Monday, November 26, 2012

I can't be trusted with an Elf

I'm sure you've all seen it already.  It's already starting.  It won't stop for a month.

The posts.

The pictures.


The naming of the newest Elves.

The cute little stories.

The mischief of the Elf who "forgot" to move overnight.

Because the Elf is the one that does all this shit.  Right...

I'm sure it's a cute story and all, and I can honestly say that I've never read it.  I have no desire to read this book, and I have even less desire to own an Elf.  Or manage an Elf, since they are supposed to be "real" and all, I guess you don't "own" them.  Whatever.

It's not just a book with a doll anymore, it's a sensation sweeping the country.  There is a movie now too.  WHAT???  You don't have an Elf?  However do you get your children to behave all December???

Um, with veiled threats, like normal people.

We've taught our kids to believe in Santa, we play along with all the normal expectations.  We do the lap sitting and the picture taking and the letter writing.  We leave out the milk and cookies.  We even leave carrots for the reindeer that we have to buy special from the store with the tops still on them.

I'll be the first to admit that I've threatened to place a call to the North Pole on occasion at this time of the year when the kids were being particularly naughty.  I've threatened the kids with rocks, coal and jars of pickles.  (my youngest really hates pickles)

I play the hell out of the Santa card.

What I won't do, can't do, refuse to do, is to have my life dictated by a scary little doll.

You've seen the Elf, right?  He's a creepy little dude.

You are supposed to move the scary big eyed bastard every night so the kids think he's actually watching them. If that's not enough to give them nightmares, I don't know what is.  My kids have always been a little bit weirded out by the fact that Santa gets into the house in the first place.  The idea of having a tiny stalker wouldn't sit well, I assure you.

Imagine if the Elf watched us.  Shudder.


Even if I wanted an Elf, I'd suck at having one.  I'd forget to move the Elf.  I know that I don't have the self-discipline to remember that.  The kids go to bed, and my job as Mom is done for the day.

I'd be a terrible Elf keeper, and end up throwing him across rooms while distracting the kids half the damn time.

Oh yes, kids, the Elf really did mean to end up in the sink or lodged into the tree upside down.  That's where he watches you from.  Duh.

My kids are terrible at remembering stuff this time of year anyway.  I buy them the stupid chocolate advent calendars, and half the mornings they forget.  MY KIDS FORGET TO EAT CHOCOLATE, people.  This is not normal.  Clearly, they are mine.

We cannot be trusted with an Elf.

Which is fine.  I don't want one anyway.

I don't want to make up new stories or take ridiculous posed pictures.  I don't want to post about the stinking Elf every day on my Facebook page in an effort to proclaim my superior mom-ness to the rest of the world.

I wrote a little about this last year when people started harassing me about making 118 Christmas tree brownies for school.  We all have our own version of overcompensation.  We all want to believe that we are kick ass moms for something.  We all want to be the best mom at something.  I bake, you buy an Elf.  I get it.  I do. Difference being, I can promise you I'm not moving the brownies around the house every day and taking pictures of them.

You want to buy an Elf and play along, good for you.  Post away, tweet away, pin away.   Tell us all how awesome your Elf is you are.  Just don't be surprised when we all giggle a little the morning your Elf "forgets" to move and you gots some 'splaining to do.

If I got an Elf, chances are I'd be doing more Elf Shaming than Elf Moving.

On second thought, maybe I should get an Elf just to humiliate him.


Creepy little bastard.

36 comments:

  1. You aren't alone. I have ZERO desire to own that stupid little elf. Usually, a threat to drop kick a kid is enough for mine! lol

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    Replies
    1. Right???? I don't need a daily reminder. LOL

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    2. Hate the elf. But I. Love. You. Awesome post!

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    3. Thanks! I had a feeling you'd like it. ;)

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  2. I only want one to enter the Inappropriate Elf Contest on Baby Rabies. That is all. ;-)

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  3. Agreed. I totally missed the memo on the elf thing. NBD! Besides, the cat is out of the bag at our house now. My youngest (8) caught his dad being the tooth fairy and asked directly about Santa...I couldn't lie any more. Now he knows. I guess I'm stuck with good old fashioned discipline :)

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  4. This is awesome! You should get one and do the Elf Shaming. You are way funnier than the one I have planned. I always forget to move it, too. Ours just made his appearance today, and already the kids are making fun of it, so...don't know how long it will last (especially since one of mine saw it at Target displayed right there - isn't that defeating the purpose??).

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    1. Now I want one just to take elf shaming pictures.

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  5. I just read something that said, the minute you stop believing in Santa, you start getting underwear. It made me think of you ;)

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    Replies
    1. HA! My kids get underwear anyway! LMAO

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  6. my elf would be cut into pieces which would be placed in each kid's bed with the warning: behave or he doesn't get put back together.

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  7. Yes, yes, yes. You read my mind. We do not have an elf, we have no desire to have an elf. The elf can bite me.

    Great post!! xoxoxo

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    1. The elf can bite me too. Maybe if I fed him brownies he wouldn't be so weird....

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  8. I'm on board with you! I am entirely too lazy after my kids go to bed to worry about an elf. That's my time. :)

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    Replies
    1. That is mommy's time, and mommy's time alone. No Elf is screwing with that.

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  9. I guess I should return that elf I bought you for Christmas...

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    Replies
    1. I think I want one! Just for elf shaming.

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  10. Thank you! Those creepy bastards would give ME nightmares!

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    Replies
    1. If it wasn't designed like dolls that are already creepy, it might not be so bad....but he's scary!

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  11. you sound just like me! and I refused to get an elf last year. But now I'm tempted to get one just to shame him or make him do naughty things that I probably shouldn't let me kids see anyway.

    hmm...

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    Replies
    1. If I ever do, that's the only reason why.

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  12. I vote for brownies around the house! Or better yet, ship one around like flat Stanley or a bad traveling pants sisterhood. Ha the possibilities are endless really.

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha, I should take pictures of the brownies.

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  13. I'm so guilty of everything you just wrote about. The elf arrived a few days ago and I've posed him and taken pictures for 3 days the first night he was in bed with Barbie:-) LOL I'm sure I'll forget since I'm a scatterbrain who can't keep track of her own keys. But I'm single and have one kid and she digs the elf so I'm going to do the best I can. And since the elf first appeared at her dad's house last Christmas I really feel forced to carry on the tradition so I can win Mom of the year.

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    Replies
    1. In that case, game on Mom! You got this!

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  14. This is so funny. I didn't know people moved the elf around the house. That little face scares me. I keep thinking of ways to haunt my husband with it and that makes me almost want to get one.

    You realize you hit the kid jackpot, don't you? I mean most of us can't control our child's behavior with the mere mention of pickles. Who needs an elf when you've got pickles? That is awesome.

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    Replies
    1. I totally don't need an elf. I'm telling you, the kid REALLY hates pickles.

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  15. When I have babies, I do not want an elf. I've got enough Christmas cheer to handle. The creepy little elf sounds like a pain in the ass bandwagon I don't want to jump on. Besides, I'll do it the same way my mother did it, and her mother, and her mother before...good old fashioned Catholic guilt. And the fear of Mom.

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  16. Jay's mom plays "Elf" for us and leaves notes on the front porch, telling the kids to be good and counting down til Christmas. That's enough for me...

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  17. Ok so I admit it's a fun idea and I could totally do weird shit with it... BUT my daughter was freaked the hell out when I asked should we get an elf. So bullet dodged and wimpy Greg was the one who saved me :) And, yes he is a creepy bastard, which by the way is a very Australian thing to say. Are you holding you ton me?

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