Friday, December 9, 2011

The List, 2011 Style

In my ridiculousness, I write a Christmas list every year.  I've shared them here before, if you're curious.  Because I know you all care.

I write these lists every year to amuse people.  And also, you know, because I'm five.

When I was two, I asked Santa Claus for diamonds for my ears.  No, I'm not kidding.  This girl has always had expensive taste.  Not to mention the fact that I've spent a good chunk of my life with a princess complex.

Of course, as I've gotten older, the list has become exceedingly boring and practical.

Gone are the days where I'd ask for fully irrational things like a pony.

Now, I want a bigger kitchen table.  Strike that.  I need a bigger kitchen table.  We're past the point of wanting it anymore.

We got this one when we had a one year old boy and I was pregnant with number 2.  Since then we've added a couple more kids.  The table is full on an ordinary day, with no room to spread out.  Elbows collide.  The kids always have to sit close enough to each other that the impulse to bug the ever-loving shit out of one another is just too irresistible.

Now, Mom is here too, and this table most certainly does not seat 7.

Maybe Santa can hook me up.

Here's the rest of the stuff I want:

- A day off.  Like completely.  Off.  I don't want to worry about another human on the face of this Earth for 24 hours.  If there was a body of water, a lounge chair and a drink, it just might be heaven...and I might never come back.

- I want my car detailed.  It looks like the car of a woman with 4 kids.  Goldfish crumbs, straw wrappers, juice boxes, random splatters of unknown origin.  Stuff ground into the carpet.  Windows that are smeared with fingerprints within seconds of being cleaned.  Of course, detailing it would be an exercise in futility.  It wouldn't stay clean for more than 2 hours.

- I want a sock fairy.  I don't wear them.  I don't fold them.  Trouble is that no one else does either, then eventually someone proclaims a sock emergency three seconds before we need to leave for school.

- I want a new pair of boots.  Black leather, mid range heel, hot but not hooker sexy.

- I want a mind eraser.  You know, like the ones in Men in Black.  Where you just push a button and things go poof.  It would be handy.

- I want to get through Christmas without the kids pointing out the things they didn't get.  I want to get through Christmas without any huge meltdowns.  I want to get through Christmas without additional drama beyond all the stuff there already is.  Mostly though, I just want to get through Christmas.


  1. Thank you, Kelly. I might actually make a list, knowing so much of what I want/need will not be given. I guess that's okay. It's good to go without, sometimes. My #1 is for Ernest to get a job, so we can get our own apartment, get off Food Stamps, etc. It would be nice. After over seventeen thousand applications, one would think he would have a job...He's not an idiot. He knows what he's doing. Unfortunately, there are human resource personnel who are idiots and don't have a clue what they are doing. I would think I received a miracle if we could get through one Christmas without drama. My family........... Know, I am keeping you in my heart, especially on the tenth of each month. I wish I could exact a miracle or two (or five :-) for you.

  2. Thinking of you! A day off sounds nice. And the sock fairy would be immensely helpful.


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