Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Dear Kids, a letter from Santa

All the children in the world,

Some of you may be familiar with me already, but let me introduce myself just in case. My name is Santa Claus. I've been called many other names over the years, it's true. My least favorite is probably Fat Bastard.

Anyway, I'm writing this letter to you in response to all the letters you will inevitably write to me this holiday season. I really don't have time to read them, and the elves start whining after reading this stuff for a couple weeks. I have to be honest, I'm not paying attention to anything they say once the whining starts. They really do have the most nauseating voices.

Let me just make a few things obvious in case you haven't figured this stuff out yet on your own.

I'm looking at you, kid. Pay attention.

1. Do not scream or burp or fart on my lap. Do not pee on me, and for the love of all that is holy and right in this world, DO NOT BARF ON ME. Granted, it's not the real me being tortured down there in the mall, but those guys in the red suits are my friends. They do the heavy lifting while I hang out here at the North Pole sipping hot toddies all day. Oh, don't pull their beards either. Every Santa hates that shit.

2. Smile for the goddamn picture. Seriously. Do you see that line? The longer those kids wait, the more they are going to turn into little brats. The longer their parents wait, the more desperate they will get. You've seen the crazy pathetic mother flapping her arms like a freak behind the camera, sobbing hysterically because her fucking kid won't smile. Don't be an asshole. Just smile for the picture. Make this as easy as possible, and I'll slip you an extra candy cane, mmmkay? I've got 27 more little assholes to deal with behind you.

3. If you want good presents, leave me the good cookies. Stop giving me the broken, burnt cookies. Dammit. There is nothing in this world that honks me off more than a burnt damn cookie. Oh, and gingersnaps??? That shit is disgusting. Keep it off the plate if you know what's good for you.

4. If you want awesome presents, pour some Bailey's or Kahlua in the milk. Ask your parents where this is.

5. There is a list of things I can't bring you. Don't even ask. If your parents haven't told you this, then they deserve what is coming to them. 
  • Live animals. They shit in the sleigh and we all know you aren't going to clean it up, no matter how much you promise. 
  • Anything electronic that requires a data plan. I'll fuck with parents, but not that much. 
  • Weapons of any kind. Unless you want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle, that is. I'll totally bring you that shit. 
  • The LEGO Death Star. Just don't fucking ask. 
6. Assuming the things you want aren't on the above mentioned list, be specific. Really fucking specific. If you just tell me you want a doll, but what you really wanted was the brown haired doll with blue eyes wearing the green outfit carrying a tiny dog, say it. Tell your parents a few months in advance, too. That shit doesn't just make itself, and I'm not a goddamn mind reader. You guys are picky little turds.

7. Don't be a shithead the week before Christmas. Do you know how many fucking phone calls I get from parents who've had enough??? I don't got time for that shit. I'm busy. I've got deadlines. Knock it off. Shitheads don't get presents.

8. Go ahead change your mind at the last minute, ask for something else. I dare you, you little bastard. It's not going to work. I don't recommend trying to pull a fast one on a dude who's been around the block for a few thousand years.

9. If you say you don't believe in me, you're not getting coal. It's too damn heavy to lug around. What you are getting, though, is socks and underwear. LOTS of socks and underwear. Merry Fucking Christmas!!!

10. Finally, on Christmas Eve....go the fuck to sleep. Your parents are exhausted, the house is a mess, shit ain't wrapped and I can't squeeze my fat ass down the chimney until you're all in dreamland. So get there, and quickly. Once you're there, s.t.a.y.t.h.e.r.e. Got it??? I'm gonna be super pissed if I'm running late because you needed another fucking drink of water then had to pee an hour later.

Hope this helps answer some of your questions.

Now, behave. My creepy Elves are spying on you.


Santa Claus


  1. OMG... funniest shit ever. Love this and sharing it!

  2. i love this. St. Nick the Dick.

  3. I love you. My kids somehow got so hyped up on Thanksgiving that they didn't go to sleep until 1 in the morning... I'm already dreading Christmas Eve. Guess I should probably not plan to wrap presents that evening.

  4. Love it..BTW, at Disneyland...the princess "fluffer" as my hubby likes to call them lovely gay boys working the lines at the princess pavillion, was...."Mckay" MMMMKay.....can not make this stuff up! I am sure he probably pronounced it normal like the Scottish Mc-Kay....but we like to think it was MMMkay

  5. OMG! That was hilarious and so true. I think I pee'd my pants a little from that. Thankfully, my children are scared to death of mall Santa Clauses so we don't have to worry about the pictures.

  6. Socks and underwear and no death star. You just ruined Christmas for me.

    I am so glad I do not have the job of being Santa much pee and so much barf. I couldn't take it.

  7. HA HA HA! Love it! :-D

  8. This is fantastic. Although I do love me some Gingersnaps, I think I more than make up for any cookie disgrace by always leaving SC a nice, cold beer. #10 is totally getting posted at my house.

  9. It's a damn good thing I'm Jewish because I make the best Ginger Snaps. Wouldn't want Santa taking it out on my kids. Taking stuff out on my kids is my job.

  10. This is hilarious! Could I print this out and give to my kids? All they ever ask for is electronics and Lego sets that cost billions of dollars.

  11. Hilarious!! Just confirmed my thoughts of the Fat Bastard hahaha!

  12. Dying laughing. Our son just said yesterday 'NOOOOOWWWW I get why Santa always wanted salami and beer instead of cookies!!

  13. Dear Santa,
    We always leave steak potatoes and beer for you because cookies all night long can't be good for you..and Mama always says you'll need a beer after that road trip ;o)
    Thanks for the 411
    Ps..I've been a very good girl..can I puhleeeease have a bulldog puppy?
    Little girl Bleu

  14. I LOVE THIS. I almost peed myself.

  15. Santa's a cranky prick really isn't he. My bet is Mrs Claus isn't putting out ... bitch

  16. Dammit! I wanted a Death Star!!!!

  17. Hey, I will take Santa's gingersnaps

  18. I love it! I will be sharing with everyone!


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