I posted a status on my Facebook page yesterday about how in the history of my life as a mother, my ability to not freak out in light of what is going on was top 5 ever.
I wasn't kidding, and yet I strongly get the sense that people probably thought I was being flippant.
Just for the record, the other days in the top 5 probably go something like this:
1) The day my oldest was born premature and intubated shortly after birth.
2) The day my older daughter almost killed herself with a wooden spoon and needed emergency surgery.
3) The day my younger daughter went into anaphylactic shock, the cause of which was never determined.
4) The day both my sons had surgery. Yes, both of them. On the same day.
I'm completely not kidding.
This week promises to be an emotionally charged one, with lots of waiting. I don't wait well, evidenced by my complete inability to sleep last night. At least this time I wasn't the only one tossing and turning all night. My husband was awake for most of the fun too.
So, as part of my effort to distract myself from the only thing I'm really thinking about right now, I will write about the other stuff that pissed me off this week.
Psychopaths and preschool teachers
I'm well aware of the fact that whoever kidnapped, almost certainly abused, killed and dismembered Jessica Ridgeway is guaranteed to be certifiably nuts. The fact that this guy, whoever he is, will be able to legitimately claim an insanity defense doesn't make what happened any more palatable, doesn't make worried parents any more assured when he's still out there. It doesn't help when you have to talk to your kids about the dangers in the world, knowing full well that there are some people who are just crazy and who can't ignore their sick desires to harm others.
Having a preschool teacher preach about stranger danger last week didn't put me in a better place though, in light of the fact that most kids who are hurt, abused, abducted or killed are the victims of people they already know.
I already hopped up on that soapbox though, and I'll spare you from a second round.
Catchy songs by jerkoffs
I really, really, really hate Chris Brown. More correctly, I can't subscribe to anything the guy stands for.
The douchey neck tattoo just dots the "i", doesn't it? He's an abusive asshole who pretends to be the nice kid next door. The thing that drives me the most crazy about him is that his songs, by and large, don't suck.
They are catchy. They are good dance songs. I find myself singing along, then curse him in my head.
Whorey Halloween Costumes
Yeah, whorey is a word. I say so. Anyone with a daughter over the age of 4 knows what I'm talking about. I get it that Halloween is the one day to live your fantasy life...but that fantasy shouldn't involve fishnet stockings and dresses that barely cover your ass when you are 7.
WHY is it so hard to find age appropriate costumes? I shudder when I flip to the tween section of the costume catalogs. Might as well be looking at the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog.
Fortunately, since we are all crazy and such with our family costumes, I don't have to worry too much about this particular problem. I'm going to force the kids to dress in whatever theme I pick until they go to college.
That should work, right???
Every kid that auditioned this year got into the talent show. They are not all talented. Not by any stretch of the imagination. (I may or may not include one of my children in that category, but I'm gonna plead the 5th here).
However, they all get two of the longest minutes in the history of time to flail on stage, to sing off key, to do whatever it is that their parents have lied to them about and told them they were great at.
The show is tonight, and if the rehearsal yesterday was any indication, it's going to be a long show. A very long show.
As a veteran parent, I can get behind the show if a few things are instituted.
1) A gong. (this wasn't even my idea, honest)
3) A bar.
Since none of those things have yet to come to fruition, I will just have to sit in the audience and suffer. You know that I am being punished for my views on talent shows when I tell you that one of my daughters is singing first, the other almost last. I have to pay attention the whole damn time.
I do solemnly swear that I will stifle my giggles, I will refrain from rolling my eyes, I will not snort.
Not even once.
Wish me luck on that last one. I'm gonna need it.
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