Sunday, February 10, 2013

The Distance Between Then and Now

Dear  Dad,

There are days when it seems like you were here just a little while ago, and there are days when it seems like it's been an eternity without you.  It's hard to believe that it's been two years, but then I realize how much has happened since then and know it must be true.

I thought for sure that losing you would be one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through.  I had no idea how wrong I was.

Losing you was hard, but you made it easier.  You did it all on your own terms.  You made your peace with it. You helped all the rest of us through the process.  Often it wasn't us holding your hand, but the other way around.  When you left, there was sadness, but it was a peaceful sadness.  Acceptance.

It wasn't fair, but it was time.

Enough tragedy for a lifetime has filled the space between then and now.

Tragedy that I wish you had been here to help with, but that I am even more grateful you didn't have to endure. Unspeakable things that people have done to me, to others, to themselves.  Not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined what the last two years would be like, but I am here.  I am strong.  I am a survivor.

You made me this way.

All these people say that time heals, but I'm not convinced they are right.  Time puts more miles between then and now, for sure, but it doesn't make things easier.  It doesn't stop me from tearing up when I hear songs that remind me of you.  It doesn't make the times you should be here pass without reflection.

It doesn't fill the hole in my heart when I'm somewhere and I see a grandfather with his grand kids and I wish that you were still here.  It doesn't make my heart hurt less to know my children will grow up without you.  It doesn't give me a safe place to go when I struggle with the big questions in life.  It doesn't pick up the phone on the other side of the line just so I can hear your voice.

I did that a lot, you know.  I'm sure that you probably realized it when you were still here.  I am sure there were times that you were busy or not feeling well, when you weren't in the mood to talk, but you picked up the phone anyway because you knew I needed to hear your voice.

I miss your voice.

I miss everything about you.

Time doesn't make many things better, but it teaches us, it teaches me, to go on.  To pick myself up, dust myself off, and go on.  To find my way through a life that hasn't turned out the way I thought it would.  To do it with the tools you gave me, even if it means I have to do it without you.

I try my best every day to make you proud.  To be an honorable person.  To find the good in others.  To forgive.

I miss you every day, Dad.  I love you.

10 comments:

  1. Walking the same road. Feeling for you and sending you love.

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  2. Sending hugs and good thoughts. XOXO

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  3. Tears pouring down my face as I write this mine isn't gone but I always think about how horrible it would be to lose him. Daddy's hugs are the best safest place in the world and I'm proud to say I am and will always be a Daddy's girl . That I always go to Daddy and get a hug when the world is to hard to handle. A world without that would be so hard. I am so sorry that you lost your dad Kelly. I know that I would feel so incomplete without mine here with me.

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  4. Love and hugs times infinity. I wish we were closer so I could give you real hugs <3 Love you, Kelly.

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  5. the bond between a father and his daughter is deep, real and profound. the purer the bond (not to be confused with perfection) the more vulnerable we become. thank god for that purity. funny thing is: time is relative. we can make it speed or slow. when we love what we have lost, it can grind on forever. love to you.

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  6. Can't help but feel the same way. Thought - so many of my friends are now going through the end of life slowly with their parents (dementia, altzeimers, cancer) do you think losing quickly or the slow over years degeneration is the best for children. Just wondering - both my parents were diagnosed in Dec and passed in the spring. Anyway, I always say that NO ONE understands until they lose a parent.

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    Replies
    1. Longer illnesses make the death easier on thosr left I think, more time for.acceptance and closure...but come with the price of pain and suffering for the one who goes. Sudden deaths are far easier for the one gone, but harder I think for the ones left, at least in my personal experience. Either way, it's all hard.

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  7. I think your dad is really proud of you right now. xoxo

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  8. To steal a quote from the Sixth Sense:

    Cole Sear: [of his grandmother] She wanted me to tell you...

    Lynn Sear: Cole, please stop...

    Cole Sear: She wanted me to tell you she saw you dance. She said, when you were little, you and her had a fight, right before your dance recital. You thought she didn't come see you dance. She did. She hid in the back so you wouldn't see. She said you were like an angel. She said you came to the place where they buried her. Asked her a question? She said the answer is... "Every day." What did you ask?

    Lynn Sear: Do... Do I make her proud?

    I'm sure you make him proud. Every day.

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  9. Oh wow this made me tear up. This is everything I wish I could say to my dad if he were alive today. It's so beautiful---I got chills when I read the last 7 lines. This is how I feel and what I think every single day....

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