Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Have a happy period, and other lies they tell us

That's what the commercials say.

Enjoy being a girl.
Live life.  Stay free.
Have a happy period.

What the hell?!?!

What woman in the history of recorded time has ever had a happy period?!?!  What woman felt the familiar cramping that signaled the beginning and rejoiced?  Yes!  I get to bleed for 4-6 days!  Woohoo!!!

(Okay, so there are probably a few times we were all relieved our periods showed up, but that's another subject entirely.)

I get headaches and bloating and mood swings and pimples every.single.month???  For over 30 years????

Fan-freaking-tastic.

I laughed pretty hard when a reader sent me a letter a consumer wrote about Always, the product who decided to tell us all to have a happy period.

Here's that letter.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now.  As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' 

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?  FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'. Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . ... Wendi Aarons Austin , TX
While a bit over the top, and never actually submitted to Proctor & Gamble, this made me laugh.  Mostly because it's exactly the kind of thing I would write.

I think the whole happy period nonsense is just bad marketing.  If they are going to poke fun at women, why not the buyers of other products?

Denture wearers could be wished, "good luck eating today!"

Deodorant purchasers might be told, "hopefully this will mask your terrible body odor!"

Contact lens solution bottles could be emblazoned with, "don't be a four eyes!"

Honestly.

I have no plans to have a happy period, thank you very much.

In fact, I'm fairly sure I'm going to dislike it, no matter what the message on my feminine hygiene box says.

3 comments:

  1. Is this what it feels like? http://i.imgur.com/XGt9F.jpg

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  2. "inbred hillbilly with knife skills". xD

    I needed this today.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What would spanx say? HA HA-another great post! Yes indeedy there is no such thing as a happy period! The only almost happy period I've ever had is the one that came late and assured me that I wasn't pregnant... the almost happiness quickly faded.

    When I first started really getting into the blogging thing, there was this. It would have been after you wrote this, since I didn't start seriously blogging until the latter part of the year. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen. :-D I wish I could find the original blog post I read...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bpy75q2DDow

    ReplyDelete

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