Monday, April 30, 2012

After I get through this

I feel like so many things in my life have been put on hold lately.  I keep telling myself that I'll deal with this when I get through that.

And, in all fairness, I almost have to.

One can only slay so many dragons at a time, right?

Maybe someday I'll tell you all about the things that have really been going on in my world, the things that are huge and significant and far more important than whatever it is that I write about here now.  For now, though, you're just going to have to believe me.

I sure spend a lot of time protecting other people anymore.

Sometimes I'm not quite sure why I do, to be honest.

Here I am, erecting walls and telling half truths, holding back again. In part for them, yes, but also for me.  I can't say that I'd be this stable if more people knew what was going on and marveled at my strength.  I know I'm already close to the edge.  So I keep it inside.

Today is going to be hard for me.  I know that going in.  It's already hard for an entirely different set of reasons, but I can't worry about all that now.  Like I find myself always saying, I'll deal with that after I get through this.  I have to put aside that grief and trade it for another variety.  I have to dig deep and find my voice again.  I have to be the advocate that I know I am, even as my heart breaks all over again.

I know something is wrong.  Something is very wrong.  That something can be many things, but I have to know.  I have to push to find out what it is.

I have to do what little I can for her.

Everything else can wait.

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