Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Don't Mess With Sasquatch

I've alluded to this story a few times in the past few days, but I just knew from the beginning that it warranted it's own blog post.

I was just lamenting the fact that I don't have a picture to show you the things that I saw.  Then, I took a moment and I paused and I decided that fate wanted it this way.  I didn't want to relive this moment, and I am here to entertain you, not make you want to bleach your eyeballs.

Plus, once you see something like this, you can't un-see it.

My daughter was invited to a birthday party last weekend.  A birthday party at the rec center, with the gigantic indoor pool.

Public pools in general gross me out, but this one is the granddaddy of them all.  Most of the time, because of the small child, I have no choice but to hang out in the kiddie pool.  Also known as the pee pool.  Which is gross just on the merits.  This one is usually filled to capacity, overflowing with unshowered humanity.

On this day, though, it was relatively empty.

I hung out in the corner of the pool with the birthday boy's mom and her boyfriend (outing them in public, I am), as well as her ex who was trying way too hard to be buddies with me.  Dude, she got me in the divorce, okay?

Anyway, we were chatting about how awesome the smell of chlorine is and I glanced around the room to make sure I knew where my other kids were.

And that's when it happened.

In slow motion, I turned to the friend's boyfriend and mouthed the words OHMYFUCKINGGOD did you just see that????

I mouth words in all caps, like a silent cursing ninja.

His jaw, hanging low.  No longer attached to his face.  Eyes staring at what I'd seen, like a bad car accident.

LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY

Then he asked the most logical question to which I have no answer.

Is that what happens???

I had no answer.  No words really.  I was still trying to absorb it.


On the other side of the pool, the hairiest man I'd ever seen.  Shit you not, this guy put Robin Williams to shame.

Not only was he ridiculously hairy, he was old.  AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

Are you ready for this?  I sure as hell wasn't.

His hair had started to turn gray.  You know, the chest, back, shoulder, neck, arm hair sweater.  Started to gray.  But this was no Just for Men salt and pepper action.  Noooooooooo.

It started from the top and was working it's way down.  There was a line, about mid-abdomen.  Above it, the sweater was gray.  Below it, the sweater was dark brown, almost black.

Is this how it happens????

Why????

Why is there a line????

A few minutes later, the filter started to make a terrible noise. Then, being the jerk that I am, I suggested that maybe it was overloaded.

And that's when we got out of the pool.

As a postscript to this, I must tell you all that I love hairy men and bald men.  I even love a few women with hairy chests.  (sorry if you just snorted something up your nose)  We welcome all degrees of hairiness here.  I wrote this because of the sheer magnificence of the moment.  And also because I have no idea if this is what happens.  Please, someone, enlighten me.  

4 comments:

  1. Ok,up until you said he was old and it wasn't salt& pepper gray...I seriously wondered if it was someone I knew. HAHAHAHA

    ReplyDelete
  2. I still think I might need to bleach my eyeballs....

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Above it, the sweater was gray. Below it, the sweater was dark brown, almost black."

    I laughed. So hard.

    ReplyDelete

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