It's a reflection of what I have been through.
PTSD is a difficult condition to treat because of the complexity of it all, but there is one therapy that appears to work in many different settings. It's called EMDR. It took me a while to find a therapist trained in the techniques, but I did. Then I had to make it official. I had to say that I needed an appointment. I had to take that step.
I'll be starting soon, and even thought I'm nervous as hell, I know it's a step in the right direction.
Information on EMDR therapy to treat PTSD can be found here.
Some of My Most Popular Posts
My one year old has recently developed fairly severe eczema, maybe even worse than his older sister had at his age. This is the worst part o...
I feel like I've already written about this giraffe, and I know for certain that I have been periodically checking in on her for about a...
My husband stayed home from work yesterday. Over the weekend, he'd fallen up in the mountains, going and hurting himself in the process....
Philip Seymour Hoffman died yesterday. He was found with a needle still wedged into his arm, heroin believed to be the culprit. When I h...
The past week has been a difficult one for me and for so many of the people I love. I won't go rehashing what happened, mostly because i...
The following is a post I wrote on Saturday morning. I was sitting in a college classroom on the other side of the state, there for Science...
The internet is quite literally full of articles about the right way and the wrong way to be a feminist right now, especially after this wee...
Not really, of course. He's been dead over three years now. He was there though, on Friday, in the unlikeliest of places. Mi...
I wrote a post on Facebook yesterday, lamenting the fact that one of the theories I'd held fast to throughout my tenure as a parent was ...
I was standing in the hallway tonight, urging my toddler to fall asleep in his bed, awaiting his recurrent footsteps towards doorway when so...