Thursday, August 23, 2012

Release the Kraken

I've been sick for now for almost two weeks.  The husband injured for a bit longer.

Out of commission.

Which can only mean one thing in a house full of six people.

Shit ain't getting done.

The kids are taking full advantage of it, of course. I've asked them to help more than usual because of my complete inability to do anything.  Aidan is supposed to do the dishes and the girls are supposed to do the laundry.

What I imagine that looks like, and what I found a few nights ago after the kids went to bed, are vastly different.

Aidan got into the habit of restarting the dishwasher whenever he didn't want to empty it.  The dishes of six people for god only knows how long, stacked precariously on the counter.  In the sink.  On the tables.  You get where I'm going with this.

The girls washed and dried the clothes well enough.  Then rolled them up in balls and threw them into random baskets.  No folding, no sorting.  IF something was hung up, it was done in such a manner that I'm not even sure how they got it to stay on the hanger.  Defying the laws of gravity and shit.  That bad.

The entire floor was covered with stuff.  Dirty clothes, clothes that were probably clean before they landed back on the floor, dishes that didn't fit on counters anymore, freaking cheese papers.  The trash was overflowing, spilling out all over the kitchen floor.

Keep in mind my husband is on crutches or his scooter.  He at least needs a path.

I surveyed the damage.  I have a line.  This was over the line.

I harnessed every last ounce of energy I had and yelled up the stairs in my sick and raspy scary mommy voice (which  I imagine to sound like Kathleen Turner, but probably sounds more like a pubescent boy).

10:30pm on a school night, and I dragged all their asses out of bed.

Yes I did.

Release the Kraken. Unleash hell.  All that.

There was yelling, at least until I launched into a coughing fit.  There was snapping and pointing.  I am pretty sure I flailed at some point.  Basically, I freaked the fuck out.

Do it right the first time so you don't have to do it twice.

You're going to fix this.

I don't care if you're tired at school tomorrow.

Don't be lazy!

All I'm asking for is a little, tiny bit of help, seriously!

My husband was worried I was going to turn on him next.

In the eyes of my children, terror.

Mom has full on lost her shit, guys....we'd better listen or we might not survive to morning.

They survived.  Somehow, as if a magical cleaning fairy has come, the laundry is now getting folded and the dishes are actually getting washed.

Amazing how that works.


  1. It's amazing how effective adding a dash of insanity to your requests can be when dealing with kids and men. I want to relearn German to add even more terror when I lose my shit.

    1. Oooooh, German. I may have to look into that.

  2. You mean this shit doesn't just happen to me? This was beautiful. I laughed so hard I cried. Thank you.

  3. I only use Korean when I'm pissed off...a whole bunches of Hajima's (Don't) and Ahn Deh's (Stop) with a dash of Choogu lie oh...(You want to die). I feel for you Kelly. I can only imagine what a house of 4 kids and inoperable parents might look like....Cause we've got two parents here that are operable, one dog, two kids and the place is a disaster. I think I've mentioned this before but I have a friend who is one of five kids and he loves to tell the story about the time his mom lost her shit and pointed to each one of the kids and said "Fuck YOU! Fuck You. Fuck you!Fuck You...and FUUUUUCCCKKKK YOU"

  4. What a great post. I hate it when the kids get sick and I am sick I hope you are all better soon

  5. Kelly, just wanted to say my daughter loves your blog...and so do I. I am glad the two of you have become friends. Wish that I could be there to help you guys out when there are days like this, but unfortunately, the transporter isn't working so I'll have to settle for sending lots of good wishes and healing energy to you and your hubby. Keep and Megan make me laugh, and cry, and remember what motherhood is really like.

    Pam Lebert

    1. I cannot tell you how excited I am that you read my blog! I adore Megan. :)

  6. Delightful! Everyone has to unleash their inner bad ass from time to time. Glad the shits getting taken care of now. Go rest and feel better!

  7. I have laughed at your freak out for the past 10 minutes. You are halarious! I don't freak out as much as I used to, honestly it's because I'm too damn tired!

    1. You gotta do what you gotta do, right? :)


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