Sunday, June 17, 2012

Floating

I find that I feel like I'm meandering my way through life.  Sometimes it seems like I'm barely keeping my head above water.  Maybe, to some degree, it was always this way, and I just clung to the illusion that I ever had a plan.

I like to think that I did.  I prefer the version of my story that meant that once upon a time, I had a clear vision of how things would be, and that through this series of unfortunate events, things changed forever.

I know that to some degree, I'm just kidding myself about it.  I was naive and foolish to ever think that things could be so simple.  That life wouldn't come along and pull the rug out from under me, tell me that I had some recalculating to do.

I've had quite a few life-changing events, far more than I feel like I should have had by this point in my life.  I thought I had more time, that things would be more spread out, that it wouldn't start happening so soon, some that I had no idea would ever happen at all.

I certainly never envisioned being 35 and without him.
There are few things in this world that can shock you into maturing more quickly than losing a parent.  Just knowing that they aren't there to pick you up and dust you off anymore means, by extension, that you have to be even more deliberate with everything.  Choices require reflection and patience.  There are consequences to every dilemma that no one else will help you recover from.  Not anymore.

I know that I don't feel old enough to feel this way.

I know that I should not be envious of those who are celebrating with their fathers today, but I can't help it.

I know that I should not be even more envious of those who are lucky enough to still be celebrating with their grandfathers today, but I am.  I haven't had a grandparent in over a decade, haven't had a grandfather in well over two decades.

I'm feeling a bit sad today.

I'm floating around in this world, knowing that there is nowhere firm left for me to anchor myself if this port I'm in now is washed out.  If another storm comes and thrashes my boat up against the rocks, there's no safe harbor for me to seek.

It's me and the ocean.  I have to roll with the tides.  I have to adjust my sails.  I have to keep floating, no matter what.

I have to be strong.  I have to be sturdy.  I have to be the one that saves myself.

There's no one else to do it for me anymore.

I know that I can.

My father taught me to.

Happy father's day, wherever you are, Daddy.  I miss you.

1 comment:

  1. Kelly - You are not alone in the ocean. Dad died,we can't change that, but there are strong men in your life who would help you anytime you asked. First you have your brother - who forever will be on your side - helping as needed, caring for you unconditionaally. You have Tom, Ken, Kevin, Curtis, Doug, Donnie, Robert, Taylor, Jared all of whom would help you if you asked. You also have me and I'm much stronger than you think. You will have me and Dan whenever you need help. But you have to share your problems and ask for help. Noone is a mind reader.You have all your aunts and cousins as well - but you have to let people in. You and your Brother and cousins and children have so many people who love you, You have good friends who can help as well. Dock your at - you are strong, ask for help and move forward on dry land. I know it's easier said than done - but you can do Tt. I think I've finally found my dock and I'll be there soon. If I can do it, so can you. I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK.

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