Saturday, September 17, 2011

Surviving

Over the years, I've built up a following.  People who read what I write.

The people who hold me accountable to the promises I make myself about writing every day, completing challenges, being real.

I love you all.

But I haven't been real honest about much here as of late.  I can't.

Okay, so that isn't even true.  I could, sure.  I just choose not to.  For reasons that are valid, I promise.

Instead, I talk about things that are really small and inconsequential in life as though they are the things keeping me awake at night, troubling my soul, making me question who I am.

There are those of you who know that it's all for show.  Who know that what lies beneath my writing is far more life altering and scary and painful.

Half the time I sit here and stare at blank pages, unable to distract my mind from what occupies it long enough to write about something, anything else.  Some days I can squeeze out pages of fictions, wax poetic about the daily adventures of my children, share stories that have nothing to do with whatever else is going on.

And the other times, my fingers are frozen, paralyzed here.  The only thing on my mind half the time is the one that I will never ever write about.  At least not here.  At least not now.

Maybe someday when my world is less shattered and I've picked up the pieces and reassembled them into the life I construct, I will.

But not now.

I apologize for the unexciting writing lately.  I truly am doing the best that I can right now, and I know that it's not good enough to hold your interest.  It's not enough to hold mine most of the time.  I have tried to take a step back a few times, and I know that I should.  I'd miss it too much though.

I guess the point of this today is that I am asking you all to bear with me.  To weather this terrible storm with me, even though I've given you no choice but to be oblivious regarding what it really is about.  To trust that someday I'll be honest and real again.  To believe that a darkly sarcastic sense of humor still resides in me somewhere, and that one day I will find it again.

Today, I am just surviving.

For now, that has to be good enough.

xoxo

1 comment:

  1. Hugs. Hang in there. You're in my thoughts, and I hope things become better for you soon.

    ReplyDelete

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