Monday, February 6, 2012

Your halftime show, on Metamucil

Yeah, I said it.

I am a fan of Madonna.  80's Madonna, that is.  Loved most of 90's Madonna and a few of her songs after y2k.  I liked her when she was an edgy rebel with fishnet stockings and fingerless gloves.  When she was a recovering Catholic sexual controversy in heels.  When no one knew what to expect out of her and network censors cringed every time she stepped on a stage.

I liked her then.

Before she picked up her fake British accent and deemed herself musical royalty and started acting like a diva queen.  It is so contrived.

Madge, you're from Michigan.

Which, the last time I checked, was NOT in Europe.

If you live under a rock, you missed her halftime performance at the Superbowl yesterday.

BTW, thanks a lot, JT and Miss Janet.
If your nipple is all dressed up, it's not a malfunction.
Just saying.
You two have ensured that the halftime shows will only be headlined by those over 50 for the rest of forever.  No nip slips in that age group, fo sho.

As I had hoped, she opened with Vogue....which is definitely in the top 5 of her best songs ever.  The show went straight downhill from there.

After she was brought in by men dragging her chariot across the field, she mounted the stage and tried to prove to everyone that she can still dance like she could 20 years ago.  She can't.  And I'd make the argument that no one expects her to be able to.  She looks great for her age, probably due to a combination of her strict diet and exercise regimen and a little help from the needle and scalpel folks, but she is still in her 50's....even if she seems a bit in denial about it.

When she stumbled on the stairs, I gasped audibly.  Honey.  Get down.  The fact that you're trying to dance in heels is admirable, but there is no need to perch yourself in bleachers just to make a point.

I had a feeling she'd sing her new terrible song, and she did.  And she played the role of a cheerleader in it.

Say what????

Madge.  Sit down a sec, okay?  You aren't this girl.  You were never this girl.  Don't try to become this girl at this point in your career.

I was slightly relived to see her joined on stage by some more current singers, Nicki Minaj and MIA, but quickly pointed out that there was no way either one of their microphones were live.  They'd be lip syncing for sure.  There is no way that the NFL peeps would let either of them say anything.

Nicki's got a potty mouth, and MIA is a dirty girl with no shame about it.  (which, incidentally, I love about her).  And....girl rapped on the stage of the 2009 Grammy's 9 months pregnant.
Mad props for the baby mama.
Can't keep a bad girl down though.

MIA flipped the bird and mouthed "I don't give a ****" to the camera.

For the moment, you are supposed to ignore the fact that coaches and players on the field routinely say these words loud enough for the microphones to pick them up.  When the mics don't work, lip reading will do just fine.  But for some reason, that's okay.  Just can't do it on a stage.

And showing women's body parts during the commercials is perfectly acceptable as long as the sponsors pay for the ad time, even if it essentially amounts to porn.  If you want to see more, go online. Yeah...that's the message I want my kids to see.  Oh, and if you buy flowers, you'll have a Happy Valentine's Night.  ;)

That's totally different.  Women can be exploited to sell cars and websites and flowers, but can't say bad words or choose to show their own bodies to make a statement.  Uh, huh.

Guess this means that next year's halftime show will be brought to us by Metamucil, and that no one under the age of 50 will be allowed anywhere near the stage, let alone on it.

I know when I'll take my potty break.

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