It's that time of year.
My annual Christmas list.
I've done this for a few years now. If you care to read my lists from years before, click on the links below.
I make these lists for a few reasons. One, because there are a handful of people in this world who still care what I want. Two, because I have unreasonable and irrational desires. Three, because I'm five.
My kids are to the point now where they generate long and elaborate lists, complete with drawings and diagrams and specifications about which version of whatever electronic thing it is that they are asking for. Kids only get more expensive.
At least kids are still kids and obsess about material things. They don't ask for the impossible things I want, like time travel.
Here's what I want, in no particular order.
1. A time machine. I get the whole altering-the-outcome-of-everything Back the Future effect, but some of the things I would change would still be worth it. I'd especially like to give out a few taco kicks.
2. I want my car to be clean. Even under the seats and in the cracks. It's like a bad science experiment in there.
3. I need new clothes. I've lost enough weight that most of my pants are falling down. In the event that you're ever walking behind me when my hands are full and I moon you accidentally, my apologies. I could just buy belts, I suppose, but I'd rather get new jeans.
4. I need new boots. I've had the same two pairs of boots since college. Oh, the stories those boots could tell you...if and when they ever get replaced, I'm not sure I can bear to part with them.
5. I want a puppy. Sort of. I don't particularly want to pay for, train or clean up after a puppy. I want a puppy again, then I watch Marley and Me and I swear I'm never getting another dog for the rest of my life.
6. Kids that listen the first time. I'd be a lot less crazy if this happened.
7. The ability to clone myself.
8. An unlimited Starbucks card. Enough said.
9. Nail polish and eyeliner and lip gloss that my daughters don't steal.
10. I want to go to a real NYE party, full of drunkenness and glitter.
11. I want a vacation, without my kids. I love them and all, but I want to go sit by a pool with a drink that has an umbrella in it and not have to worry about people drowning.
12. I want a teleporter. I wish it didn't take 16 hours to reach the beach from here. I should just be able to press a button.
13. I want my hair to stay this color without having to dye it every month.
14. I want to notice my eyebrows are out of control at any other time than when I am in the car. I can forget to pluck them for weeks on end when I'm near tweezers and mirrors, but get me in a car going somewhere important and I suddenly realize there is a caterpillar growing on my forehead. Maybe I'll just leave some tweezers in the car. That's not weird, right?
15. I want to know how to knit. I'm trying to learn, and this skill set is clearly above my pay grade. I'm going to keep at it because of who and what it's for, but goddammit I suck.
16. A pedicure more than once a year. Strike that, more often than once every two years.
17. I love to cook, but hate to clean. So, a dish washing robot would be great.
18. I'd prefer that my cat doesn't bringing mice in the house anymore.
19. World peace, the end of hunger, cure for cancer, truth, justice and fairness. All that stuff.
20. Something huge that will probably never happen, but I keep holding out hope. It would just confirm the fact that I am indeed crazy, but I'm okay with that. There's always room for more crazy around here. ;)
Some of My Most Popular Posts
Philip Seymour Hoffman died yesterday. He was found with a needle still wedged into his arm, heroin believed to be the culprit. When I h...
I briefly thought I was maybe, possibly, probably, most definitely going to die yesterday. Twice. Fine. I'm being a bit dramatic, bu...
I haven't written this yet, but it's not officially your birthday yet, right? You weren't born until the afternoon, so technical...
I warned a friend months ago that I felt like 2017 would be the year I start biting people. Months ago. I haven't actually bitten an...
The internet is quite literally full of articles about the right way and the wrong way to be a feminist right now, especially after this wee...
The following is a post I wrote on Saturday morning. I was sitting in a college classroom on the other side of the state, there for Science...
I was standing in the hallway tonight, urging my toddler to fall asleep in his bed, awaiting his recurrent footsteps towards doorway when so...
This is my eighth annual Christmas list. Which is crazy. There's simply no way I have been doing this for that long. If you're so in...
My one year old has recently developed fairly severe eczema, maybe even worse than his older sister had at his age. This is the worst part o...
FOR THE LOVE PEOPLE. I haven't written one of these in a while, so brace yourselves. It's Not About The Emails... I was a Be...