Monday, October 31, 2011

And gay people can't get married....

72 days ago, Kim Kardashian got married to Kris Humphries in a wedding that was estimated to cost more than $10,000,000.

She filed for divorce today.

First of all, I have to say that, no I don't get all my celebrity news from TMZ.  Though this link is from that website, the story has broken nationwide.

Second, I have to admit to the fact that Keeping Up With the Kardashians has in the past been a guilty pleasure of mine.  Mostly because Khloe is unbelievably hilarious.  That, and they make me feel normal, which is pretty damn hard to do.

Third, I take issue with any family that leeches off the fame of one person, especially one who's really only famous because she was in a home-made porno a while ago.  Yes, their dead father was one of OJ Simpson's defense attorneys, BUT that isn't what made Kim famous.  Trust me on this one.

Fourth, $10 Million dollars?!?!?!  Seriously?  Talk about excessive.  Yeah, the whole shebang was pimped by the E Network for ratings and all, but seriously???  NO one needs three different one of a kind Vera Wang couture gowns.  I don't care who you are.  Kate Middleton only wore two dresses when she married William, and she became an ACTUAL princess that day.
I don't care how expensive your ring is,
it won't keep his pants on.
Fifth, I have a really hard time believing that  Kim was stupid enough to believe that professional athletes are loyal to their wives.  (Okay, maybe a few of them are....but most of them aren't).  She sure dated enough of them before this....she should have known that the odds were stacked against her.

Sixth, 72 days?  I know that in my marriage, 72 days in was very much still in the honeymoon stage.  Hell, we were there for years.  If you are so unhappy that you can't fathom trying to work it out in less than 3 months, maybe you should not have rushed into it in the first place.  Just sayin.

This whole situation is a mockery of marriage, orchestrated for television ratings.  We live in a country that allows this to happen in every state in the union.  Straight people can make horrible choices, get married and get divorced and call it good.  They can rip everything that marriage means to shreds, destroy any sanctity of the bond, make it a sham.  Even sell the rights to a cable TV channel.

But, we tell entire segments of society that they can't commit to life-long partners just because they are the same gender?  Seriously?


There is something really freaking wrong with our country if this is okay.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Karma Police

Sorry I haven't written here today.  Been busy.  Crazy busy.

Halloween, four kid, parade, girl scouts, raging party kind of busy.

Good busy.

Still in a mostly good mood.

And, I've got more reasons than I did a few days ago.


I seriously love karma.

That's all I've got for now....stay tuned for tomorrow.

I've got a new rant I'm working on.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Adventures in Wonderland

We started planning this year's costumes before last Halloween had even ended.  We really are those people.

I keep waiting for the year when Aidan won't want to play along, when it won't be fun anymore to dress up like the rest of the family, when he'll want to be a gory zombie like most of the kids his age seem to want.  Of course, I think that every year, and every year we end up with a full blown Halloween ensemble.

My husband is really hoping we let him pick the theme next year.  After being a Flying Monkey, Woody and Tweedle Dum, maybe I should let him.  What do you think?

This year, we went with Alice in Wonderland.  You'd think we might start running out of ideas for six themed costumes, but no.  We've already got a working list for next time.

We're about to head out the the city's Halloween parade, so this has to be short.  Here are the costumes, hope you enjoy laughing at us!  We had a great time creating them this year.

I do have to give a huge shout out to my mother in law for making the girls dresses and AJ's thinks I've brainwashed her a little about all this Halloween nonsense.
The White Rabbit, Alice, The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee

The Mad Hatter

The White Rabbit

The Queen of Hearts


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Front or Back?

Honestly, get your minds out of the gutter!

It's just a title, and it could refer to a million different things....but I know where my readers are going with it.

There's a reason I like you people.

What this post is actually about, though, is something else entirely.

We had to go to school last night.  The older two kids are in the school's choir, and they were scheduled to sing...which is basically a way of putting butts in the seats to listen to whatever the principal wants to say.  Which incidentally, wasn't much.

Meetings like that entertain me a little.  Basically it's just a way for the principal to pat herself on the back and pretend to stay in touch with the parents. Tell all the parents that every stride they made in reading last year came at the expense of the math test scores, which is something that most of us already knew.

I've seen the scores, I knew there was not going to be anything of earth shattering importance shared last night.  It was fluff.  Fluff we had to go watch because the kids were singing.   And dinner was free, so that helps.  Especially when you have a herd of small people to feed.

You want to wow me with a speech?  Tell me how you can teach a school full of kids to read without sacrificing math and every other subject.  I might be interested then.  I might even sit somewhere other than the back row.

That's the back I was talking about in the title.  I'm a back row kind of girl.  Always have been.  Don't get me wrong, I always did well in school....I was just always the obnoxious girl in the back too.

I got kicked out of Catholic school for taunting the nun who was my teacher in fourth grade.  For reals.  Just because you are wearing that outfit doesn't mean you can teach math.  She was wrong, I simply pointed it out.  I provided an educational service to my classmates, and got shown the door.  Yep, even at nine I was snarky.

I actually just wished a law school classmate happy birthday today, then reminded him to count the "ums" in every possible setting in life.  We kept a running tally in one class, that teacher had no idea how much we laughed back there.  I think we stopped counting after she hit a hundred times in less than an hour.

Which are you?  The dutiful, attentive person sitting in the front row, making it look good but bored to tears?  Or are you the one hanging out in the back row, stifling your giggles and counting the minutes until the free food shows up?  

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The List

Everyone needs friends, this is true.

Everyone needs people they can talk to, people who have shared situations and can relate.  People who have children the same age and understand the realities.  People in the same careers or who have the same interests.

No man is an island, or something like that.

What I'd like to encourage for you here today is to have at least one in case of emergency friend.

And no, I'm not referring to the friend who can pick up your kids if you get stuck waiting for the train (you local people will totally get why this is legitimate LOL).

I'm talking about a friend who can take care of the list.

What list, you may ask?

The list of things that you wouldn't want anyone to know about if something happened.  The list of things that need to disappear in case you end up in a coma or paralyzed or dead.   The what if we are both in an accident or a plane crash or whatever and someone has to sift through our dresser kind of list.

You know....

that list.

Now, I'm not going to pretend for even one second that I have nothing to hide in my house. I do.  Shhh.

We all probably have something that we wouldn't necessarily want our kids to find or have the well-meaning family member come across when they are cleaning out the closet.

Maybe you have a secret shrine to Milli Vanilli.  Maybe you still play with action figures.  Maybe you have an S&M room in your basement.

I'm not judging.

I don't know how y'all get your freak on....but I'm sure that we've all got at least one thing that should be discreetly removed from the house before it gets "found".

And for that, you need a friend who will solemnly swear to take care of the list.

If you don't have one, get one.  For reals.

I may not be able to save your ass from impending doom, but I'm here to help keep your reputation intact. You are welcome.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Oh crap, I'm not packed yet.

I love religious zealots.

Really, I do.

They are a constant source of entertainment in my life.

Maybe I'm just super jealous because I don't have a direct line to the big guy upstairs and am obviously not privy to all these dates of supreme importance.

In case you didn't know, the world is ending today.


Like it did in May.

Or not.

Yep, same dude.

I'm sure that people who actually believe him will insist that I'm going to burn in hell, be subjected to eternal damnation and all that.  The end of days is here, and only the true believers will ascend.  All that.  Whatever.

I hear they have lovely hand baskets where I am going.  Which is good.  I like purses.

How Harold Camping even has followers at this point is mind boggling to be honest.  He's like the religious equivalent of the really hot weather girls on the TV stations in Southern California.   (Seriously, I'm not kidding....those of you who've lived in So Cal and other parts of the country can vouch for the HUGE difference.)  Enough people are just going to keep watching to see what he does, regardless of whether he's ever right or not.

If the crazy old man wants me to rally behind his beliefs, he's going to have to switch it up a bit.  Stop focusing so much on the end of the world.  Aim lower.  How about just deciding that 2011 is over?  That idea is one that I could get behind.  I might even make obnoxious signs and recruit people.

Hell, I'd paint it on the side of my car if would make it true, drive around all crazy like having people point and stare at the freak with the tricked out minivan.

I'm over this year.  It has sucked from the very first day (even the very first second) all the way clear through to now.  It could end today and I would really be okay with that.

Guess I should start making my signs proclaiming the end of 2011.

On second thought, I'll wait until tomorrow.   No point making signs for my cause just yet.  Harold Camping could be right this time.  Anything is possible, right?  The world is supposed to end today.

And I'm not even packed yet.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Catchy, but offensive as hell...

Welcome to rant week.

Apparently, I am all kinds of pissed off these days.  I've got reasons, and lots of them.  Real ones, even.

Of course, knowing me, I am not actually writing about the things that have my panties in a wad the most, so I'm singling out the other things that chap my ass one at a time.  Up today, music.

I've written about a few songs in the past that irritate the hell out of me, this is true.  It's not my first trip to this rodeo.

Lately though, I have noticed a really disturbing trend in music.  I don't know if anyone else has, or if it is just me and my short fuse getting all lit up about it.  Either is equally plausible.

I've been in a really bad mood lately.

I know that I haven't quite boarded the crazy train yet because I've talked about both of these songs with my husband.  He knows how much they irritate me.  He knows that when they come on the radio, it's just better if he changes it quickly before the smoke starts coming out of my ears.

There are always a few songs on the radio that manage to mislead people about what they are really about.  The one that comes to mind right now is Foster the People's Pumped Up Kicks
This one tricked even my husband, but he is notorious for falling for a catchy beat.  He thinks all songs that sound happy must be so, especially if one of the choruses is whistled!  No, not so much.  This song isn't a happy one at all, it's about the gun toting revenge of a kid who's been bullied.  Me?  I love this song.

Songs aren't always what they seem.

The two that are currently pissing me off are both in heavy rotation on the pop stations.  They have nothing to do with schoolyard anger, and they aren't hard to interpret at all.

A decent amount of music has, for decades at least, been in large part about the sexual attraction between people.  This isn't news.  What I'm noticing though, is the blatant offensiveness of the lyrics, getting worse and worse and worse.  Misogyny is okay as long as it's got a catchy beat, right?  Or maybe it's not misogyny if it's intended to be a compliment, even if it's the most ass backwards compliment in the history of time.

The first one is Jason Derulo's It Girl.  This song seems to be a flattering one, sung about the girl he wants to be with forever and all that.  I just struggle with this part (which is sung repeatedly throughout the song):

You could be my it girl, 
baby you're the shit girl, 
loving you could be a crime, 
crazy how we fit girl, 
this is it girl, 
give me 25 to life.

Wow.  If I was the girl he was after, I'd be so flattered.  I mean, what is more romantic than being compared to feces?  And who doesn't want their future relationship held up to the mirror of a prison term?  Crazy thing is that I'm sure this guy has women throwing themselves at him daily.  Barf.

Higher standards, ladies, for the love of God.

The other song, the one that grates on my nerves even more is Better with the Lights Off by New Boyz, featuring America's favorite girlfriend beater, Chris Brown.  Apparently, if you can entertain the masses, domestic violence can get wiped off your reputation almost immediately.  Amazing how that works.

This song is another backhanded compliment, so I guess it's only appropriate for it to be sung by a guy who has this pesky habit of hitting his girlfriends.

The line that makes me want to kick my radio?

Hey, shorty, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
But you look better with the lights off.

Seriously?????  WTF is wrong with people?  I've never met a woman who would take that anything BUT the wrong way.

Maybe if more of us start changing the station when these horribly offensive songs come on, they will stop playing them.  Maybe if we demand better things for our daughters to listen to, they won't make the mistake that all the women throwing themselves at these performers are doing.  Maybe our society shouldn't be so quick to forgive acts of violence against women just because the offender can sing.

I didn't include links to these songs intentionally.  They don't deserve anymore views on YouTube because of what I've written here today.  


Just because it's catchy doesn't make it okay.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Mortal Combat

I'm sure there are many of you out there who don't watch Big Bang Theory.  I have to ask you why.

First of all, it's freaking hilarious.  The writers for that show are easily some of the most talented in the business.  It's one of those shows that you literally cannot leave the room or get distracted, because you will miss some joke with a two minute build up.  The actors on the show have great chemistry and fantastic comedic timing.

Plus, it's a dorky show about a bunch of dorks, and in my world, that makes it awesome.

In a recent episode, Sheldon was confronted yet again by his nemesis.

You have to watch the show to get why this is funny....but trust me, it is.

The fact that Sheldon has a nemesis is funny all in and of itself, but even funnier is his description of his list of mortal enemies.  The one he started compiling when he was 9 years old.  His list has a decent amount of flexibility in it, meaning that just because someone becomes a mortal enemy does not mean they are destined to remain on his list forever.  Some people get on the list for silly reasons, some for legitimate ones.

Made me think.

I've got a list.  We all do.

I know that hating someone isn't a terribly productive emotion, but in my life right now it's serving a really useful purpose.  The simple truth is that there are people in this world who fall more into the category of villain than others.  Not everyone is nice or honest or truthful.  Friends turn on each other and do unimaginable damage in the process.  Sometimes people change sides and become mortal enemies, even if they once were best friends.

I've added some people to my list lately.  One of which used to be a very good friend of mine.  Someone that a handful of you reading this know in real life.  Someone that I really should in good conscience warn some of you about because of what she has done.  This someone has no hope of redemption.  She's never getting off that list, of that I am certain.

I actually tried to remove her from the list through a good faith showing on my part.  Turns out, she was lying and hiding and deceiving behind my back even while pretending to be grateful for my forgiveness and friendship again.

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice....well, that just isn't happening.  Ever.

Over the years, I've removed a lot of people from my list.  These new additions aren't ever getting scratched off though.  If they are smart, they will never attempt to have anything to do with my life ever again.

In the words of my college roommate and one of my favorite people in the world,

They pissed off the wrong bitch.

Trust me when I say that you don't want to piss me off.

What about all you out there?  Will you admit to having a list?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A Snarky Prayer Request

Now, before y'all get thinking that I'm actually asking for a legitimate prayer request, stop.  :)

I'm so not that person.  I might ask for good thoughts or good vibes or good juju or whatever, but I rarely ask for prayers.  I'm just not that person.  Don't anticipate ever being.

But I do need all of you to send me whatever you've got for tonight. Seriously.

The girls entered the school's talent show.

I'm thinking the term "talent" is used a little too loosely.

The rehearsal was yesterday, and just because of the way the day went, I ended up sitting through the whole thing.  Because who doesn't want to be subjected to that kind of torture two days in a row?


I have to wonder if our society's everyone is a winner mentality has just gone too far.   Not everyone has a talent, and really....that is okay.  I can juggle, which is something most people can't do I suppose, but I've never felt compelled to show it off to a reluctant crowd before.

Sure, there are handful of acts entered in the show that demonstrate actual abilities and dare I say, talent.  Some that are adorable and make you appreciate the amount of effort they've put into practicing.  Some kids that you know are taking a huge risk by putting it out there.  Then there are the teachers that enter, and for them, a standing round of applause.

I know my ass ain't ever getting up on a stage unless it's a dimly lit karaoke bar, and I've been drinking.  A lot.

I guess my point is that just because you can sing about half the words to some popular radio song (which may or may not be appropriate for little kids to be singing in the first place), doesn't mean you have an actual talent worth showcasing.

And I'm not sure a Ke$ha song warrants interpretive dance.

Wish me's going to be a long night.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Don't you hate it when...

You realize that you are in the room all alone and you are still watching The Power Rangers?

You unintentionally sing along to Justin Bieber songs?

You eyeball the M&M's wedged into your preschooler's car seat and momentarily entertain the thought?

You find a new place that your three year old colored on the wall?

You have to ask how long that apple core was under the couch?

You find a clogged toilet that no one told you about?

You have seen every episode of iCarly and can identify new ones immediately?

You put the last load of laundry in the washer and someone spills something literally within seconds?

You finally get around to mopping the floor, only to find little footprints on it when it's dry?

You hide the good Halloween candy and someone else finds your stash?

You stock up the pantry at Costco and all the good snacks are gone in less than 2 days?

You volunteer to do something else that you know you don't have time for?

You realize it's 4pm and you haven't eaten anything or gone to the bathroom all day, even if you've prepared meals and wiped other people's butts?

You finally take a shower only to get out and realize someone dumped a bottle of shampoo on the carpet?

I could go on for pages....we all could.  Ahh, motherhood.  Ain't it grand?

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Panic at the Fall Festival

I had to seriously laugh out loud when I was watching the news last night.

Apparently, some family decided to head out to their local farm for the fall festival.  Fun, hay bales, dirt and getting charged for everything including the corn the farm already feeds to it's own animals.

I swear we can't go to one of those things without dropping close to $100.  The worst part of that is that we are cheap, and it seems like we are constantly telling the kids that they can't buy this or have money for that or feed this animal.  At the most we end up walking away with one tiny pumpkin to show for it.

One thing that we do every year, which provides hours of entertainment, is wander around the corn maze.  Every year, we enter the maze with good intentions.  We will find the strategically placed stamps and navigate the entire path correctly.  We will find our way out of the maze without incident before dark.  We will have fun and not freak out.

Then, every year, we get lost.

Really lost.

I have a ridiculously good sense of direction, and Tom has hiked 50 miles at a time through the wilderness without getting lost.  We should be able to get out of a damn corn maze.  But no.

It's so bad that last year we vowed to stay in the first row, fool the kids into thinking we'd walked further.  We planned to just walk back and forth in the same row for a while so it seemed legitimate, and the kids weren't disappointed in their corn maze incompetent parents.

I think we were stuck in there one year for over two hours.  I wish I was kidding.  We have to make sure we go early enough in the day that we've got hours of daylight to work with, just in case we get lost again. And bring lots of water.

We figured out a long time ago that when the panic starts to set in, just head west.  Corn rows be damned, we will go through them if we the kids start freaking out.  Oh yeah, we are those people.  The ones that emerge from the corn maze exhausted and grateful to be out, practically kissing the ground when we make it to the exit.  Except it's farm ground and you can't kiss that shit, literally.  It's nasty.

It's almost comical now.

Which is why the story on the news last night was so damn funny.  This family got stuck in a corn maze.

And they called 911.  Because they feared for the safety of their children.  It was getting dark, and everyone knows that corn mazes are haunted in October, right???  Soon the grim reaper would be patrolling the rows, looking for tiny people to torment.

Turns out they were only about 25 feet from the exit when they were found.

I know, right?!?!?!?!

At least their kids are young enough to be mostly unaware of the fact that everyone in the country is laughing at their parents right now.

We've been lost, stuck in those crazy mazes for hours, but we've never been desperate enough to alert the authorities.  Whew.

At least we aren't that bad.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

It's a bitch getting old

By now you all know that my husband broke his arm about a week and a half ago riding (okay, really after falling off of) a Ripstik.

Oh, the jokes people have told at his expense.  And the funny questions he has been asked....

Were you over the weight limit?
Did you know how to ride it?
What were you thinking?
Just couldn't be taunted by a child, huh?
Gonna do it again?

He went back to the orthopedist for the second time Friday.  They retook the xrays, took the splint off, and in came the doctor.  He poked and prodded and bent and straightened and turned and twisted.  I could tell the waves of pain induced nausea were hitting Tom all over again.

The good news, he said, is that the bone was in the right place, it appeared to be healing so far just fine.  The bad news....Tom is old now.  Getting old comes with crappy side effects.  In this case, to leave his arm in the splint or cast would allow the bone adequate time to heal properly, but would irreversibly affect his range of motion.

Kids can recover that kind of stuff just fine....but the older you get, the harder it is.  It's a trade off between letting the bone heal and retaining the use of the arm.  Sweet.

Tom walked out of the office in disbelief.  No splint anymore, no protection for the still very broken bone.  And, he has to start using the still very broken arm now.  In the doctor's words, we can give you pain medication, but we can't make your arm work right again once the range of motion is gone.  Welcome to old age.

He's been walking around a little paranoid about the kids running into it now that there is no protection around  it.  Sleeping is complicated again.  And he can already see what the doctor meant.  He's been using the arm again, working on simple things like making fists, bending and straightening his elbow.  It's tight and sore and just doesn't want to do what he tells it to.

He moves a bit like a slow motion robot.

The funniest and weirdest thing is that his hand seems a little bit detached from the rest of his body.  He doesn't have immediate control over it, every move is deliberate and guarded.  The first few days, it was like he was waving around a fake hand on a stick, touching people with a prosthesis instead of an actual hand.  It's a bit creepy, truth be told.
His hand isn't a whole lot different than this one at the moment.

At least it's October, a good month to be carrying around what acts like a fake appendage.

He'll get the full use of his arm back eventually, but it's going to be a while.  The bone won't be healed for another month or so at least.  And it's going to hurt like hell until then.

It's a bitch getting old.

You'd think he learned his lesson, but no.  He can't wait to get back on the board.  Sigh.

Thursday, October 6, 2011


Outside right now, the winds are blowing.

The air has that distinct fall smell to it, the colors are bold and bright everywhere.  The streets filled with swirling leaves.

The first winter storm watch of the season posted for the mountains already.

The crock pot is out and has assumed it's position on the counter, ready to be put to work a few times a week.  The kids actually requested soup a few days back.

The pile of costume accessories has grown and grown and grown, now taking over the entire formal dining room table.  The kids are on my case daily, begging me to put up the Halloween decorations.

I made two loaves of banana bread, knowing they'd be gone in less than 24 hours.   I'm craving something pumpkin flavored.

Summer has left the building.

Fall has arrived.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


I've been meaning to write some thank you notes for a while now.  A long while.

I'm usually good about these things, but lately I've been more than a little bit scatterbrained.  It's not an excuse, just an explanation.

Through the course of events in the last few days, I've had to make a lot of choices in a hurry.  I've had to do things I never thought I would.  And I have had to bring someone home.  My father's ashes are here now.  Not forever, and maybe not for long, but for now.

I know that it sounds strange, but just having him here has been calming.  I slept soundly last night for the first time in what seems like forever.  He's still doing his best to tell me that everything is going to be okay.  And he's reminding me to take care of the things I've been putting off.  The things that he would want me to get done.

The thank you notes that are now almost eight months overdue.  The ones that I dreaded writing, but knew I had to.  Yesterday, the pen seemed to find it's way through the words without my help at all.

There are a handful of people who helped my father in ways that they need to know.  That I'm afraid they may not understand without me thanking them properly.  I hope that my words communicate that to them all.

Though there are many things this morning uncertain and unknown, I have been blessed.  My father was blessed.  And I am grateful.

Saturday, October 1, 2011


In our darkest times, we all need hope.

Today, it's found.

This morning, I send my love to all those who hurt and mourn and cry.  The life of a magnificent woman will be celebrated here shortly.

This morning, I send my love to my mom and my uncle.  Though I don't know what the future holds, I wish us all the peace and strength we will need.

This morning, I send my love to my brother and sister in law.  I love you both.

That is where hope resides.


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