Monday, March 25, 2013

Apple trees, the apples and the distance they have to fall

I spent all day today trying to get help for one of my kids. Answers. Reasons.

That phase we had hoped would be outgrown someday hasn't been.  It's not just a phase, it's more than that.

The first person I met with today, the psychologist.  The intro meeting, the info meeting, the warn them what they're dealing with meeting, the before the kid meets them meeting.

Giving a full history for both sides of the family, opening all the closet doors, digging up all the ugly skeletons and laying it out there for someone else to see is exhausting to say the least.

Let's just say we have the kind of history that tends to make even the most seasoned therapists flinch.

I'm going to assume that's not a good thing.

Combine all that with medical histories on both sides of anxiety, depression, addictions, anorexia and's no wonder that my kids have issues.

I have issues.

Their father has issues.

Most of the people in our family have issues.

I just naively wished that they would somehow escape it all.  That they'd be able to go through life without all this excess baggage.  Without extra challenges in addition to whatever else life throws at them.  I wished that they would somehow defy the odds, and not take after us.

I was wrong.

The apple didn't fall very far from the tree at all.

Goddamn apple trees.

That all would have been draining enough, but I seem determined to get the ball rolling in every way I can to figure all this out.  Met with the pediatrician too.  The doctor who's known my kids since they were babies.  Who knows our history.  Who knows their quirks.  Who knows that what's going on isn't normal.  Who knows we need help.  Who called me on a weekend to talk about it all before I marched in there with my brave mama face on today, holding the hand of my child.

We can do this.

We will do this.

We will do everything we can to help them navigate this world, no matter what cards they are dealt, no matter how much the deck is stacked against them.

I've got my eyes wide open, and as much as it hurts to admit that so much of this comes from me, I'm doing it.  I'm owning it.  I'm staring it down in the mirror, and I'm seeing it in the eyes of my babies.

I'll be all the things the tree is supposed to be, even with it's flaws and knots, with it's twisted branches and spots of weakness.

I'll be strong and sturdy.  I'll weather the storms.  I'll shield them from harm, I'll raise them the best I can, I'll help them as much as I'm able.

They'll be the apples they are.  Beautiful, different, sweet and sour.  Delicate, yet full of life.  Some just a little more bruised than the others.

As much as it hurts, I'll let them fall.

I'll just be there to pick them up when they do.


  1. So true. Lovely post. Math is everywhere, darn gravity! Everybody is a little bit broken and that's ok. Keep loving those kids:)

  2. Good Lord, this sounds like us. Josh's family is full of people with addiction and mental health issues. My birthdad's side comes with bipolar disorder and a strong tendency towards self-injury and eating disorders. I'm really hoping my kids can dodge those bullets. But if not, I will do my best, just like I know you are doing, to help them navigate this crazy life. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.

  3. Oohh sounds like welcome to my family. I have only one and thort I couldn't get it so wrong after being the eldest of 7 and growing up and learning and knowing what I have. How wrong. I'll take my last breath for her to get things right. Apple tree I'm not. Lonely oak tree in a field of nothing else I am. I will do it on my own as I have and change her life so she wont be that lonely oak tree in the future.

  4. You are in an orchard. We are pears, peaches, apples, walnuts, pecans and cherries. We are what makes life life. Apples and peaches all fall, but they don't roll far. I'm reading so many books right now, K, about all this, my eyeballs are floating. I'm catching up on you today. Been offline, as you know, for the better part of a week; boots on the ground and kids out of school... not much typing going on here. Be good to you as much as you can; you are there to protect and love. We've all got issues, man. Anyone who thinks s/he doesn't is on crack. Really. xo -Mol


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