Monday, February 25, 2013

The complicated relationship between this girl and her mother

In large part, I have avoided writing about pieces of my life here. You guys probably think I share a lot, but trust me when I say that I don't.

I've shared bits of the stories with people in real life, with friends I've made online, with trusted confidants.  There are times that I've been at my wits end with it all, questioned whether I was doing the right thing or not.  Asked why.  All that.

Family is complicated.  Mine is special.

I have shielded others from things as much as I could, because it's my job.  

I've even spent a lot of time protecting the one hurting me.  

In doing so, I've suffered.  

A lot.

I haven't just lost my father.  In many ways, I've lost both of my parents.  My mother is still here, yes.  But she isn't.  She doesn't think I even deserve to know when she is in the hospital these days.  

She had choices, lots of them.  She chose to hurt us.  She chose to hurt herself.

She needs help.

And I can't help her. I have tried. I tried everything I could think of.

I've carried it all inside for too long.  

When things come spilling out of me to the people who should know, there is a huge sense of relief that comes with it.  A weight lifted off my shoulders.  

Clarity.

I spend too much time trying to reassure myself that I've done all I can.  That I can't fix someone else. That I can't help someone who doesn't want it.  That I can't enable self-destruction.  That I have to protect my children.  

That I have to protect myself.  

And sometimes I am in a good place with it.  I reason that the one who isn't here anymore, the one who asked me to do the best I could, would reassure me that I've done what I can.  That distance is better now.  That the damage is too bad.  That I can be okay with things as they are.

I am virtually certain of all that.

Sometimes I am in a good place with it, until I get blindsided again.  

In the last few weeks, there have been too many reminders.  Too many lingering consequences.  Too many things we have had to deal with.  Too many things forgotten.

When someone you love seems determined to ruin their life, the one thing they don't realize is that even if their motivations are inherently selfish and myopic, there is damage done to everyone around them.  They aren't just downward spiraling, they are dragging others with them.

And it is not fair.

It's not fair to me.  It's not fair to my kids.  It's not fair to the rest of my family.  

I'm tired of being dragged.

I love you Mom, and I miss you.  

15 comments:

  1. <3 <3 <3 <3 Much love to you and your family, lady. This resonated very strongly with me. Sending you wishes for strength and understanding.

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  2. That parent/child relationship is so damn hard. Sometimes it works and sometimes it feels like a dark hole. I think we like to believe once we are parents ourselves we will GET our parents better but that isn't always the case. The best we can hope for is to do better than what came before.

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  3. Oh, I get this, I so get this. I don't wish this on anyone... I had a therapist tell me once - what makes you think that you are so powerful that you can get a full grown adult to listen to you and do what you say (or want)? My answer? Because I am right!!! She didn't like that, and spent quite some time explaining to me thats not how it works, we are only responsible for ourselves, we have absolutely no power or responsiblility for others, they choice their own paths and we must allow it. I have worked really hard on practicing that- but family sucks sometimes and they pull you in, or try too and its my job to not let them...sigh.

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  4. Relationships...they are so darn hard sometimes.

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  5. I admire your maturity and fearlessness. I need to write the same kind of post to my mother and sister. Maybe, one day I will

    Thanks for showing me your gut.

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  6. Sending you hugs and love. This post resonated with me even though its a brother-sister relationship that I am dealing with. It's hard to say "I can't fix this" when it is family. I will also send up some extra prayers for comfort and peace for you.

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  7. I'm so sorry and am sending you much love and good vibes. Wish life wasn't so darn complicated.

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  8. For me, I come to terms with what I KNOW needs to happen (lack of contact) but then feel guilty. So then there is contact and I end up pissed/frustrated that things weren't any different and that sad with the underlying knowledge that it never will be. Then the depression worsens and the cycle continues. It's so easy to say what you know you need to do, but so much harder to do. Maybe some of it is the hope that change has/can occur. Maybe it's just stupidity!

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  9. Courageous, that is what I felt when I read this. I can relate so much with you on this. Thank you for reminding me, even when I think I am , I am not the only one dealing with this kind of situation.

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  10. My mother wrecked 2 cars in one day. trying to go to the doctor for pills. it was a Sunday. had her locked up on a mental inquest and bc i could not guarantee payment, they released her. after yelling me they would have done it sooner for their mother.I've spent all my life fighting off her husbands and boyfriends. my fault for tempting them at 12 & 13. Made the mistake of telling a family member that when my mother passes, o will have some relief, not pleasure but relief. 3.yrs of holidays spent alone since that time. some things u come to terms and some things still hurt.

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  11. This will most likely hit everyone (mostly females though as we are the ones who take on the Caretaker persona) somewhere... brother/sister, sister/sister, daughter/mother and even grand daughter/grand mother and last but not least; girlfriend/girlfriend - it can apply to addictions, medical conditions and really just about anything because it all boils down to control and the hard realization that we have so little of it! To those of us that keep as much "order" in our lives as possible, usually as to keep all those "balls in the air" so our little house of cards doesn't fall, it is even harder to try and understand the unwillingness of others to see and concede to the obvious fact WE ARE RIGHT and we know best! *lol*
    With the medical things you mentioned here Kelly, "She doesn't think I even deserve to know when she is in the hospital these days" That must be hard for you, I think I would feel as though I'd been slapped for some reason. But, I get it, I get both sides of it, she may just feel like she has NO CONTROL and this is all she can do, to brave it alone?? or to not bother you? regardless of the reason, I'm sure it hurts. I hope the writing is cleansing.

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    Replies
    1. I'm absolutely certain she feels that way, but she refused to get the help she needed back when this all started to see that she wasn't...and now, largely because of decisions she has made, she actually is. :(

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    2. Hard to even imagine the heartbreak and frustration you must be feeling. I know each time she takes a long while between turns in our online games, I wonder... My heart goes out to you all. Trust your gut, it seems to be a good one.

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  12. Good for you. One day I will follow suit. The posts are already racked up. I just have to hit "publish." xoxo

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