Wednesday, December 26, 2012

It's my fault

Overwhelmed.  Overstimulated.  Overtired.

All of those overs and more, combined into the body of one tiny being, bursting at the seams for the last two days.  

When she can take it no more, she screams.  She cries.  She rages.  She balls her little fists up beside her and explodes.  

For now, she sleeps.  I will not wake her.  In her dreams, she is peaceful and all is right with the world.  Her waking hours are exhausting for us all right now.  

I will not wake her.  

They point fingers at me.  

All of them.

Say I made her this way.  She is my child.  So much like her mother.  

Why is it that when the absolute worst part of a child's personality shines through, everyone feels so compelled to blame someone else?

I stood in the kitchen and cried yesterday, Christmas afternoon.  

She was raging again, and it was my fault.  Because it is always my fault.  As if I didn't feel that enough already in my heart, there are those who must insist that it is.  Always.

She's never sure what she wants.  It's never enough when it's given to her.  There is always something missing.  

And it's my fault.

She swings grand on the pendulum of human emotion.  She switches on and off.  She seems almost incapable of true happiness.  

Why can't she just be happy?

I wish I knew.  

As I stood crying in the kitchen, my heart was breaking for both her and for me.  All that she is and all that she expresses to this world is so much like me.  I can't deny it.  

I've learned through my lifetime to control the rage.  To temper my anger.  To walk away.  To find the happiness.  To stuff the bad away.  To run and let it out.

When the fingers point at me, that's when I want to rage. I want to scream.  

I am NOT LIKE THAT, I want to say.  

God knows that if I was, if I didn't work so hard to control it, I would be.  

And things would be so different.  

I have more reason that most people to rage.  There are deserving targets of my anger.  There are people who've deliberately chosen to hurt me in unimaginable ways.  There are people who act only through selfishness, through hubris, through narcissism and hurt me.  Some who don't even have the capacity to realize the pain they inflict.  Over and over.  

The finger pointers.  

I could in turn point my finger at them.  Point out their flaws and their faults.  Tell them abundantly how they've failed. 

I don't.  

I won't.

The rage stays inside.  I talk it away from the ledge.  I breathe.  I find my center.  I let it go as much as I can.

She can't. 

She hasn't learned.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

13 comments:

  1. It's hard facing our own least-liked traits in our children. While others, and even you, may say it's your "fault", it's simply genetics, and you are the one most likely to be able to help her guide her way through this life, because you've been there and you know how she is feeling. You will be the one to give her the tools she needs to succeed in life. When she is a successful adult, having learned to control her emotions, would you still feel bad if someone pointed at you at said, "It's your fault?" <3

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  2. God I get this. Big hugs, one day, they'll learn what we've learned and things will get better. One day. ♡

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  3. This was heartbreaking, so hard to read. We take so much blame upon ourselves are mothers. When our kids are good, we are less likely to take credit for that. I'm sorry you're struggling, I hope in time you will look back on this time and wonder how you ever got through it. I know I do with Logan. I often think of myself when he was young and wish I could tell that mom what I know now. Keep keeping on, love will guide her through.

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  4. Those finger pointers don't get what they're saying. They may think they're pointing in blame, but they're actually complimenting. In my estimation if she's just like you she's intelligent, sensitive, giving, introspective, ever-growing and deliberate. The one thing you are that she's not is the cause of the finger pointing; mature enough to handle her emotions. With you as her Mom, that too will come and everyone will point with admiration and say "she's just like her Mom".

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  5. Oh boy, my kids have those days too. It makes me appreciate the days that aren't like that. Have you ever seen "Father of the Bride" (the Steve Martin version)? It puts things in perspective a bit. I had to look it up, and paraphrase a bit:

    "You know (she's) a very passionate person. And passionate people tend to overreact. She comes from a long line of major overreactors. Me. I can definitely lose it. My mother. A nut. My grandfather. Stories about him were legendary. The good news, however, is that this overreacting... tends to get proportionately less by generation. So, your kids could be normal... But on the upside, with this passion... comes great spirit and individuality... which is probably one of the reasons you love (her)." "That is what I love most about her."

    Hang in there...And I agree with Karen...

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  6. This frustration, sadness, anger and guilt that you are feeling is something that we all feel as moms. I never understood why my mom would always say, "Oh well, it's all my fault isn't it?" Well , now I know. It feels like we're always getting blamed for everything.

    I feel really angry and frustrated when I see my worst traits in my sons. I don't want them to have them, but there they are.

    Beautifully said though. I bet it helped a little to write about it. :)

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  7. My daughter is this way too, she throws fits for no apparent reason, cries over everything, forgets what we tell her 30 seconds after we tell her & we don't know why or how to help her. Fortunaty she is old enough now that she only does it at home w us, but I'm not always sure that's better. Now we get more fits, worse fits, screaming crying throwing fits & we know its not for lack of is trying. Trying to help, figure it out, undertand..... I guess I can just say I so totally understand.

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    Replies
    1. Could it be a sensory issue, Anonymous? How old is she?

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  8. Wait til they're teenagers, it gets worse. Hang in there. Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever love.

    Virtual hug

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  9. My daughter has fits and rages too. ESPECIALLY when she is overwhelmed and tired. One day after a trip to Albuquerque, followed by house guests for two days, she woke up from her nap and just started screaming. Like horror movie screaming. She just needed a break. I think it's just the young introvert who has no control over when she can create some space for herself. kids are not allowed to do this usually. They follow the schedules of adults. So, I don't think it is your fault at all. Kids aren't "bad" or "spoiled" they just need a break. Like adults do. Anyone pointing fingers or saying it's your fault are really just saying that kids are interfering with THEIR schedules. They forget that the young people in our lives are actually people with limits and feelings too.

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  10. Powerful post, Kelly!
    Sometimes mood swings like this can be diet related or it could be a sensory issue or a hormonal issue. So many times if you ask a doctor they just want to mask the symptoms and not look at the true underlying issue.

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  11. It's funny I came across your blog today after I wrote about my son's rage and a difficult decision I had to make. I'm sorry you're both going through this, but even though I hate it for you, it makes me feel so not alone. thank you for sharing....Diva

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  12. So well written. I could completely feel your pain and frustration. I loved the image of her balling up those fists and screaming. I have been seeing that a lot lately too! Xoxo

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