Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Her Name Was Hannah

Though it would be impossible to ever say with certainty what the statistics actually are, it's said that between 10-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. 

In reality, that number is probably a lot higher because they can only account for medically confirmed pregnancies.  Far more women will lose babies in those very early weeks, sometimes without even realizing they had a loss.

I shared a little bit of my story yesterday.  When I do this, when I open myself up this way, when I let people into the deepest darkest places in my soul, I wonder why.  Then I remember why.  I'm doing this in the hopes that maybe someone else out there is reading this right now, is feeling what I felt, and that maybe they won't feel so alone.

Our story is a bit of a roller coaster, so bear with me.  In October 1999, my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer.  I was in law school, we'd just been married the year before.  We had no intentions of having kids for at least five years, but when you find out that it might never happen at all, and you've got a very small window to try, you try. 

Between the surgery and the beginning of radiation treatments, we had a week and a half to bank sperm and try to get pregnant.  Complicated by the fact that he needed to come up with at least three samples, at least 24 hours apart and that I had *just* stopped taking the pill in desperation, we knew it was a long shot. 

I'm not going to write about the whole sperm banking part of this all because it's strange and horribly embarrassing and that's his story to tell, not mine.

Anyhow, we tried.  And we hoped, knowing that it probably wouldn't work.  There was too much else going on.

Fast forward to December 9th.  It was the last day of his radiation cycle, and I'd sat in the waiting room feeling like I was fifty years younger than all the other spouses every day for weeks.  I'd basically taken a leave from school (and should have quit, but that's another story).  I waited and waited to do a test until that day.  On that day, the last of his treatment, there was a line.  I was about 7 1/2 weeks. 

All the hell we'd been through seemed worth it.  It was a miracle.  Even if we could never get pregnant without help again, this had happened.

We told everyone. Shouted it from the rooftops.  All our friends, family, classmates, co-workers.  Everyone was rooting for us, everyone was so invested in it with us.

On January 12th I went to the doctor.  I was supposed to be 12 weeks at that point, but the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat.  She told me not to worry, that maybe the dates were off, and that I would have to go have a more detailed ultrasound the next day. 

It didn't even really occur to me that anything was terribly wrong.

The following day, all I could think about was the fact that they'd forced me to drink almost a gallon of water and I couldn't go to the bathroom.  Appointments never run on time when you're pregnant with a full bladder.  I was nervous, but not afraid.  My husband was with me.

In the dark room, the humming of the machines.  The technician welcomed us, asking if it was our first baby.  Excitedly, we said yes.  Told her the story.  She cried.  Placed the probes on me and started quietly taking pictures.  After a long time of silence, she left the room. 

When he walked in, I knew. The look on my husband's face did nothing to reassure me.  This was the same man who'd diagnosed his cancer months ago, and he was here today to tell me that my baby was dead.  I don't remember much else about that day.

The doctor called me later that afternoon to ask what I wanted to do.  I could have a d&c or they could force it with medication.  It was too late to wait any longer for my body to take care of it without help.  All I knew is that the last place I wanted to be in the entire world was on a labor and delivery floor with women who were having babies.  I opted for the other choice.

The following day, I went, alone.  I didn't want anyone there.  She placed the tablets on my cervix, and coldly told me that I might want to stop and pick up a heating pad.  It was going to hurt.  Sent me home.  On a Friday.  Alone.  With a dead baby that needed to come out of me.

The cramping was almost unbearable, and after many, many hours, the baby was gone just after midnight.  It was January 15, 2000.

I know in my heart that she was a girl.  Her name would have been Hannah. 

I spent days curled up in the fetal position on the floor crying.  I couldn't bear to pack up the piles and piles of baby stuff that everyone had bought for us in their excitement.  We had even bought a condo during this whole process, thinking we needed a home to raise a child in.  Except there was no baby anymore. 

I went into a bad, bad place.  I knew that this had happened to other women, sure.  But you never ever think it will happen to you.  And no matter how many stories you hear, none of it helps.  None of it makes it hurt less. 

I cried myself to sleep for months, and would wake in the middle of the night thinking I heard a baby crying. It was torture.

I didn't care about school at all anymore.  Plus, there was a girl there a few weeks further along than I was.  I couldn't sit next to her every day, so I just didn't go sometimes. 

When you have a miscarriage, in the eyes of far too many people, there is nothing to mourn.  It's not a child yet, it's not someone who you have stories and pictures of.  It's an idea more than anything.

People said all kinds of things, in attempts to console me, that came out wrong and made it hurt more.  I stopped talking to people. 
You're young. 
You can have more babies. 
There must have been something wrong with this baby. 
Maybe it was the cancer. 
It's better this way. 
You can finish school. 

None of it helped.

Even my husband, as much as he tried, couldn't console me.  Men just come from a different place with this all, and I blamed him for a long time.  It's not that I wanted him to hurt as much as I did,  I just wanted him to understand.  With time, I knew I had to let that go.  It wasn't fair.  He was never going to be as close to this as I was.

On a particularly hard day, I found myself wandering the mall instead of sitting in a Constitutional Law lecture.  I walked to the window, and on display were birthstones.  August.  Peridot. 

Spontaneously, I walked into the store and bought myself a small pendant. Put it on immediately, and as strange as it sounds, I felt comforted by it.  She was due in August. 


I made a deal with myself that I would wear it every day until she was supposed to be born, then I would put it away.

And I did. 

I think I needed that necklace, as silly as it sounds.  It saved me, and it's a memory that I will always have of her.

I wear it now every year on January 15th.

Everything else in my life gets the rest of the year, but that day will always belong to my first child.

As women, we are the mothers of these babies, even if they reside only in our hearts and not in our arms.  They make us who we are, they shape our life experiences.  They change us. 

If you have a story and you would like to share it, please feel free to do so in the comments.  All of our stories are important and need to be told. 

xoxo

57 comments:

  1. Several months before my youngest was conceived, I miscarried. I am one of the women who would have been part of the real statistics - not just the medically diagnosed ones - because I was only five or six weeks along when I lost the pregnancy. I just happened to have a doctor's appointment, and our discussion about my life at that time and certain symptoms I'd been having prompted her to do a pregnancy test. It was positive. For an entire weekend, I thought life was growing inside me. The hCg level was very, very low, though, so she had me back in for another blood test. The level had gotten even lower. I'd already lost the baby-to-be when she'd done the first blood test. You are right - it doesn't matter that we weren't able to hold that child. That child was magical all the same. The loss is still devastating. You have amazing strength... thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. It never goes away, just hurts a little less. xo

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  2. Kelly - I'm so sorry for your loss. She was important to you. That is obvious. Happy that you got to have more children. It's nice that you honor Hannah's memory. This same thing happened to one of my good friends from high school. She gave birth to her stillborn daughter at eight months. It must be heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you and other women who have suffered this kind of loss <3

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  3. It's a very hard thing to go through,I've done it twice. We got married because I was pregnant, my 1st baby died while we were on our honeymoon.... I was 12 weeks when we found out but baby only made it to 9. I can still see the image on the screen. It never goes away but I'm blessed to have 2 wonderful healthy children. I know in my heart the two little souls lost will be there for me when it's time to go home. What a lovely thing to do. I hope the necklace gives you comfort....
    BTW I have a Hannah too.

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  4. I admire your strength in writing this post. Every time I share more of my story about our struggle to conceive and our losses I feel like I'm reliving every moment of it. It never gets easier. But I know that so many of the people who read it can probably relate. Many of them are in different places in their journey. I always feel suddenly less alone in the sad when I remember this. When we remember that we are not alone in these darker, seemingly unfair moments, I think that's when the healing really starts. That's the way I see it at least. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story so eloquently. XOXO

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    1. Thank you. They are hard stories to write, but I think more of us need to do it, even when it's hard, so that others know they are not alone. xo

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  5. On October 19th, 2001, I took a test. It was positive. I was thrilled. I went to the DR, they did an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. They said the same thing to me that they said to you..maybe the dates were off. Before I could go back, I started bleeding. On November 12, I miscarried, at home.
    On January 21, 2002, I took another test. It was positive. Same song and dance and on February 13, 2002, I miscarried at home again.
    After that, my marriage pretty much went downhill and we divorced.
    6 years, twins, and a new marriage later, I took the test again on October 3 2008. It was positive. We were thrilled.....then the bleeding started again and on October 10, I miscarried. That one was deemed a chemical pregnancy. That one was the hardest for me out of all 3. We call the baby Poppy....because it would have been the size of a poppy seed.
    On January 3, 2009, I took a test. It was positive. I went to the Dr and had an ultrasound. I saw the heartbeat. But I was told my progesterone levels were low and that I could miscarry. I was absolutely heartbroken and did what I could to keep the pregnancy going. She was born on August 25, 2009 and she's currently sitting on the couch behind me watching Gaspard and Lisa.
    I got my tubes tied after her, because the thought of going through all that again terrified me.....
    We are mothers from the time that test turns positive, be it a chemical pregnancy or a pregnancy where the baby actually develops and you lose it. You fall in love from day one and dream...and to have those dreams taken from you....
    I'm happy you have your Hannah necklace. And thank you for sharing your story (sorry my comment turned into a mini-book..)

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    1. I can't imagine going through it repeatedly. Hugs. xo

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  6. I completely understand, I am not ready to share my story yet. But please know that there are plenty of moms who understand your pain. I had several people try to comfort me and just as you said it always came out wrong, or rude. And I would just go home and cry. But after a few rough years I know that there is hope. Again. Good luck

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    1. I try to remember that they have good intentions, but it's not always enough. xoxo

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  7. My heart breaks for any woman who has to suffer from a loss like this. Tracy @ Momaical

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  8. I too miscarried. I had already experienced the joy of one perfectly healthy normal pregnancy. My son, who is my heart, was 2 1/2 when I got pregnant. I started showing almost immediately. There was an ultrasound.. We saw our baby. At 10 weeks I started spotting, then really bleeding. I went to the dr the next morning, she couldn't find a heartbeat, I could see a deflated lump on the side of my uterus. I just knew that was my baby. After a lot of crying, I made the tough decision to have the d & c. Looking back losing that baby was the best option, I was in a very bad relationship, having that baby would've meant no clean break like I was able to make 6 months after my miscarriage. At the same time, I still yearn to have known that baby, as it was a part of me too. That was my last pregnancy, after that miscarriage I developed PCOS and was never able to get pregnant again. I love the boy I have.. He's amazing and am now blessed to be in an amazing relationship and have 3 great step sons.. I also have 2 nephews and a niece that I spoil regularly. All in all the whole experience made me stronger.
    -Amber

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    1. It's amazing how much we carry these experiences with us. My love to you. xo

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  9. I echo the words of many, how heartbreaking it is for anyone to go through the loss of a child. There are many people in my life that have been impacted by this and all we can do is give hugs, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. xoxo Kelly, my heart is with you today.

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  10. I don't have a story, I just have a comment. You are such a strong woman! You have been through so much and write about it so well. I am happy to say that I know you, even if not in person! :-D Thank you for sharing this so other people who go through this won't feel so alone.

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    1. We're both lucky to know each other. xoxo

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  11. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know this doesn't take away your pain in the least, but I want to tell you how courageous you are. Thank you for sharing your life and pain.

    Stephanie D. Birch
    Writer Freaks
    www.stephaniedbirch.com
    www.writerfreaks.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you. These posts are hard to write, but they urge their way out eventually. xo

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  12. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for you loss. I think your necklace story is wonderful.

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    1. Thank you. She's a little piece of me always. xo

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  13. I had three miscarriages, two at 8 weeks, one at 12 weeks, and had to do the D&C. That was the most awful thing that has ever happened in my life. I couldn't even talk to a pregnant woman. In fact, that was one of the reasons we moved to CO from CT, because I couldn't stand being around all my friends and their babies. I had to escape. Even though Katie came along the next year, I will never forget the first, almost, babies. xoxox to you.

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  14. I shared a little yesterday when you posted your picture, but here's my full story. I had to break into two comments!
    I've always wanted to be a wife and mother, as long as I can remember. I married young, right out of high school, but we wanted to be in a better housing situation before we got pregnant. So, we worked hard and, in November 2004, I went to the doctor to have a precheck up and to make sure I could come off of birth control, since I had been on it for years. I got pregnant immediately and knew it. However, all of the pregnancy tests came back negative. I called the doctor and they encouraged me to wait until after the first trimester was over to come in. I had some lower back pain, but attributed it to kidney problems and put it out of my mind.
    On the morning of January 26, I got up and got ready for work. I had to present a training class for an hour at 9 am that morning. About halfway into that training class, I began feeling nauseous and light-headed. My face was flushed. I ended the class as quickly as I could and headed to the bathroom to cool down. As I walked across the lobby, I felt something in my lower left side "pop". It was the weirdest feeling ever. It didn't hurt. It just "popped".
    I made it into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I remember being so hot and so cold, all at the same time. When I finally stood up to leave the bathroom, the toilet seat was soaking wet from my sweat. Soaking wet.
    I made it to a couch in the lobby, where a coworker came looking for me. They helped me to my desk, where my boss found me and immediately called 911. I remember the EMTs asking me if I could be pregnant. I answered yes, but they deemed that I was suffering from kidney stones. I remember drifting in and out on the way to the hospital, hearing them say "Non-emergent transport."
    When I got to the hospital, they asked me if I could be pregnant. I answered yes again. This time, they gave me a blood test and came back with the news that it was positive. I remember feeling a lightness and joy in my heart. I did ask the nurse if the pain meant that something was wrong. Now I remember seeing the shift in his eyes. I thought nothing of it then, but, he knew.
    They brought a radiation tech in to do a vaginal ultrasound. That's when the pain really began. And, that's when I remember seeing the monitor and that something didn't look right. I'd had anatomy. I remember what the internal female anatomy is supposed to look like. There was just a haze on the left side of the screen. I was pregnant. It was ectopic. And my fallopian tube had ruptured. It probably killed my baby immediately. My baby had been alive, and then it wasn't anymore.

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  15. I had surgery right away. I remember my surgeon telling my husband (now my ex) that if I had been five minutes later arriving to the hospital, I would have died. I was already in shock. I had lost 1/4 of my blood volume and had to have a transfusion before I could leave.
    The shock didn't settle in for some time. I guess it was so traumatic and my body had to heal, that I didn't have time to think about the loss. It didn't take long before grief set in. Grief and blame. My husband blamed me for working too much, exercising too much, stressing too much. We were divorced within 7 months, after 7 years of marriage and 2 years of dating. Fast forward 7 years. I'm still divorced. I was diagnosed with breast cancer on January 9, 2012. January isn't a good month for me. Come to find out, if I had carried the baby to term, she would have provided a protective benefit for me against breast cancer.
    This year, on January 26, I'll die a little more inside, longing for a baby I'll never hold on this earth. And, this year in August, day by day, I'll wish she was here to blow out birthday candles. I'm still childless, 32, and I'm on drugs that I have to take for at least five years to prevent cancer re-occurrence. The drugs have severe birth defect risks, so no children until at least then. But, my chemo menopause was only temporary and, I've been super regular since (over share? perhaps, but we celebrate the small things around here!). I do have a wonderful boyfriend and we share a home and 4 doggies. :) Thanks for bringing your story to us!

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  16. Oh mama! I miscarried April 13 2006 at 13 1/2 weeks. Strangely, I've never written about it. It certainly is no secret, but as you so eloquently stated, it was such a dark time and for me it is difficult to bring it to the forefront. I, too, would wonder the baby sections at the retail stores. There was a girl who worked for me also was due around the same time and she bitched and moaned the whole time she was pregnant about how uncomfortable she was and I just wanted to strangle her.

    When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I knew, that this was God's way of making it up to me as we have zero history of twins in the family and had no fertility assistance. I still feel so strongly about that.

    Thank you so much for writing so beautifully about such a difficult topic. Your Hannah is so proud of you. xoxo

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  17. You sharing this story really emphasizes how generous, strong and kind you are. I think the necklace is an amazing way to honor Hannah and your loss.

    All of these stories leave me teary. I am constantly humbled by the strength, honesty and ability to find something positive in such a heart breaking experience that so many women express through their stories.

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  18. "If I sit perfectly still, he'll be fine. JUST DON'T MOVE and he'll be okay."
    I have never forgotten what that level of blind determination feels like. It's a sort of numb, helpless terror as the life you felt just moments before is slowly fading away and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it save for holding on to some irrational hope that by simply "sitting still", everything would be okay.
    You are a lovely human being and I admire you for sharing your story. I wish I had the stones to open up more about these sorts of things as it'd probably do some good, but this is all I'm able to do for now. On a last note though, his name would have been Jackson. My little Jackson Caveman :)

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  19. I empathize with you. My water broke when I was around 20 weeks pregnant with my son, Shane, and there was just no way to save him. That was in 2006, and there will always be a piece of me that is missing. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. It honestly helps to know that there are others out there that understand.

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  20. When my daughter turned 3 we decided it was time to try again. We tried for just a couple of months & got pregnant again. We found out the week before our annual summer BBQ. We were so excited. We told all of our friends & family who were there. However, it never felt right. It never felt like my first pregnancy. Then I started to feel just sick. Thats the only way I can describe it, not specific symptoms, just bad. I called my OBGYN's office & they could only get me in with the NP. She saw me & said I was fine, but they put me on medicine to "make sure I didn't miscarry". Whatever the hell that is. I felt worse on the medication & started to spot. I called the OBGYN's office again because they did ultrasounds in the office & I knew I needed one to know what was going on. They told me they were booked & coldly said I could go to the ER. With no other choice I went to the ER. In the ER they did an ultrasound & said everything looked fine. I was glad to hear it, but still didn't believe them. So I went home, still feeling sick & just off. I was talking to a friend who had worked in an OBGYN's office & she said that the way I was treated was just wrong & that I should find another Doctor. I called another OBGYN's office & they not only got me in the same day with a Doctor, but did an ultrasound in their office. When I got there they took me right in for the ultrasound. The tech looked and looked and looked. I knew why it took so long, she couldn't find a heart beat. She told me to get dressed & showed me to the Doctors office. Not an exam room like I'd expected. He came in soon after & told me there was no heart beat. Not only that, but there was no way that there had been when I'd gone to the ER. I was scheduled for a D & C a couple days later. It was awful. Between the visit & the procedure I began to cramp, badly, & bleed. It was so painful. I went ahead with the D & C & that hurt more. I'm not sure who these women are who say they were "fine" afterwards, but I wasn't. I went back to work 2 days later. I thought I'd be OK. I worked in medicine. I could talk about it like any other surgery, right? So I went back to work & was fine for half the day. Then at lunch time someone commented on how OK I was & asked about the procedure. I began to explain what they did & had a panic attack. I'd never had one before so it freaked me out even more. After I finally calmed down I went home. I had to pull over just a few miles down the road because I had another panic attack. I was finally able to drive & went to the closest ER. They gave me something to calm me down & a Doctor basically gave me the "This happens to a lot of women its no big deal" lecture. My Doctor put me on Xanax & Paxil. Long story short I had a bad reaction to the paxil & ended up back in the ER with a serious side effect. So rare that it took them hours to figure it out. My husband tried to help, ask how I was, but I was just numb. I didn't know what to say. Nobody else, not friends, family, anyone else asked how I was past the first few days. To them, it was over. To them, it was just some short thing that happened like a cold. To me, I lost a child. A child that would have been my daughters sibling. A child who we would have named, and raised, and loved. I appreciate you sharing your story so much. I appreciate knowing that I'm not the only one & that others do care. I hope you sharing this encourages more women to talk about it & ask for help. <3

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  21. Well I wrote something it didnt post guess that's a sign

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  22. Thank you for sharing your story. It was not me but my daughter who gave birth to a stillborn baby. She was 35 weeks pregnant and went for a routine check up and they could not find a heart beat. She called me in a panic telling me they were having her go straight to the hospital and could I come. I dropped everything and drove like a crazy woman to get there. She had preeclampsia and the baby had died. They were packing her bed with pillows telling me that it was to protect her when she had a seizure or a stroke! So now not only was my first grandchild dead, my daughter's life was in peril. They induced labor. She was too sick to have C section. Thirty six hours later the baby was born. I remember looking out of the hospital window at the traffic and the world still going on, when mine had just crashed and I felt so discontected to it all. Making funeral arrangements was infinately hard. Taking the baby's bed down and packing away all of his things was crushing. My life has not been the same since. I take nothing for granted. It also gave me a great awareness that just because someone looks normal on the outside does not mean that they are not breaking on the inside and to treat everyone with kindness. March 23rd, is a very hard day but I know I will see him again one day. I planted some gerber daisies the year he died and each year for the last eleven years they have been in bloom on his birthday. I like to think that he has something to do with that.

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  23. I have a truly amazing daughter. Kelly shares the stories of her life to help so many others get through traumafic experiences. I know I'll meet my oldest grandchild Hannah in heaven one day. When it's their time her parents, brothers and sisters will all meet her. Her grandfater and all her great grandparents take care of her until Kelly one day joins her. Hannah's lose was devasting for Kelly - She will long for her entire life - this I know. Losing a child thru any circumstance is indeed one of the most life altering situations a woman can go thru. Once again I am very proud that Kelly is my daughter. xxxxxoooooGrandmaJudy XO Mom

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  24. trying to work on my story. its long. 3 miscarriages between my girls. also lost my dad shortly after the 3mcs so remembering is hard.
    1st one I saw baby's heartbeat at 6 wks, then when I went back at 12 weeks it's heart had stopped beating. Had to have a d/c. Waited 3 mths then tried again. got pregnant right away but miscarried at 5wks. If I wasn't trying I probably would have just thought I was late. Was going to wait 3 mths again but condoms aren't 100% effective so no break pregnant again and again at 5 weeks I miscarry. pretty certain it's not a fluke but Dr disagrees cause I had a baby and I’m young. does some test and discovers I have scarring from the d/c and a fibroid but doesn't think they should be causing repeat miscarriages. With the research I do I suspect low progesterone. Dr disagrees cause I'm too young. I find other Dr who does a simple blood test and verify yes I do have luteral phase defect. my progesterone levels drop before placenta starting kicking in with its own to maintain the pregnancy. We talk about doing clomid and such to get hormone on track but ultimately I decide just to pray and try again. Get pregnant with my daughter and progesterone levels are miraculously good. she stays put, at 20 wks I went into preterm labor but Drs are able to stop it. I take it easy and she stays put til 39 wks although not without lots of "prelaboring" I'm content with my 2 girls and after losing 3 baby's too afraid to try for more so we decide when she's 1 hubby will get snipped. but I didn't bother with birth control cause I couldn't get pregnant while nursing my first child. One week after hubbys surgery I find out I’m pregnant. This time hormones don't cooperate they put me on progesterone supplement. He's small and has a low heartbeat but he sticks. Also tries to make an early appearance at 30 wks and after 2 trips to stop labor they put me on meds to make him stay put. He end up arriving 1 week early. So I end up with a total of 6 kids. 3 with me, 3 not. I remember things like mother’s day and mops being awkward cause I didn't know how to answer when people asked how many kids I had. I remember people saying you’re young and can try again or you already have one baby. I even had a counselor say maybe something was wrong with the baby you lost. and of course cause we believed nothing would go wrong we told everyone. there had been a family reunion that summer and since I already had an ultrasound and saw a heartbeat we told everyone. I didn't get around to telling everyone about the loss so had a few awkward moments where people wondered how I stayed so thin while expecting. I wish the was so standard thing we did like an announcement. For births you do announcements and showers. For the deaths of those who spent some time living with us we have obituaries and funerals. But little for a pregnancy loss. These stories usually only come out when helping other thru a similar experience. It’s hard.

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  25. September 2011, we found we were pregnant, with our second. As with our first, we didn't want to find out the gender until it's debut, but this time I knew I was carrying a boy.
    At my 10week appt, we heard the heartbeat. That night, my husband was in a rollover truck/trailer accident that he shouldn't have been able to walk away from. That day, I named my son Willie, after my grandpa, as did my husband without ever discussing it. Over the course of the next 5 weeks, everyone knew were were pregnant. And this pregnancy was definetly different. I kept getting verdigo, fainting spells... everything checked out at the doctors, but said I should take in more salt and caffeine. (crazy, huh?) Just days before Christmas, we were scheduled for a standard ultrasound. No hearbeat. Guesstimates was very shortly after we heard the heartbeat. (I got to keep husband, but loose my son.)
    A month later, we were already pregnant, with twins. After my water breaking at only 19weeks, prayers were answered and I delivered beautiful, healthy b/g twins at 39weeks.

    To heal, my husband and I turned our loss into a possitive, three-fold. Found out I have a thyroid condition; donated an entire nursery to a family in need, and are now sounding boards for our friends and family that have since had their own miscarriages.
    Course, many of them are nervous to get pregnant right away because they may wind up with twins, too.

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  26. I just adore you Kelly. You are quite possibly the strongest woman I know. A real life super woman. And I am so very sorry the cosmos has tested your strength as much as it has.

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  27. At the end of November 2008, my now husband and I found out we were pregnant with our second child. Our first pregnancy wasn't expected, but wasn't really "prevented" either. This one was somewhat planned, and we were pleased to find out we would be welcoming another child. I remember considering this pregnancy to be an early Christmas present. Everything was going smoothly, but on the morning of March 6, 2009, I began having what felt like labor pains. I was induced with my first child, so I didn't really know what spontaneous contractions felt like. Being concerned with what might be going on, we made our way down to the ER. After sitting there in the waiting room for a few hours they took my back and began doing all the normal diagnostics. They did the blood, urine, and even an ultrasound to make sure the baby was alright. The doctor eventually came to the conclusion that I had a urinary tract infection. He prescribed some antibiotics and sent us on our way. We finally left the hospital at 6 in the evening. On our way home, I began to feel nauseous, so we stopped to pick up something to eat since we'd been stuck in the hospital all day. Once we arrived home, I began to feel even worse, with really bad cramps. I applied a heating pad, switched positions, nothing helped. It felt like pressure, like maybe I needed to make a bowel movement, so I attempted to use the bathroom. What happened from there, I will never, EVER forget. While on the toilet, I went to wipe and was shocked to see my hand covered with a mucous bloody plug. Every wipe from there got more and more bloody. All I remember is crying out for my husband and the scared look on his face. The whole bathroom floor and toilet was covered in blood. He scooped my up, got me dressed and in the car and rushed back down to the ER. Along the way, I felt a sudden pop and gush, again I was induced and had my water broken with my first child, but I knew what this was. When we arrived to the hospital, my husband rushed to grab a wheelchair, and wheeled me into the waiting room. The nurses argued that I needed to be admitted and fill out the papers to do so, at which point my husband began screaming that we were just here a few hours ago. While I sat, doubled over in pain, I felt a sudden urge to push. I tried my best not to, but it was useless. At 10:09, on March 9, 2009, I gave birth to our second son, in a wheelchair in the middle of the waiting room. My husband began pounding on the door yelling for someone to come out. Finally a doctor came out with a rather irritated look on his face, at which point I pulled the front of my pants down to reveal the pool of blood that filled all the way up to my belly button. Needless to say the doctors started to take things seriously there on out. They wheeled me to the back, and I knew it was too late. The proceeded to take my pants off, and out fell my baby. The sight and whole process was horrific. They ended up revealing that it was a boy. I was just there. How could they not see anything? I just saw my little boy a few hours ago on the ultrasound! I try every day to think that there must have been a reason. The doctor even said himself that I was passed the stages where you should be concerned of a miscarriage. I was 4 months along. He would have been due in August 2009. On August 6, 2009, we found out we were pregnant again. I was instructed by the doctor to have a cervical cerclage placed on my cervix to prevent another miscarriage. I did, and was blessed with a healthy baby boy on April 27, 2010, two days before my birthday. I am here to tell you that there is hope. I will never forget the son I lost, and I look forward to the day our whole family is reunited. Love and prayers to all the fellow mothers with angel babies! <3

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    1. Sorry for the mixup in dates, March 9, 2009.

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  28. The sadness of your experience is only exceeded by your gift in sharing it. I am so sorry you had to go through this. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I imagined a whole life for the person growing within - sporting events, friends, a future wedding. You honor your Hannah well, as you do all mothers who have suffered through miscarriage.

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  29. I am so sorry for your loss! Many friend of mine have experienced the loss of a child but I have not. I won't pretend to know what that was like for you but I do know the ache of not holding your baby while other mom's are holding theirs and I do know the pain of feeling like your family is incomplete because your body doesn't want to work right. Its hard. I'm thankful you mustered the strength and words to share your heart and your precious Hannah in the hopes you could comfort someone else! I think the necklace is a beautiful display of her life and how she touched yours!

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  30. Oh girl, I hadn't read your story yet. I am so sorry for your loss. With the whole background and the pressure and the fear that this might be your only shot... I can only imagine the level of grief. Hannah is a beautiful name. Hugs.

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  31. I am so sorry for your loss. Rune, Rumi, Nova, and Soleil. I miss them, but I feel that they are everywhere I am and everywhere I go. There is actual scientific proof that some cells belonging to every child you carry, stay with you in your body. They never leave, no matter how long you were pregnant for. This comforts me greatly.

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  32. I found others who understand why it hurts <3 this just put me in a new place 5 miscarriages one 25 weeker who is doing great and is three years old now, a a two year old boy later ... from the very first one you never ever stop thinking about that little life that was supposed to call you mom

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  33. I miscarried my second pregnancy at 14 weeks and had to endure a D/C. My two best friends at the time were also expected within a few months of my projected due date. It was a heart-wrenching year for me.
    Interestingly, I also went into a jewelry store on a whim and purchased a ring in my baby's birthstone. I wear it on February 5th every year.

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  34. Thank you to all of you ladies that shared your stories. Each one has touched me deeply. You are brave and courageous far more than words can describe.

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  35. First pregnancy, a miracle bc I'd had breast cancer in my late 20s, miscarried on Christmas Day at about 11 weeks. Opted on I guess the 22nd when I woke with bleeding and went into the doc to try to let it happen naturally, and it did. For months, maybe still, every time I had my period I'd think, well, that's a baby right there down the toilet this month. And then I got pregnant again, and somehow it felt different, better, and people would ask if I was worried in those early weeks, and I'd say no, somehow I knew. I don't think I did, I think I wished so hard I believed, but now I see clearly that the world couldn't "not" have my son, so somehow it went as it should have. I love your writing, and this post really hit home for me.

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  36. I found out I was pregnant when I went to the doctor to change my birth control. It was a total surprise. I wanted another baby so bad, but my husband and I wanted to wait for him to return from a 12 month deployment to Iraq. We were so happy. We drove from Kentucky to California to visit family. I was 18 weeks along. The day after we got there I woke up bleeding very heavy, I was so scared. The emergency room doctor said that everything was fine the babies heart beat was very strong they did an ultrasound and said they couldn't explain the bleeding. We drove back home a few days later and I started bleeding again. I went to the labor and delivery dept at the Army hospital on post. The doctor did a vaginal ultrasound and found an empty amniotic sac next to the one that was filled with a perfectly healthy baby. They determined I was carrying twins and had miscarried one. I had no idea that two babies were growing inside of me. My daughter is 7 and I still wonder what it would have been like to have two of her running around.

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  37. I want to share but I can't today...too much on my plate to open about it. But we lost a little one at 12 weeks after having two children. It was a roller coaster of you're not , you are , you're not , baby died. I'm sure it was a boy and I named him Brian.....

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  38. Beautiful and heartbreaking and it made me cry. Knowing the large number of miscarriages that happens helps us to grieve together, but doesn't really take away the pain, does it? Here's my story. It's from this week :(

    http://amorninggrouch.com/2013/08/16/rocking-her/

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  39. Thank you sweet friend. Hugs and love to you.

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  40. I miscarried on March 31, 2013. Today, almost ten months later I am 4w3d pregnant. I am scared. Holding back tears all day long. And not just because of my usual debilitating anxiety.

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  41. I'm so sorry. I was in tears reading this. I love how you remember her with the pendant. I have 3 healthy children, but I lost my 4th. We weren't trying. But I was late and leaking milk, and the leaking milk thing happened with my second and third, so I knew. I lost our baby very early, before I had even gone to the doctor, but it hurt in my heart so badly...because once you know, that baby becomes real to you.

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