Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I don't have an island, I have an archipelago

There will be more islands, I said.

Here, in no particular order...

My Movie Island
Pick the 5 movies you'd take with you assuming you could never ever watch any other movie again.  Choose wisely.

1) The Hangover - I've watched it a million times, and still laugh my ass off.  I still can't figure out the chicken.  Does anyone know why the chicken is there???

2) American Beauty - My all time favorite movie.  I may kick myself for bringing this one along later, but I've got four other ones to amuse me too.

3) Pulp Fiction - Because Quentin Tarantino is a bad ass mofo. I could watch the Uma/Travolta dance scene until the end of the world, and loves me some Samuel L. Jackson.

4) Steel Magnolias - Just shut up.  It's coming.  I love this movie in an unnatural way.  Makes me cry every.damn.time.

5) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - my marathon watching of this in the last month proves my undying affection for this fine film.  Shitter's full!

My Band Island
Same deal as the movies.  The 5 bands/performers you'd cast away if you could never listen to anyone else again.  (Ignore the other musicians that made my other islands....they're already in the archipelago)

1) Flogging Molly - Because I'm Irish and they make me happy.  Plus, they are bringing the beer.

2) P!nk - She's gorgeous, she's a true performer, and she's more pissed off than I usually am.  I heart her.

3) The Doors - Imma bring Jim Morrison and his hot ass back from the dead.  He will not be allowed to bring shirts, and will sing only to me.

4) Sting - Love me some Gordon Sumner.  I don't care if he's an egotistical ass, he is freaking Sting.

5) Flo-Rida - As much as I disapprove of my daughters singing the lyrics to most of his songs, they are damn  catchy.  I would like to dance on my island.  I will not be blowing his whistle, however.

My Cartoon Island
1) JEM - She is truly outrageous.

2) Animaniacs - The show that taught me that most cartoons are really written for adults with inappropriate senses of humor, cleverly disguised as shows for kids.

3) She-Ra - She's a fucking badass.

4) Pinky and the Brain - Are you pondering what I'm pondering?  You should be.

5) Beavis and Butthead - Well, just because.  So what if I've already seen every episode three times?

My Author Island
1) Ernest Hemingway - Because he's the best.

2) Edgar Allen Poe - Someone has to bring the drugs.

3) Jane Austen - So that I can feel longing for some other life all the time.

4) Tolkien - If we're going to be on this island forever, I need someone who can drag out a story in a way no one else can with unnecessary ten page long descriptions of the color of the sky and shit.

5) James Frey - Bet you weren't expecting that, were ya?  I want to sit down with this guy and pick his brain, primarily because I'm so bad at writing fiction that it always comes out more like an inflated memoir.  I loved the book, and am convinced that this psuedo-fiction niche needs to exist.

My dinner conversation island
1) Stephen Hawking - Seriously, the dude is a genius.  He probably could answer any question you asked him.

2) James Lipton - He has the dirt on all the famous people and could entertain me for a long time.

3) Bill Clinton - I just get the distinct sense that he'd be an awesome guy to have a few drinks with.

4) Ghandi - I can't promise he'd actually eat at this dinner, but I'd love to hear him talk about peaceful resistance.

5) Mary Magdalene - You know there's really only one question that I have for her.

My "people I want to force to play Survivor against each other for real" island
One island, no weapons, who survives?  I'm betting Genghis Khan kicks everyone's ass.

1) Hitler

2) Stalin

3) Genghis Khan

4) Kim Jong Il

5) Saddam Hussein

My Banishment Island
1) Gwenyth Paltrow - Ohmygosh you guys, she is just so perfect.  I've had it with her preaching to the rest of the world about how we're all doing it wrong.  I get it, she's the best woman, wife, actress, least in her own eyes.  Go away.

2) Sarah Palin - I bet she can see Russia from there.

3) Ann Coulter - I want to see her rip Palin to shreds.  It might never happen, but at least she'd be gone from this world.

4) Justin Bieber - To make it worse, I'd like to take away his tank tops and girly necklaces first, give him pants that fit and shave his head.  Bon Voyage, Biebs!

5) Those who shall not be named, my real life Voldemorts.  So what if there are two of them, they are basically the same evil beast?  GTFO


  1. This was very entertaining. Thank you! I agree most with your movie and banishment island lists. :)

  2. I'm feeling very old. It seems you have more in common on the entertainment front with my son than with me. I do get you on the Dinner, Survivor and Banishment Islands though!

    1. I've told you I'm really a 14 year old boy, right?

  3. So much thought and passion went into this, I won't come at you with snobbery for your choices.

    I like Pink and Lady Guhga as people, but I just can't stomach their music, for the most part. I bet Pink is more of a rocker in person than on CD.

    You are the only human I know that digs Pulp Fiction and Steel Magnolias. That makes you unique.

  4. I <3 you. You pick trending bands just because they make you move. Also, Pulp Fiction. Yes! We must have been separated at birth.


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