Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Photo Challenge - Day 7

Day 7 ~

Now that you've spent all that time trying to find a picture of something or someone in your life that represents the idea of fearlessness, it's time for the opposite.

What are you afraid of?

I have to be completely honest right now and say that my personal list is a whole lot different than it was when I ran this challenge last year.  So much has happened, I've weathered some horrendous storms, terrible tragedies have befallen people I love, I've lost a lot.  More than I could have ever anticipated.

I've lost a parent, I've lost a friend involuntarily, I've lost a friend because of betrayal, I've lost myself.  I've called the police, fire department and lawyers more times than I care to count.  I've spent too much time in hospitals.   Way too much time.  Two of my kids had surgery, and one was worked up for the dreaded C-word.  I've had my world stop spinning more than once.

I'm not being flippant at all when I tell you all that I've been to hell and back.

At this point in my life, from where I stand right now, the thing that I fear the most is something that seems counter intuitive unless you've been there yourself.  Some of you may get where I'm going with this, but most of you (I hope) will have no idea what I am talking about.

What I'm afraid of now, in this bruised and beaten body,  is trust. 

I've been lied to by so many people, I've been used and mistreated.  I've been violated.

My soul has been crushed.

The worst of which was perpetrated by the kind of people who are never supposed to do those kinds of things to you.  The people you are supposed to trust without ever doubting it.

I have a hard time letting them back in.  I have a hard time putting the shield down.  I have a hard time even entertaining the thought of trust, particularly when it's been breached so many times.
My Dad's roses - he was always honest with me.
I don't want to live the rest of my life in this prison.  I don't want to doubt the goodness of people.  I don't want to question the motives of everything everyone does or says.

I want to trust.

But I am afraid.

1 comment:

  1. Hugs. Trust is a huge issue for me, too. It definitely sucks.


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