Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Hope

I'm in a bad mood today.

Consider yourselves warned.

I'm tired of putting on this show.  I'm tired of it all, actually.

It's hard to take a step back and be grateful for what I have right now, because I live in a world where everything serves as a reminder of how much has been taken from me.

I'm left picking up broken pieces, trying to fit them back into the puzzle, knowing that some of them are crushed too badly to ever make the picture whole again.

It sounds silly, but I'd like the life I thought I had back.  It was far from perfect, further than I had any idea, but it was better than this.   I'd like to trade this one in.   I'd like a refund.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of just how little say I ever had in any of it.

I'm tired of fooling myself into believing that I just need waterproof eyeliner, and no one will know what I've been doing all day.  No one will see the brokenness inside me.  No one will know.

They know, you all know.

I can't hide it.

But I have to.  I have to do the best I can.  I have to wake up and dust myself off and put the mask back on and pretend.

I have to act for another day.

I have to hope the day will come when I won't just be acting anymore.

Hope.

There's not much else left.

2 comments:

  1. Wow. So raw and full of emotion. I'm so sorry you are feeling so much helplessness. I completely get the act, the mask to hide what you are feeling, to put on a show for the kids at least. I can relate to that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yeah! This day can bite me! ;) (thought you might like to know you don't have to do it alone)

    Tomorrow will be different. May you have the strength to kick its ass.

    ReplyDelete

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