Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Things That Piss Me Off Tuesday - the distraction edition

I posted a status on my Facebook page yesterday about how in the history of my life as a mother, my ability to not freak out in light of what is going on was top 5 ever.

I wasn't kidding, and yet I strongly get the sense that people probably thought I was being flippant.

Just for the record, the other days in the top 5 probably go something like this:

1) The day my oldest was born premature and intubated shortly after birth.

2) The day my older daughter almost killed herself with a wooden spoon and needed emergency surgery.

3) The day my younger daughter went into anaphylactic shock, the cause of which was never determined.

4) The day both my sons had surgery.  Yes, both of them.  On the same day.

5) Yesterday.

I'm completely not kidding.

This week promises to be an emotionally charged one, with lots of waiting.  I don't wait well, evidenced by my complete inability to sleep last night.  At least this time I wasn't the only one tossing and turning all night.  My husband was awake for most of the fun too.

So, as part of my effort to distract myself from the only thing I'm really thinking about right now, I will write about the other stuff that pissed me off this week.

Psychopaths and preschool teachers
I'm well aware of the fact that whoever kidnapped, almost certainly abused, killed and dismembered Jessica Ridgeway is guaranteed to be certifiably nuts.  The fact that this guy, whoever he is, will be able to legitimately claim an insanity defense doesn't make what happened any more palatable, doesn't make worried parents any more assured when he's still out there.  It doesn't help when you have to talk to your kids about the dangers in the world, knowing full well that there are some people who are just crazy and who can't ignore their sick desires to harm others.

Having a preschool teacher preach about stranger danger last week didn't put me in a better place though, in light of the fact that most kids who are hurt, abused, abducted or killed are the victims of people they already know.

I already hopped up on that soapbox though, and I'll spare you from a second round.

Catchy songs by jerkoffs
I really, really, really hate Chris Brown.  More correctly, I can't subscribe to anything the guy stands for.

The douchey neck tattoo just dots the "i", doesn't it?  He's an abusive asshole who pretends to be the nice kid next door.  The thing that drives me the most crazy about him is that his songs, by and large, don't suck.

They are catchy.  They are good dance songs.  I find myself singing along, then curse him in my head.

Whorey Halloween Costumes
Yeah, whorey is a word.  I say so.  Anyone with a daughter over the age of 4 knows what I'm talking about.  I get it that Halloween is the one day to live your fantasy life...but that fantasy shouldn't involve fishnet stockings and dresses that barely cover your ass when you are 7.

WHY is it so hard to find age appropriate costumes?  I shudder when I flip to the tween section of the costume catalogs.  Might as well be looking at the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog.

Fortunately, since we are all crazy and such with our family costumes, I don't have to worry too much about this particular problem.  I'm going to force the kids to dress in whatever theme I pick until they go to college.

That should work, right???

"Talent" shows
Every kid that auditioned this year got into the talent show. They are not all talented.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  (I may or may not include one of my children in that category, but I'm gonna plead the 5th here).

However, they all get two of the longest minutes in the history of time to flail on stage, to sing off key, to do whatever it is that their parents have lied to them about and told them they were great at.

The show is tonight, and if the rehearsal yesterday was any indication, it's going to be a long show.  A very long show.

As a veteran parent, I can get behind the show if a few things are instituted.

1) A gong.  (this wasn't even my idea, honest)
2) Intermission.
3) A bar.

Since none of those things have yet to come to fruition, I will just have to sit in the audience and suffer.  You know that I am being punished for my views on talent shows when I tell you that one of my daughters is singing first, the other almost last.  I have to pay attention the whole damn time.

I do solemnly swear that I will stifle my giggles, I will refrain from rolling my eyes, I will not snort.

Not even once.

Wish me luck on that last one.  I'm gonna need it.


  1. OMG "talent" shows...good times. And I have really not quite mastered the whole "No eye rolling" thing.

    Best of luck with the waiting ...tonight's show should be the perfect distraction. Bwaaaahaaa.

    1. Sometimes it takes everything in me. LOL

  2. Perhaps a couple shots before hand will make the show more bearable. ..good luck :)

  3. When I taught middle school we used to be able to go and see the Choir concert during a class period..."Sign ups in the main office" I would always support the band and the drama classes because frankly they were AWESOME!!! But the choir was torture...The teacher, as sweet as she was, believed in giving the solo parts to the kids that "earned" it...and by earn it, that is working the hardest, or coming every day or kissing her ass the most...I'll admit, she was a little cooky. So imagine the most awful singer getting the lead solo....and then the lady decided that maybe she should combine choir and a little drama to it and there we had musicals...And the torture was ten fold...Off key singing, poor horrible acting, and 200 middle schoolers who would rather have been in History or Math than watching their peers embarrass themselves for 45 minutes. So I always bypassed the choir...You have my utmost sympathy...

  4. I am still trying to figure out the wooden spoon. I am scared. It sounds painful.

    1. Spoon versus moutg. Tore open the hard palate. And yeah, was as bad as it sounds.

  5. Better yet--young girls performing inappropriate dance moves to a Chris Brown tune while wearing sexy costumes...at a talent show with psychopaths and preschool teachers in the audience. Just sayin'.

    1. Shudder. Not sleeping tonight now. Lol

  6. I am with you on the whorey Halloween costumes, which by the way autocorrect accepted whorey so either I use it or it is actually an accepted word. I really does start so young...my Alice has two respectable Alice in Wonderland costumes to choose from or 482 whorey ones.

    1. When did Alice in Wonderland start to look like a chamber maid? Ick.

  7. you're such a prude. why not dress the girls in Miss St. Pauli costumes. hang in there... the week is rolling along. <3

    1. Okay, that's funny because you know that I have a beer wench costume FOR ME already. The girls have to wait until they are legal age. Or in college. At least college. LOL

  8. Goodness that is a list, wooden spoon. Two sons surgery in one day.I think you are the toughest lady in the world. Yes chris brown is a douche!
    I have awarded you the Laine blogger award, But I am thinking you might be busy. So just know I think the world of you. Take care and be well


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