Saturday, December 31, 2011


I've been looking forward to today for almost the entire year.

365 days ago, I was at my parent's house.  I was stuck there, waiting for my van to be repaired, but grateful for the time with my father.

If I'd known what the next year would bring, or what was happening that very day back home, I can't say what I would have done.

It's a good thing I didn't know what would happen, what was happening, then.  It's better that way.

I just wish I could forget it all now.

This entire year has been horrible from beginning to end.  I've lost, I've questioned, I've barely held on.  It's a good thing there are only a few hours left.

I don't think I could take any more from 2011.

There's not much fight left in me.

There are a few of you who have a fuller picture of what I've been through, but most of you know only what I have shared here publicly.  There's more.  A lot more.

Suffice to say that I'm glad it's about done.

I'm hopeful for the new year.  Not that I believe for one second that things will magically get better when the clock strikes midnight, because I know better than that.

What I do believe in, though, is second chances.

Part of me knows that I shouldn't.  That the part of my soul that dictates self preservation should take over and start running the show.  In some ways it has, I suppose already.

I learned to say no this year.  But only to some people.  Not to everyone.  Some people can change, some people can't.  Second chances are okay, but there shouldn't be fifth or tenth chances.  Not anymore.  I've been burned too many times in the past to let it happen again.

That other part of me, the hopeful part, that's the piece that is looking forward.  The piece that still holds optimism, even looking through the rose colored glasses I now wear.  I want to believe that things can be better.

I want to believe that at some point, things have to improve.

I want to believe that I've been through enough.

I want to believe that I've passed this test.

I want to believe that 2012 will be better.

And, mostly, I just want this year to be over.

1 comment:

  1. Proud of you for hanging in there! You've been through a lot of shit this year, and I hope 2012 is a lot better!


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