Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Here's Your Sign

My name is Kelly, and I procrastinate.

It's one of my worst character flaws, and it seems to cycle.  Sometimes I am organized and on top of things, and other times I will literally put off going to the bathroom it is so bad.

I generally don't get up until I absolutely have to, don't shower unless I'm under the gun to get somewhere in time, wait until the last minute to do all the guest posts I agree to.

So it only makes sense that I waited until yesterday to ship the boxes I needed to ship to friends and family out of state for Christmas.  7 days.

Not only that, but it was the last day of school, so I had no time to get there before I picked all the kids up.  AND it was supposed to start snowing last night, which just means that all the other procrastinators in the world also found their motivation to ship their last minute packages.

After dragging my kids through Kohl's I found myself yelling the following three things to the four year old boy in the backseat as we pulled into the USPS parking lot.

1) No, your sister does not have a penis.
2) Even if she did, you wouldn't be kicking her in it.
3) You can't say asshole.

That should have been my sign.  Abort, abort, abort.

But no.  The downside to procrastination is that when you are out of time to get it done, you are truly out of time.

We grabbed all the packages and headed inside.  I could see the mass of humanity in the building already, but pressed on, knowing that I had no other good options.

I figured there would be a long line for the counter service, a short line for the automated postal machine (like there always is), and we'd be in and out within a few minutes and my sanity would remain intact.

I warned the lady who got in line behind me that she might want to reconsider.  I have this way of cursing lines.  I should come with a warning.

We waited.  And waited.  And waited.

By the time it was my turn for the machine, I might as well have waited in the regular line.  It took that long.

For your convenience, I'd like to make a list of rules about the post office this time of year.  I encourage all postal employees to print this and hang it above the automated postal machine.

1) If you can't work an ATM, don't try to use the machine.

2) If you can't figure out a touchscreen computer, please don't try to use the machine.

3) If you can't read things 18 inches from your face and didn't bring glasses that would make that possible, you can't even see the machine, so don't try to use the machine.

4) If you need to ask for help four times, you're pissing people off.  Don't try to use the machine.

5) If you have never shipped anything in your life, don't try to use the machine.  In fact, don't try to ship anything.  Leave.  Now.

6) If you don't understand how to insert and remove a credit card, don't try to use the machine.  How the hell do you function?

7) If you can't handle crowds and freak out when it's your turn, don't try to use the machine unless you like people sighing audibly and stifling laughter behind you.

8) If you have performance anxiety and forgot to take your meds, don't try to use the machine, especially a week before Christmas when all the procrastinators are there.

9) If you can't figure out which line you are supposed to be in, you clearly aren't advanced enough to use the machine.  DON'T FUCKING TRY TO USE THE MACHINE.

10) If you are a weird recluse and hate people, don't get in a line with kids.  They fidget and flail and giggle and laugh, regardless of their mother's attempts to contain them.   They're gonna touch you at some point, most likely.  And they're tired of waiting for you.  Hurry up. Oh, but you can't figure out the machine.  Awesome.

When it was my turn, I weighed all my boxes, printed labels, paid for my postage and vacated the machine in less than 90 seconds.

Shit you not, people behind me were clapping.

I took a bow, curtsied for my adoring new fans.  Said this as we walked out the door.

THAT is how you use the machine.

Boom goes the dynamite.


  1. Boo-yah! Hell yah, girl! Clapping for you. I think we become extraordinarily talented as moms. We have to. I was shopping at Target last night after school with my four boys and I had several people remark about how calm and organized I was. It's a sanity saving measure.

  2. Love it! You know all those people behind you were all "Oh greeeeat. A bitch with a bunch of kids in tow. How long is THIS shit going to take?!"

    You show em sister. Boom goes the dynamite indeed!

  3. BOOM!!! You stole my word, but I forgive you, because that was an awesome post! That dose of laughter is well received and appreciated :-)

  4. Perhaps you should teach a workshop on it? Love you and your blog! You rock!

  5. People that can't use the machine shouldn't leave their house... They should also adopt lots of cats.



  6. This is what I have said the post office needs to do: at the door, tell you an approximate time frame and hand out those light flashing vibrating things that restaurants hand out when you're waiting for a table. Then you can do other things in the area or let your kids run around outside or whatever. When the person ahead of you goes, your thingy flashes and you come in and get in line. Am I a genius or what?

  7. LOVE this!!!! you go girl!! Even though I have never had to use "the machine" yet...our tiny PO has 1 lady and 1 counter and I am usually the only customer in there at the time:)

  8. All are sunshine in my pants. This one is the winner with me :D

  9. I am so much in love with you right now. All of these things.

    There should be rules for EVERYWHERE for stupid people and special allowances for procrastinators, because as you've proved, we might put shit off to the last minute, but we know how to do it right, and do it fast.


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