Monday, December 3, 2012

My name is Kelly...

...and it's been three days since my last post.

In fact, and I'm not even kidding, I didn't even turn on the computer for a 24 hour span over the weekend.

I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!?!

The world did not end.  Which is shocking.

You guys missed a lot, so I'm going to have to give you the quick and dirty version.

1) We bought a tree.  A real one.  It's big and beautiful and magnificent.  It's also too big and beautiful and magnificent for the spot it's in, and I need to rearrange the entire living room to move it.  I'm also allergic to it, and have been sneezing approximately every 5 minutes since it arrived.  Achoo.  F-ing Christmas.

2) That tree I just talked about....we have it.  And it's the in the house.  But it's not decorated.  The lights are not even on it.  We haven't had time.  Honest.  WHAT???  We have a tree....isn't that good enough???  It's in the building.  That should count for something.

3) I have to put the lights on the tree.  Because that is the law.  I'm the light installer.  I'm way too OCD to let someone else attempt it.  Just get me the stool and stay out of my damn way.

4) I ordered Christmas cards.  Alert the media.  I swore them off last year.  And yet here we are, with a pending order of ridiculous adorableness.  Actually, the cards were my husband's idea this year...he even started planning out the pictures 6 months ago.  I wish I was kidding.  If you want a preview, scroll all the way down to the bottom of the blog.  I'm a sucker for a free code from Shutterfly, and if I posted it here, I get one.  So, go peek after you read this.

5) We went to the art museum Saturday with all the kids. Which mostly meant that I said don't touch anything a million times and my daughters giggled at naked man statues.   That, and we saw a lady wearing a sweater dress three sizes too small, with a low slung belt that hung below her ample pooch.  AND she was wearing shooties.  You know, boots that think they are shoes.  My husband glanced over at me with the you're seeing what I'm seeing, right??? look.  Her poor children.

6) I went to church.  No one died or got married.  Just regular church.  The building didn't fall down.  Nothing burst into flames and no one got struck by lightning.

7) We went to an adult-only party Saturday night.  Soon after we arrived, the women folk polished off the Godiva liqueur and we sent the men to the liquor store.  True story....three guys walk into a liquor store and ask for Godiva liqueur.

8) Someone may or may not have spent the last half of the night crawling.  That's how you know the party was a wild success, by the way.  It wasn't me, though I did launch a perfectly good martini glass off the railing.  Stay classy, my friends.

9) Dirty Girl Scout martinis are really freaking delicious.  They are also fluorescent green and come out the same color they went in.  Incidentally, if I had to pick one great thing about being hungover, it's that I allow myself to drink all the Coke in the world it takes to settle my stomach.  I refuse to touch the stuff unless I need it.  I needed it yesterday.  Coke......swear to f-ing god, they still put crack in that stuff.

10) There was a white elephant exchange.  We took the good gift, you know the one that was stolen repeatedly.  The one that I actually bought thinking it was a birthday gift for the hostess, but I have a patent inability to read invitations and follow directions.  Consequently, I bought a good gift that was fought over.
The box of liqueur filled chocolates.  COME ON....who doesn't want that???  I brought the good stuff (mostly on accident).....and all I got was a used sex toy.  

6 comments:

  1. They really used to put coke in Coke, you know. I wouldn't be surprised if they put something else in there. I know what you're talking about, Coke is my go to drink when my stomach is upset too.

    My husband thinks all kinds of correspondence through the mail is stupid. He makes fun of me every year when I do Christmas cards! He had a cow with each kid when I wanted to do birth announcements. Men are weird! He can say what he wants, I'm making my Christmas cards and he can kiss my butt.

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  2. Ugggh freaking Coke. I'm totally the same way, won't touch it unless I'm hungover. Which lately seems to be a lot! Lol. I downed two bottles of it this wknd following a friend's Dirty Thirty...(if there was an emoticon that could smile AND frown, I would insert it here)

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  3. I seriously hope you didn't keep the used sex toy...either way, this totally reaffirms my thought we do in fact need to meet. Except, I might end up crawling...

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  4. That party sounded like a blast. I can't keep coke in the house because I will drink it all and then drive to the store for more. It really is like crack. Good thing you went to church to cleanse your soul from all of that sinning...:)

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  5. I want to hang out with you next weekend. Really.

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  6. I want liquor filled chocolates. And to spend half my night crawling on the floor :)

    Our tree is up without decorations, too. Plain as day. You are not alone.

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