Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Deep Breath

Sometimes when you're in a place like the one I've been stuck in, you find that you need to occasionally remind yourself to breathe.

I'm not overstating this.  Honestly.

There are times that I get so caught up in my thoughts or in rehearsed arguments or get so engrossed in playing out potential scenarios in my head that I forget that I need oxygen.

I have been reminded three specific times in the last few days of the support I have, of those who have some concept of where I've been. Where I am. Where I can be again someday.  These are all women from different pieces of my past, far removed from what is going on, yet they all share something in common.

They know just when I need something.  When I need someone.  When I need them.

One from where I used to live.  She's someone who is about to start walking a path I've been down and my heart hurts for her.  She's someone who knows who I was before all this came into my life, who those around me used to be.  She shares my anger, frustration and disappointment, yet is one of my biggest cheerleaders.  I try not to burden others with my issues as much as I can, knowing that it's not fair to them.  She got it out of me though, all of it, ugly truths and everything.   And she believes in me.  I need that right now.
And she has a kick ass cassette tape collection.
Another from that place where I used to live too.  Someone I met what seems like forever ago when the biggest thing I had to worry about was getting two kids out of the house at the same time.  Someone who shared that sense of being overwhelmed with me, not knowing what we'd be dealt in the future.  Someone who's been, in part, where I am now, and offers unyielding support.  Someone who knows all the sordid details of my life and still admits she knows me publicly.   Someone that I have more disgusting inside jokes with than anyone else in the world.  And she believes in me.  I need that right now.
Can I get that in a t-shirt?
One far, far away.  She's a whole world away these days.  Who has been in this place that I am, in more than one way, and who understands the complexity of the choices I have to make.  Who knows how much I struggle just to be normal and functional at times.  Who has worn the mask I put on every day.  Who pushes me to remember who I was, to imagine who I still want to be.  She is amazing, and seems to have a sense about exactly when I need to hear from her.  And she believes in me.  I need that right now.
There's good people here, really.
I am lucky.  I am blessed.  And I have had the good fortune to surround myself with amazing women.

Sometimes I just need to take a breath and remember that.

I love you guys.

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