Friday, September 14, 2012

Things That Piss Me Off Tuesday - the who am I kidding edition

It appears that I just need to change the name of this series.

I don't even know when I actually wrote it on a Tuesday last time, but it's been a while.

I'm actually trying to channel positivity and all that kind of nonsense, so I'm not sure I'll be as snarky as you all are expecting.

Unless it's not working, that positivity nonsense.  Then this will still be really freaking funny.

My Tendency to Flail
So, earlier this week, I decided to be a girl.  I wore a cute skirt and a white shirt.  It was quite nice, and completely outside of my comfort zone.  I try, really try, to stick to my uniform of black shirts and denim.

I took the kids to school and dropped them off, all glamorous and shit.  Then spilled coffee all over myself.

I am pretty sure I'm allergic to white shirts.

And I do all my own stunts.

This is the part of parenting I'm not looking forward to.  Although, I'll ensure that my kids are never rotten little shitheads. I spent a hour at a neighborhood park this week, and resisted an almost constant urge to go yell at someone else's children.

If you're in high school and still hang out on top of the play structure at the park, you need to grow the fuck up.  You also need to figure out how to speak without using that word, just in case you ever want to get a job.  Or a girlfriend.

It always drives me insane when kids that are way too big decide to wrestle or play tag while there are tiny little kids who should be able to play without getting trampled around.  When they run around dropping f-bombs and calling each other assholes and dickheads constantly, I want to tackle them myself, duct tape their filthy mouths shut and drag their pathetic wanna be asses to their mamas.

F-bombs are supposed to be dropped only by the actual adults who know how to work with that word like the linguistic art form it is.  Duh.

The ungodly smell in my car right now
I drive a trash heap on wheels.  Truly.  It doesn't look so bad from the outside, that minivan of mine, but the inside???  Wow.

I've really wanted to get it detailed for a while now, but then I reason that it's not worth the money.  It would be back to it's trashed status within hours.  There was not one, but three tootsie rolls firmly adhered to the carpet last time I cleaned it out.  And someone opened the tube of sunscreen, then shoved it back in the seat pocket without the top on.  Yeah. Stick your hand in that.

I can tolerate it most of the time...but the last week or so is too much.  I don't even know where the smell is coming from.  I can't see or find anything causing it.  Good lord.

I'm a little concerned because I have a friend who went through this, only to have them find a dead mouse in the air filter.  The mouse that had squirrelled away almost half a bag of skittles in.the.air.filter before he met his unfortunate end.

I really don't want a decomposing skittle loving mouse in my car.  Is that asking too much???

Maybe it is.

I should probably set the bar a little lower.

Slow Ass Trains
This one is going to make so much sense to anyone who lives here.

There is just an unspoken truth in this town.  If you need to get anywhere in a hurry, are running a little late, or someone in your car needs to pee right now, you're going to get stuck by a train.

I've been stuck by the same train three different times at three different intersections before.

Trains here don't just go forward slowly, they back up.  Then pull forward.  Then back up.  Then pull forward.  Then stop.  Sometimes for a few seconds, but never when there is somewhere you need to be.

Hopefully wherever you need to go is somewhere in town, because you know that you can call them and let them know that you're stopped by the train and they will understand.  Anywhere else, forget it.

Choo choo.


  1. We have trains here, too, so I feel your pain there. And our minivan's engine just blew up (5k miles after we bought the damn thing!) so we're currently without a car since our back-up was stolen and totaled. The most disturbing thing I've realized in the past few days that I've been borrowing my mom's car is how gross our van smells. Getting in her car- which is older than our van- smells like climbing into a new vehicle. Josh worked for a car detailing company many years ago, and once we fork over $2,500 for the new motor, I'm putting him on detailing duty.

    1. Yikes. For that price, it should include a detail!!!


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