Thursday, January 17, 2013

Lance Armstrong - The View From The Outside, Literally

Good morning!  I have a special treat for you all today, as I landed what very well could be deemed a historic interview.  Joining me in the hive today, someone that we all seem to have opinions of, someone that we all either love or hate these days, someone who makes headlines on a regular basis and is recognized around the world. 

Lance Armstrong.

Sort of.  The real Lance couldn't be with us today because he's busy being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, so we got the next best thing.   His testicle.  You know, the one that started all this cancer nonsense and was removed from his body in 1996.  That testicle.

image courtesy of Molly Field

I thank you for taking time to talk to me, today, sir.  May I ask you what your name is?

People always say that Lance has a lot of cojones.  I've always wondered why they say that, really.  I mean, he only has the one cojone now.  I've been in this jar for a long time now.  You can call me Harry.

Alright then, Harry. (stifles giggle, almost snorts a little)  I have some questions I would like to ask you, if that's okay.


(Clears throat)  How have things been for you lately?  Lance seems to be having a rough time these past few months with all the allegations, the stripping of his Tour wins, and just today, the loss of his Olympic medals.  How are you doing with it all?

I'm great, actually.  Thanks for asking.  Technically, I'm not affiliated with him anymore.  Back when were on the same team, we got along well.  He never spoke ill of me to anyone else, never threatened me.  In fact, we were pretty close. We had some good times together, Lance and I.  I like to think I was one of his best friends for many years. It's not surprising all this stuff that is happening to him now, I suppose.  I did know him pretty well.

Could you elaborate more on that?

I spent a lot of time smashed between his body and a bike seat, so my memory is not perfect, but I do remember he seemed awfully motivated to win.  Like all the time.  He wanted to be the best at everything. 

There are some people that speculate that maybe the drugs he was using early in his training may have caused, or worsened the cancer.  What do you think about that?

Well, I don't know for sure what he was putting in his body, I just know what came out of it.  I guess it's possible that his doping started before he got sick.  I mean, it sure would make sense.  But then, that would mean that maybe I wouldn't have to be here in this jar now.  Maybe I could still be out there in the world.  (sits quietly for a few moments, then starts shaking up the liquid in the jar)

Is everything okay, Harry?

You don't want to see me when I'm angry.  I tend to explode.

I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to upset you.  Can we continue with the interview now? 

Yes.  I guess.  Sometimes I just get really mad at him.  I mean, people always talk about him like he's some kind of hero or something, and I know who he really is.  Now I'm stuck in this jar, and I missed out on all the fun Happy got to have.  The glory, the models, the rock stars....Happy got all the fun, and I'm here.  In this goddamn jar.

I'm sorry, I'm not understanding.  Is Happy the other testicle? 

Yes, and that bastard got to live the good life.  Sleeping with all those women.  It's like the dude had to prove his manhood all the time.  Happy tells me stories.  I mean, come on. Lance's ex-wife is gorgeous.  Sheryl Crow is a freaking rockstar.  There have been so many.  And then there are the rumors of the hotel rooms and such....I guess I should be glad that I wasn't part of his betraying people and leaving them and all, but I could have at least had fun instead of sitting in this stupid jar. 

Are you willing to talk about the doping scandal at all?

Sure.  I mean, it is why I'm here right?  That's what people seem concerned with.  He doped.  A lot.  He forgot that Happy and I have this weird telepathic connection, so I know what he's been up to.  Dude used a lot of stuff.  Don't get me wrong, he worked hard, but he had an arsenal of weapons at his disposal to help.  The stories about the blood bags in hotel rooms are legendary.  He is trying to say that it's not a big deal because everyone did it, but that's just not true.  Most of them did, but he was using the newest, the best, the most untraceable stuff.  He was the Don Corleone of the racing world.  No one got the stuff he got.  His doctors were one step ahead of the tests, and it was in everyone's best interest to get him to win races at that point, so people did what they did.  Many looked the other way, even the testers that accepted money when he failed the test.  That whole mess was pretty ballsy, I have to say. 

But he's never failed a drug test, right?

(Harry laughs)  Oh, no.  He failed one. A big one too.  But the testers got paid off, a hefty chunk of money too.  I won't say who funded the payoff because Lance might turn on me too, so imma stop talking right now.  (freezes up, turns blue)

Are you afraid of him?

Hell yes, I'm afraid of him.  Lots of people are, and with good reason.  He sued people who told the truth, blackballed them, forced them out of their professions.  He physically threatened people all the damn time, and didn't care who or where or when.  He did it in crowded restaurants and in secret phone calls.  He was pretty sure that he could keep the fraud going forever through intimidation.  Besides, I'm not affiliated with him anymore.  He doesn't need me.  I'm expendable.  He used me enough already anyway, and not just sexually.

What do you mean he used you?

This whole cancer thing.  Yeah, they fished me out of his body because I had issues and all, but he was deemed cancer free within a few months.  I'm sure the treatments sucked and all that, I'm sure that it was hard for him.  I remember how upset he was when he found out they were taking me away.  But that foundation he started???  You know he started it in case he couldn't race again, right?  That way, he'd have a job, a purpose.  Then he got better and the media caught on to his story.  Suddenly, he inspired people everywhere.  Blah, blah, blah.  Dude made millions because of cancer.  The whole situation blows.

Are you hinting that Livestrong isn't what he claims?

Not just hinting, lady.  Check out their mission statements, look at their tax paperwork.  They stopped funding research years and years ago, yet the vast majority of people in this country think that's what Livestrong does.  Nope.  They've raised millions and millions of dollars by misleading people.  They are sitting on $40 million in reserves, and have a plane that he used for personal stuff.  He made plenty of contacts through it, though.  Signed tons of personal endorsement deals because of his affiliation.  I'm glad he quit, but I think the damage is done honestly.  No one thinks about Livestrong without thinking of him, and that could kill the organization.  It's sad really.

Speaking of those endorsement deals, he lost them all.  How does that make you feel?

I laugh now.  It's funny, right?  I am not surprised that all his sponsors pulled their contracts once he was stripped of the Tour de France titles.  You can only proclaim your innocence from mountaintops for so long before the truth comes out.  Over a decade of his in-your-face-this-is-a-witchhunt-press-conferences aren't making people warm up to him now that we know he was the one lying all along. 

I mean, I knew....but no one listens to a ball in a jar.  I have a feeling some of them might actually sue him for the money back that he was paid because of fraud.  That would be a fall from grace, right?  I mean, if there's one thing Lance loves more than fame, it's fortune. 

Too bad it exploded in his face.

Reports are that he confessed during the interview with Oprah.  Do you think it's genuine?

From what Happy told me, he confessed to things because he finally felt like he had no choice.  I mean, are there still people out there that honestly believe he was telling the truth?  I'd like to sell them some swamp land if that's the case.  He wants to race again, and the racing powers that be won't let him until and unless he confesses. 

I'm pretty sure all that rehearsing Happy told me he's been doing won't be wasted. 

Just watch, I bet he cries right at the climax of the show. 

Well, that's all the time we have today.  I want to thank you for sharing your story with us today, Harry.  I wish you the best of luck in the future as you enter the former-friend-of-Lance witness protection program. 

Thanks.  It was a blast.  I'm going to need all the help I can get after this goes public.  (adjusts his dark sunglasses and fake mustache)

Let's blow this joint.

The lawyer in me tells me that I need to add a disclaimer to the bottom of this.  This post is intended to be humor, and I claim no actual knowledge of Lance, his body parts, or his motivations.  In fact, his testicle was dissected in a pathology lab way back then, before it was destroyed as medical waste....and yes, I know that's what really happens.  Anyhow, I hope it made you giggle, as that was my intent. 


  1. Got your lawyers on speed-dial?

    The one-balled man deserves all the mocking we can throw at him. I've never been one to hold athletes up as heroes or role models. Some do good things, some don't, just like everybody else.

    Glad you wrote this piece. I laughed. I cried. I can't wait for the movie ;)

  2. Whatever makeup I had on came off, Kelly! Love it. Love it. Love it. The one ball interview...ballsy, lady.

  3. Good Job Kelly, enjoyed it - maybe not a movie - but a cartoon short???????

  4. Respect Kelly! A cartoon, an animation short, for the speaking cojon!

  5. Good one! Pretty freaking creative interviewing a cajone. I wonder if anyone ever makes a connection between his doping and his cancer?


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