I find that I feel like I'm meandering my way through life. Sometimes it seems like I'm barely keeping my head above water. Maybe, to some degree, it was always this way, and I just clung to the illusion that I ever had a plan.
I like to think that I did. I prefer the version of my story that meant that once upon a time, I had a clear vision of how things would be, and that through this series of unfortunate events, things changed forever.
I know that to some degree, I'm just kidding myself about it. I was naive and foolish to ever think that things could be so simple. That life wouldn't come along and pull the rug out from under me, tell me that I had some recalculating to do.
I've had quite a few life-changing events, far more than I feel like I should have had by this point in my life. I thought I had more time, that things would be more spread out, that it wouldn't start happening so soon, some that I had no idea would ever happen at all.
I certainly never envisioned being 35 and without him.
I know that I don't feel old enough to feel this way.
I know that I should not be envious of those who are celebrating with their fathers today, but I can't help it.
I know that I should not be even more envious of those who are lucky enough to still be celebrating with their grandfathers today, but I am. I haven't had a grandparent in over a decade, haven't had a grandfather in well over two decades.
I'm feeling a bit sad today.
I'm floating around in this world, knowing that there is nowhere firm left for me to anchor myself if this port I'm in now is washed out. If another storm comes and thrashes my boat up against the rocks, there's no safe harbor for me to seek.
It's me and the ocean. I have to roll with the tides. I have to adjust my sails. I have to keep floating, no matter what.
I have to be strong. I have to be sturdy. I have to be the one that saves myself.
There's no one else to do it for me anymore.
I know that I can.
My father taught me to.
Happy father's day, wherever you are, Daddy. I miss you.
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