I haven't been all that funny lately, at least not here on the blog, so I'm digging deep today for your benefit. Be grateful, dammit.
That, and you should follow my page on Facebook if you aren't already...I'm way funnier there than here, on average. I think.
Anyway, here's the list of things pissing me off this week...
You know them. You hate them. They're the assholes of the internet. Literally. The people who have to inject some bizarre comment into everything you're ever excited about. Who have to whine about how they want what you have, or that you're rubbing it in their faces when you completely aren't. They are the people who can't ever just let someone be happy. They have to tell you about every bad thing that could possibly happen, or somehow make it all about them and their losses, their sacrifices, the things they've had to go through. Or about the time that they knew this person and _________ happened.
Stop it. Stop it, stop it, stop it.
A while ago, I wrote a piece on my Tuesday theme about how whenever people do things like that (myself included), they are projecting, and we should just ignore them, not take it personally. While they may not mean to suck the fun out of your life, and that is the obvious consequence of what they do, they are just being the inherently selfish people that we all can be from time to time.
Get your head out of your ass...and remember that lesson we had ground into our skulls in Kindergarten. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything. Also, STFU.
They are everywhere too, and they always seem to have the exact solution to fix everything you've ever done wrong, except that by and large they don't actually know what the hell they are talking about. These are the conversation injectors, the I overheard you talking about so and so's, the I just wanted to reach out to you and tell you how to live your life so that I can feel better about myself while I judge you-ers, the I want to try to somehow compare my completely irrelevant situation to yours then minimize what's going on in your lif-ers.
Here's the thing...almost no one really knows the entire set of circumstances affecting someone else, or their decisions about their children, their marriage, their finances, their careers, their vacations, their medical issues or their education.
Very few mothers that I've ever encountered in my lifetime have ever been prone to making completely irrational impulsive decisions. We usually do what we do for good, valid reasons, even if we don't advertise them to the rest of the world. Those decisions, and the reasons behind them are no one else's damn business unless we decide to confide in you.
If we do confide in you, keep that shit close. Seriously. Nothing chaps my ass more than finding out someone told someone else something just because it made for good gossip. We remember who we told, and we remember who we didn't. Other people start asking questions, and I'm looking at you.
Sometimes those decisions aren't the best. Sometimes they backfire. Sometimes we make mistakes. It happens....but almost never because we didn't care enough, think enough or love enough.
Besides, we are hard enough on ourselves without other people adding fuel to the fire. So stop it.
My Children, the Hoarders
I need to just rent a dumpster. I'm not even sure how it happens. I don't ever remember this volume of crap coming into the house, yet here it is. Inside their rooms.
I got so fed up with one of them yesterday, that I just walked away. I'll get back in there when they are at school, when I can throw things away without tiny hands grabbing them out of trash cans.
Those shows....this is how it begins. One cry of this is not trash....twenty years later they have 87 cats and toxic mold with television cameras in their house staging an intervention.
Also, I now have 673 loads of laundry to do because they found all their dirty clothes. Which is awesome.
People Who Cannot Figure Out Parking Lots
You know those white lines on the ground??? They aren't just suggestions. They are called parking spaces, and you are supposed to get your entire car inside them.
Revolutionary, I know.
Incidentally, does anyone else like watching people try to back into parking spaces or parallel park??? It's more entertaining than most things on TV, and I lack the discipline to resist the urge to laugh if you execute a 27 point turn in a Jetta.
The Price of Activity
We encourage the kids to play sports, until we go to the sporting goods store and realize it's going to cost a few hundred dollars just to buy shit they will outgrow in three months. Forget league fees and pictures and coach's gifts and all the lunches bought in other towns because we're traveling. Just the gear costs a damn fortune. I try to rationalize buying one size up when I can get away with it, hoping that we can squeeze more than one season out of whatever it is.
This last weekend, we bought wrestling gear for the oldest boy, which was interesting given that I have no fucking idea what I'm buying. I go to the section with the sign that says Wrestling and buy whatever the salespeople tell me to. And then a few more things. Because we want him to keep his ears and his teeth intact. Thank god I didn't have to buy the mansie for him to wear. (I know it's called a singlet, but mansie sounds better in my head, so MANSIE IT IS!!!)
Want to know why I didn't have to buy the mansie??? Are you ready for the knowledge I'm about to drop on you right now???
The school checks them out. Used pubescent boy spandex leotards.
At least I didn't have to buy that, right?
I will be washing it daily, however. Then dousing my arms in bleach. Shudder.
Besides, soccer season is coming....and I'll be buying 20 new pairs of socks since we need one set in every color for every practice, and the sisters can't match each other and every other pair of socks I've ever bought for soccer have disappeared.
Wait a minute....I think these kids of mine are geniuses.
I'm going to start losing shit so I have a perfectly legitimate reason to go buy more. Sounds good to me.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
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