Thursday, June 14, 2012

I can't even bear to see this

I can't.

It's an abomination.

It makes me want to wash my eyeballs and force my children to promise me that they will never ever want to watch it.

Rock of Ages.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I never saw the stage production.  I have a friend that saw it about a bajillion times, but I'm fairly certain that she was actually born with jazz hands.  You know who you are.  

When she told me that Constantine Maroulis of American Idol infamy was cast as the rock singer Stacee Jaxx, I laughed at first.  Then I figured that maybe it was a good fit after all.  Constantine was clearly just a wanna be rock star on AI, so maybe it would make sense for him to play one in a campy musical.

She swore up and down that he was great in it, that the show was nothing but a fun tribute to the ridiculousness of 80's hair bands.

And, incidentally, I  LOVED me some 80's hair bands.  I covered the walls in my bedroom with pictures of men with bigger hair than I could ever dream of, who wore more makeup than I'd ever try to pull off.  Some of them could rock a platform heel better than most women I know.

Sebastian Bach?  Axl Rose?  Bret Michaels back in the day?  There will never be another front man for Motley Crue except Vince Neil, and you know that the best drummer in rock music only has one arm, right?

There is little in this world better than a power ballad sung to an arena full of lighters.

I have a deep love of this genre of music, and will do battle with anyone that makes fun of it.  For reals.

Which is why I am so upset.

As most of you may know by now, there is a movie version of Rock of Ages about to be released.  I could get behind it if it was another movie about a group like ABBA, though my own husband once made the grave mistake of comparing Mamma Mia to American Idiot.  You know I'm never going to let him live that one down, especially since he feels the same way about 90's pseudo-alternative music that I do about 80's hair bands.

So this movie is about to come out, and it's about to attempt to ruin my love of this music in one fell swoop.  The weapon of mass destruction?


Who in their right mind thought Tom Cruise could pull off this role?  Looking at this picture just turns my stomach.  He's not hardcore.  He's just another poser trying to pull off guyliner.  I may have been able to get behind the attempt back in the days before he was a crazy couch jumping ass, but now???  I just can't do it.

He needs to go back to the 80's like these hair bands, back to the time when he was just a hot pilot in a movie playing volleyball with the Iceman.  Before he was weird, before he was a freak, before he tried to ruin the rock bands of the 80's.

Can we just take a moment to admire the
fineness of this cinematic masterpiece?
There has to be someone out there more believable as Stacee Jaxx. There has to be.

His own daughter isn't sure what to think of him in this role.  Poor Suri.

At least we don't have to live with him.

God, I hope my kids don't want to see this movie.


  1. I felt the same way about him as Lestat in Interview with The Vampire. He should stick to what he's good at.

  2. The movie looks good to me. I plan on watching it. But I love these kinds of movies.


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