Thursday, June 7, 2012

I'd like a refund

I spent most of my childhood willing it to get faster.  I wanted nothing more than to be older, to be a grown-up.

I was always in a hurry.

Part of it was always the fact that I was one of the youngest in my class.  I felt like I was playing a constant game of catch-up, one that I knew I would never win.  It seemed like everyone else always got to do everything first.

Then things started to go the other way.  I got to go first.

In my circle of friends, I was the first one engaged, the first one married, the first one with kids.  The first one with a mortgage, the first one to have all the responsibilities of a grown-up.  The first one with family Christmas cards, complete with the obnoxiously happy looking pictures.

I was also the first one to lose a parent.  I've been the first one for a few other shitty milestones, too. First one to endure a life-threatening illness.  First one to lose a baby.  First one to go through infertility.  And on and on.

I look at my kids, my daughter in particular, and I see the hurry I used to be in.  She wants to grow up.  She doesn't want to be a kid.  At all.

I don't want to be a terrible mom and squash her dreams about adulthood.  I don't want to tell her that life really sucks ass sometimes.  I don't want to tell her that this isn't at all what I thought it would be.

Instead I urge her to enjoy her childhood, I try to get her to be carefree and spontaneous.  I push her to try new things.  I want so badly for her to just be a happy little girl.

This whole adulthood nonsense was supposed to be full of vacations and immaculate houses and easy living.  I was supposed to get to make all my own decisions, and not be at the mercy of other people anymore.  I was supposed to do whatever I want.

Now, mostly, I clean up the same mess every single day and pee with an audience.

This life definitely isn't what it was advertised to be, and dammit, I'd like a refund.

1 comment:

  1. No kidding. If I could go back and relive some of my childhood, I'd definitely take time to appreciate the simplicity. And I'm with you on the firsts thing. The only one of those lovely milestones I haven't hit yet are losing a parent and dealing with infertility. And for that, I'm extremely grateful. As always, you're in my thoughts.


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