It's that time of year, my friends. Time for the office holiday parties. For the dinners and the happy hours and the tiny gatherings and the gigantic extravaganzas. These are some of my observations over the last 17 years of holiday partying.
It's the time to see what people wear when they don't have to appear professional. This means that at least one person who shouldn't be shopping at Forever 21 anymore decided it was a good idea.
It's the time when all horrible Santa ties will be dusted off for their annual appearance.
It's the time to get all the subtle digs in at the people who get drunk enough that they won't remember.
It's the time when you test the waters and ask the guy you've got a crush on if his wife is his sister. For the record, this one really happened many, many years ago.
It's the time when the office lush ends up barfing in the bathroom. Twice.
It's the time when people laugh nervously and make awkward small talk until the liquor kicks in.
It's the time when karaoke is really not a good idea. No. Just don't.
It's the time when it becomes painfully obvious who the easy one in the office is.
It's the time when someone can really ruin your night just by making a seating chart.
It's the time when people actually want a 6 foot tall gaudy centerpiece and will fight each other to the death for it.
It's the time when you have to stifle your laughter while people are dancing. Especially the upper management.
It's the time when the white elephant gift exchange will make someone pee their pants. Literally.
It's also the time when you should get rid of that Snuggie, Chia Pet, sex game or pair of Booty Pop panties that you were the recipient of at the last white elephant exchange.
It's the time when you really shouldn't try out politically incorrect jokes.
It's the time when you accidentally text the wrong person something really inappropriate.
It's the time when several people take off their shoes after a few hours. Then there's the one that takes off her pantyhose. You know this happens.
It's the time when some drunk woman yells at another one in the bathroom. True story, this happened last year. I stayed in the stall trying not to laugh while it went down.
It's the time when someone drinks their dinner and won't stop talking about how awesome they are.
It's the time when one guy tells you the same story seven times. In a row. Smile and nod.
It's the time when the party really starts after _________ leaves. You fill in the blank.
It's the time when you should remember not to make too much of an ass of yourself, or you'll be doing the walk of shame Monday morning.
It's the time when you should be aware that bloggers are everywhere, and we remember stuff. Then we write about it. ;)
Some of My Most Popular Posts
Philip Seymour Hoffman died yesterday. He was found with a needle still wedged into his arm, heroin believed to be the culprit. When I h...
It's Tuesday, and I should be writing the Things That Piss Me Off post for this week and last, but the truth is that I'm weary. I ju...
I promised myself last week that I would write something this week and that I would try my best to not make it election heavy, so we'll ...
I haven't written anything in so long that I was starting to wonder if my fingers would remember how to actually type on a keyboard. I...
Brace yourselves, readers. I'm about to write something that will probably be mushy and sweet. It won't last long. Regular Kelly wil...
FOR THE LOVE PEOPLE. I haven't written one of these in a while, so brace yourselves. It's Not About The Emails... I was a Be...
I have anxiety issues. I've had them for as long as I can remember. From the time I was a wee babe, I worried about everything. All th...
I briefly thought I was maybe, possibly, probably, most definitely going to die yesterday. Twice. Fine. I'm being a bit dramatic, bu...
I'm officially giving up on this writing challenge. I made a mediocre effort. Pats self, half-heartedly, on back. Pat. Pat. Pat. The...
I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now, and every time I've sat down to write it, I've stopped myself. I t...