Wednesday, February 29, 2012

In Four Years

It's Leap Day, in case you didn't notice.

I'd venture a guess that it's really only a big deal to those few people born on Leap Days.  You know, the people who've had to endure a life-long teasing session about how old they really are.  

Maybe I'm just feeling extra emotional today, or maybe I drank too much coffee this morning, or maybe I didn't get enough sleep last night, but I'm looking backwards and forwards right now.

Reflecting.  And wondering.

Four years ago, my life was very different than it is now.  

Very, very different.

I was a different person in a different place and time, with a different set of worries and concerns.  Mostly though, I was different than I am today.

I was pregnant with AJ, and had just found out that he was a boy.  My father was alive and well, without the slightest hint that anything would go wrong.   So many things were different.  Hadn't happened yet.

In other ways, too, it was a different place and time.  It was the calm before the storm.  The moments that led down a path of destruction started right about then.  Choices were made.  Bad choices.  

Choices that would alter not just the following four years, but probably the rest of them forever more.

I sit here, in 2012, looking back at that time.  I look at the things I would have done differently.  The times I would have pushed more, held back more.  The things I regret and the things I would give anything to live again.  I kick myself for so many things that happened in those four years.  I beat myself up for electing to live in denial about what I knew.  

I want to know why things happened the way that they did.  I want to know what, if anything, I could have done to prevent them.  I want to know if the lessons I've taken from these four years are done.

Then I think about where I might be four years from now and I realize almost instantly that I have no idea.

I used to have a plan for my life.  I used to be so sure.  I used to believe that I'd have a clue about what would happen in the future.  I used to.

I don't anymore.

Things don't go as planned.  Disease comes.  People are flawed.  Life doesn't care what you want.  It's almost as though I've given up trying to make plans at all anymore.

That is a hard thing for me to admit.

Right now, I'm just getting through each day.

Someday, maybe in these next four years, I'll get back to the place where I plan and I hope.  Maybe life will stop getting derailed every few months.  Maybe you'll see a different me four years from now.

Maybe.

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