You want to know what amuses me endlessly????
I catch a lot of heat from people who know me in real life for writing about the things that irritate the hell out of me, and yet all you people out there in blog land seem to really enjoy it.
Seriously, you guys love it, and I've got the blog stats to prove it.
I toyed briefly with the idea of retiring this weekly rant, but then I came to my senses. I'm gonna keep bitching for as long as y'all like it.
I've attempted to go to the pool with many assorted friends in the last week and a half, and it has never worked out. Not once.
Wanna know why?
My kids are sabotaging my plans.
They say this to each other every day I think:
Hey guys....Mom has plans....let's see how badly we can screw them up.
One day they fought non-stop for the entire day. The.entire.day. One accused the others of stealing his stuff, no one would own up to it, so Mommy staged a stand off. Fine. No one cops to it, we go nowhere.
Turns out the accuser just blew his own money, and all that drama was for nothing.
Dammit...I even shaved my legs that day.
Then yesterday happened, and the grandest of plans were made. Until my 3 year old announced to me that he had a rock in his ear, which turned out to be a tiny green plastic bead. Crammed all the way in there.
Because I really wanted to go donate some more money to the DeBie Family Wing of the clinic instead of hang out with MY friends.
That was a better use of my time.
My eldest child has been reveling in the middle school nights at the pool lately. Which, truth be told, is pretty fantastic. The city closes the pool to everyone but the awkward tweens of the city, and they get to hang out in their weirdness for a few hours without being bothered by younger siblings or annoying parents.
I was telling one of the friends I was supposed to meet at the pool yesterday about it, and we had a revelation. The city needs to institute Mom nights. Where no children or men are allowed in. No entry permitted to any childless women either. No stretchmarks or mommy pooches? Screw that...you can go to the pool with everyone else. Unless you're begging to get in the door, having just abandoned your children and husband, no entrance granted.
To prove your status as a mother, bring your purse. If you have goldfish crumbs, strange flavored chapstick, fruit snacks, wipes or a brush with a cartoon character on it, we'll believe you and let you in.
We can wear whatever we want, without worrying about anyone ogling us. We could even go topless, because honestly....isn't that the FIRST thing we all do to get comfortable in the evening? I know I'm settling in when the bra comes off.
You know what else we could do in our swimsuits? We could walk. In them. Jog even if we were so inclined. GASP! You all know what I'm talking about.
We could do back flips and cannonballs off the diving boards without worrying about anything flapping in the wind. Not because there wouldn't be flapping, rest assured there would be, but because no one would care.
We could have a DJ playing cheesy 80's hair band rock, and we could all pretend that we still look good enough to shake our asses on the hood of Whitesnake's car.
We'd look the other way when someone started hanging out by the jet for a little too long, then get her a drink afterwards.
We could swim the entire time or just hang out and talk, and no one would ever need to go to the bathroom and cry for 10 minutes because they didn't want to put their wet swimsuit back on.
They could build one of those floating bars just for these Mom nights, and I can guarantee the city would make a damn fortune on us.
I'm a freaking genius.
Now....if only someone would listen to me.
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