Thursday, April 25, 2013

Floating, Sinking and Treading Water - a day in the life

This week has been one that I'd rather forget if I'm being honest. A week full of realization and revelation, of seeking answers to questions no one wants to ask, of wondering when or if things will ever be different.

The truth is that my family unit, the six of us, we've had a rough few years.

There are things that have happened that altered the course of our lives. Some within the control of people, others not. Each with their own set of consequences.

There are times that I know that it's overwhelming to me and I know that I can barely handle it all. The panic attacks make that pretty obvious. The insomnia. The fact that I didn't eat at all yesterday until dinner and the familiar pains in my stomach were comforting.

I'm afraid to admit that last one, because it means that I know I'm feeling that desperate, that powerless. That I'm trying to regain control of the one thing that I know I can. The anorexia that lingers in the back of my head when everything else spirals out of control is taunting me. Again.

I'm not in a good place.

We're not in a good place.

As the consequences weigh heavier on us, combined with the wonders of genetics, we struggle.

We all struggle.

I feel like I'm sinking right now no matter how hard I fight. Like I'm not doing enough, like I can't do enough, like it will never be enough. It's dragging me down, down, down.





I know that I'm trying. I know that I'm doing everything within my power. I know that none of that matters because so much of this is beyond my control now.

Most days I can tread water just fine. I can roll with the tides. I can keep my head above water. I can get it all done. I can put my feet on the ground in shallow water, stand and feel the warmth of the sun even sometimes.

What I need right now is a good float. A chance to lay my head back and relax and trust that the water won't drag me down again. A moment to close my eyes and find some quiet. Peace.

We all could use a good float.

Especially the one who is most like me.

What is it they say about hope?

It floats.

4 comments:

  1. Kel, is there ANYTHING, any of us can do for you? I wish I lived close to you. I see a good sign, if you believe in *signs* - this post was done at 4:44, to me that number and 11:11, are signs of "we are here, we are watching, and we've got your back" I see them ALL the time, and I saw it right away on your post. Keep treading baby, let someone throw you a rope, if you look and you are open to them, they exist. Being strong, means accepting help!

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  2. Sorry times are rough. My advice, cliche though it may be, is to step back, let go, rest, and reset. Everything that is important will be here waiting for you. Everything else will move along without you and THAT IS OK.



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  3. I'm right there with you, with a different set of circumstances, but the same feelings. I wish there was something I could do to help make this easier for you. Sending you love and prayers.

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